No stranger to the thrills and chills of online dating, this story forwarded to me yesterday has to be one of the best I've ever read. Married people? You're really missing out on the fun here. Please enjoy, IvyLeaguer123*.
*not his real screen name (it's worse)
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From: XXXX
Sent: Thursday, October 04, 2007 11:01 AM
To: XXXX
Subject: Match Nightmare
So I winked at this guy on match. Should have known better considering his screen name was "IvyLeaguer123" He responds with the following email:
I live in a 31 story high rise condominium, right in the middle of the Buckhead nightlife district. Do you ever come to this area of town to shop/go out/visit/explore?
I went to an Ivy League school - the University of Pennsylvania - for my undergraduate degree in economics and my graduate degree in management (Wharton School of Business). Where did you go to school?
What activities do you currently participate in to stay in shape? I work out 4 times a week at LA Fitness. Do you exercise regularly? I am 6 feet tall, 185 pounds - what about yourself? I am truly sorry if that sounds rude, impolite or even downright crass, but I have been deceived before by inaccurate representations so I prefer someone be upfront and honest on initial contact...
I do mergers & acquisitions (corporate finance) for xxxxxx(xxxxx, xxxxx, etc). Enjoy any of our stores/divisions?
Do you have any other recent pictures you care to share? I have many others if you care to see them.
Regards,
John
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So, I in turn send him a polite "No Thanks" thru the match system which send him the following email:
Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we're just not a good match. Good luck in your search!
Our Portraits didn't match on:
Â. Personality
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To which he replies the following:
I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards - not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!
So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!
Regards,
John
http://www.johnfitzgeraldpage.com
15 comments:
oh....my..........god.........
i have been on this losers website for a good 30 minutes and am just...repelled. and fascinated by the pure unadulterated repulsion i feel!
all of which is better then doing any work at my own fancy corporate job.
but this guy, he's way beyond anything you or i could ever experience.
i mean, he's played a "waterpark frolicker", a "slick italian spy" and a "love struck doofus"!
he even has some mascot experience!!!
and looking at his photos, i'd say he graduated from the barbizon school of modeling. not sure if everyone knows about that place, but back in the old days, any hideous freak could attend their "modeling school", and as long as they paid the hundreds of dollars in fees, could "graduate".
this guy is "well connected" and in the "fame game", but i wonder if judy blume ever complimented him on his work.
I THINK NOT!!!!!!!
You only meet weirdos online. I'll explain how you can avoid that nonsense but I don't have time right now - I have to be somewhere in 26 minutes.
Damn those alpha-males with their beemers, square chins and large pectorals.
I, however, had lunch with the Assistant Manager at Burger King the other day, and I did play a baby spider in my grade school production of "Charlotte's Web".
By the way, probably half the people on match.com are married, so we ain't missing much.
Another glowing endorsement of celibacy!
He forgot to say, "proud consumer of Pat Robertson's magic milkshakes," because otherwise how could he leg press so much weight?
DES
PER
ATE
I'm glad there's nobody else like him.
Sincerely,
the ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE.
WOW! I think I am in love....
If that's real, he belongs in Gawker's Douchebag of the year contest.
please oh please
give john a message...
"go fuck yourself!
thanks!"
- Jen
Casual Slack
Mr. psycho is apparently feeling the heat from the blogosphere, and has replaced his website with a long unreadable essay about what an innocent victim he is.
well, at least i gave him an alias match handle and didn't publish his job crap. now i can go to heaven, right?
This douche was in the NY Daily News this past weekend crying about how his life was ruined.
Is there anything better than seeing an ASS get knocked down a few pegs on their ego ladder?!
I submit not. It's wonderful.
http://gawker.com/news/douchebags/if-youre-not-paying-worlds-worst-person-john-fitzgerald-page-isnt-talking-310987.php
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2007/10/14/2007-10-14_gawker_vilifies_atlanta_man_for_sleazy_e.html
Oh Johnny, Johnny, Johnny....
Come to Mommy and suckle my sagging breast. I think i might have weaned you too early.
It'll be all right, Johnny Poo. Mommy is here. Those big bad bloggers can cast stones, but they won't hurt your hard muscular body. They obviously just can't see how genius you really are! Do you remeber the game we used to play where I would play Golda Meir and you would pretend to be Idi Amin? Oh those were the good ole times.
Anyway, be strong Johnny. Mommy is rooting for you. Tell me when you're next movie. I loved your work in that movie about the hat. Although, it was a little hard to see you.
Love,
Mommy dearest.
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