Justine Lai: Just Painting What Everybody's Thinking

Oh, like you've never thought about it. Look, he may have been a genius but still only a man; saving the Union wasn't Lincoln's only need. 

A Winey Cheesy Gem: Casellula

Our Cheese Flight (from left to right, mild to strong) at Casellula

401 West 52nd Street, NYC

Monday, March 30, 2009 ~ 8 p.m.

The dear, dear friends I was scheduled to see Les Paul with last night (hope you're making a speedy recovery, Les) surprised me with a tremendous belated birthday dinner at the cozy cheese and wine cafe, Casellula. I rarely say good things about anything, and yet here I can't say enough good things about this place--the atmosphere, the service, the food and wine--everything was simply splendid. I'm completely serious! Can you imagine? Me! Saying something like that! 

Of course, it's probably worth mentioning that I had the pleasure of being wined and dined at Casellula by wonderful company I love for a wonderful occasion they love (Me? If you say so!), so I had good vibrations all around.  If you'll be dining with horrible people, like say, your mother-in-law (educated guess?), and no matter what the occasion she always finds the moment to say something to you just so, in that way that annoys you, and it's so obnoxious you swear she must doing it on purpose and actually, she is, well, let's face it, she's probably going to have a some effect on your experience, but the place is still damn good.

For a table, we had the best spot in the joint, tucked in the corner in the front window, not far from the bar. The room was dimly lit which flattered my mug nicely (I look best in the near dark), and there were candles all around--instant romance. For wine, we shared a couple bottles of the D'Alfonso del Sordo "Casteldrione" / Uva de Troia, Montelpulciano, Sangiovese / Italy 2004. I don't know much about it other than that I didn't choose it, and it went incredibly well with all the bits we had to eat. In addition to the cheese (pictured above), here's what I remember we ordered (I did enjoy more than a few glasses of wine, afterall):

Mustard Miso Pickles (amazing! pickled green beans and carrots and onions. fantastic.)
Stuffed Peppadew Peppers / Buffalo Mozzarella / Speck (good, I've had better)
Chistorras in a Blanket / Radish Pico de Gringo (I liked the radish garnish a lot)
Crème Fraiche White Anchovy / Fennel / Pickled Shallots (outstanding, could have had ten)

Pig's Ass Sandwich / Fiscalini Cheddar / Fol Epi / B&B Pickles / Chipotlé Aoli (OUTSTANDING)

Mac and Cheese / Fol Epi / Comté / Chevre / Lardons / Caramelized Onions (rich, delicious)

Chocolate Cake / Meadowbrook Farm Cream (classic, cream was ridiculous)

Special Dessert: Sticky Bun /White frosting/Caramel Sauce/Rum Raisins (shut up!!!!!!!!!!)

So, naturally, I hesistate to share a jewel like Casellula with folks in a forum as public and "popular" as my blog, because I dislike most people, I hate all crowds, and I think crowds of people generally ruin everything for me. However, in the new economy, I'd like to give a restaurant I love a fighting chance of survival, and Casellula has captured my big black heart. Who else would like to take me there? Great! See you soon.

www.casellula.com

See Anne Live at The Back Room This Friday, April 3

Ochi's Lounge is a delightful little space to see live whatevs, and The Back Room--the consistently hilarious comedy show brought to you by Jenny Rubin, Shawn Hollenbach and Paul Case--is at Ochi's again this Friday at 9 pm. Ochi's Lounge is located in the basement of Comix. Near the restrooms. Enticed? Not yet? There's a fancy bathroom attendant in the Men's Room! He is nice! His name is Ochi! They named the lounge after him! Confused? Great!

Here's other crap you need to know about it:

The Back Room at Ochi's Lounge

Featuring hilarity (and in my case, stupidity) from:

Jenny Rubin!
Robert Keller!
Dave Rubin!
Leah Dubie!
Leibya Rogers!
Paul Case!
Shawn Hollenbach!
& yours truly,
Anne Altman!

9 pm!

No cover!

Here are pics from the Back Room from 3/21/09!

Shawn Hollenbach!

Paul Case!

Jenny Rubin!

See you there!

I like to yell sometimes!

Is Anyone Else Bummed That Julia Roberts is "Back?"

Man. Her retirement from the limelight after birthing those squid babies really was nice for me albeit all too brief. I was hoping for a permanent vacation from that toofy mug of hers, but I guess I should be thankful. Ok, I'm thankful. Positive spin '09!

Save the Date for Mortified NYC on May 20: New Venue, New Time!

It's Springtime for Mortified!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

7 pm

at Le Poisson Rouge!

www.lepoissonrouge.com

Advance reservations suggested--tickets on sale now here!

Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people. Mortified is produced in New York by Anne Altman and Julia Wright. www.getmortified.com

www.marriedtothesea.com

A Total Kitchen Renovation for Less Than $500?

Found it, suckers!

Anne Finally Gets Her Sh*t Together to See Les Paul Tonight

Seriously, it's taken me years to drag my fat ass to simply perform a few strokes on a keyboard and plunk down a few bucks with the purpose of seeing a legend, one who is entering his 95th year on the planet, and


And I received the following email this morning:



"Les Paul will not be performing tonight due to illness; world class guitarist Larry Coryell will be sitting in for him with the Les Paul Trio as his backing band. Your tickets for Les Paul will be refunded, but we encourage you to purchase tickets to see Larry Coryell ($25 with a $15 food/beverage minimum). Hope to see you tonight!"





Boo!





Get well soon, Les.

Who Was Just Shopping in Walgreens Enjoying the Hits?

Debby Boone, You Light Up My Life, 1977

Hi

back from the brink of death.

you guys good?

A Thought

An old man stared at me on the subway home tonight, and it creeped me out. 

(Note to self: Don't stare at young men on the subway. It creeps them out.) 

Climbing the Ladder in the New Economy

Doodle ~ NYC~ '09

Any Publicity is Good Publicity. Right, Hos?

You know you've finally made it when somone scribbles on the men's bathroom stall wall that you're a whore.

What?

Men's Bathroom, far right stall wall, 3/18/09



A colleague of mine who happened to be taking a D in the last stall (that's generally the dumping stall of choice for both sexes it seems) got his phone out (not un-gross, but it was an emergency) to text Greenberg, "Did you write that Anne is a whore in the men's bathroom?" He hadn't. 

Me? Are you sure? Really? 

So of course, Greenberg and I immediately ran down the hall with my camera so Greenberg could document the flattery, and I could post it here. I'm slightly insulted that they left the "e" off of Anne (could they be referring to some other whore?). Other than that, I'm proud to be celebrated, you know, and on someone's mind while they were doing a doody at work, I guess.

The fact that the scribble is in decidedly "girly" handwriting (ye olde circle instead of a dot over the i) and I work in an a "professional" office--not a Junior High School--makes it all the more puzzling, but I never said I didn't work among lunatics, folks. No shortage of lunatics here. We may have a surplus. 

I'd write more, but I've got some whoring to catch up on, you know. Gotta bone up on boning some dudes and whatnot. I've got a repuation to uphold, afterall!

Yours,
Whore

Yo, I Saw Rocky the Other Night

I'd forgotten what a good movie it is. All those other crappy Rockys that followed must have ruined my perception of the original. I hadn't seen Rocky in ages, and it occured to me that I'm not sure if I ever saw it in its entirety, because there are lots of little terrific scenes I saw for the first time.

For example, when Rocky walks the bratty girl home and lectures her about hanging with hooligans on the block who don't respect her and as she steps into her house she calls him a creep. Then there's the part where he finally gets Adrian up to his apartment and they smooch by the front door and fall onto the floor, still smooching. And the scene where Mickey (Burgess Meredith) climbs all the stairs to ask Rocky if he can train him, Rocky kicks him out and has a 3 minute shouting fit by himself about how Mickey wasn't there for him before, and what a dump his apartment is and how much it stinks and oh, the indignity before he chases Mickey down the street and gives the little old man a hug and stuff.

Oh, Rocky. Hard on the outside but soft on the inside, see? It really is an excellent script. Remember his jokes about the turtle food when he'd go to the pet store to flirt with Adrian? Here's the excerpt from Stallone's script:

ROCKY
... How's the turtle food this
week?


ADRIAN
... Fine.

ROCKY
Me, I'm kinda aggravated.

ADRIAN
... I'm sorry.

ROCKY
Ain't your fault - Here's the
problem.

Adrian nods... Though charmed, she is slightly intimidated.

ROCKY
The last food I got here had
more moths than flies -- An'
the moths get caught in my
turtle's throat -- That makes
them cough --

The OWNER, a squat woman of forty, steps out of the back and
waves at Rocky.

ROCKY
(continuing)
Yo, Gloria -- I was talkin'
about the turtle food -- Like
I was sayin', the moths get
caught in the turtle's throat
an' makes 'em cough...
(coughs)
A little cough an' I gotta
smack 'em on the shell -- An'
whatta think they get?

Adrian shrugs.

ROCKY
(continuing)
I smack 'em hard on the shell
an' they get... What?

ADRIAN
... I don't know.

ROCKY
Shell-shocked!

Both the Owner and Adrian smile.


OWNER
Startin' with the bad jokes
early today, huh.

ROCKY
Inventin' jokes ain't easy.



__________

Awww, Rock. Tell me about it.

Lucas Held and I See Dead People

You're not going to believe this, but there actually was a time in my life, a very dark time, when I believed I was the only one who finds herself studying random folks on the subway wondering what they'd look like without skin and hair. And then I met Lucas Held. So take heart, folks, because none of us are alone; it takes a village to destroy everyone who sucks.  

Look, You Don't Love This Because You're Gay

You love it because you're an a-hole. 

Now pull yourself together, sad sack! Quick! Now! Before your mother sees you! You're embarrassing! God! Such an a-hole. 

For My Sis Whipcreamy --and Those Who Think They Can Dig It 2

The Teletubbies, "Shake That Ass, Bitch" Remix-i-Doodle

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

From my family to yours!
(L-R, Aunt Kay, Photo of Pope and Some Junior Pope Dude, Aunt Mary, Aunt Pat, Grammie Finn -nee Ellen O'Leary of Cork-, and Mom)

Big Fish Story

Doodle Prefers the Littlest Birds for Delicious Reasons

The Good Taynas, The Littlest Birds, '06

Annes Opinion on the 2009 Lenten Leg Wax for Springtime Fun Fashions & Jesus

Gals, if you're like me, you want to give up hair for Lent-- & get the kicky, smooth n' creamy, shiny, perky, Spring legs you deserve--but you don't have the $32 it takes in the New Economy. I know. I understand. 

My advice after my very first leg wax today? 

Fuck it. 

Save your money, drag your hairy-legged ass off the couch, comb your local beach/landfill, find a crusty, rusty, sandy, broken, pink Daisy disposable razor circa 1998 (preferably nestled near broken glass/or a plastic Tampax applicator and/or festering in a clumpy pool of yellow fever) and scrape the living fuck out of your legs with it for 27 minutes straight, no stopping until everything is horrifying. 

Beautiful! And free. 

You're welcome. 

Get Well Soon, Totonno's o' Coney Island

I heard on the radio this morning that lil' ol' Totonno's on Neptune Avenue in Coney Island sustained major damage in a fire on Saturday. Boo!!! This is disheartening. Totonno's opened in 1924, and they vow to reopen. Luckily, I was there on Valentine's Day Weekend and was able to share the goodness with my sister Whip and her husband before it burned, because it just won't be the same. I generally try not to be that a-hole who is all, "This is the BEST pizza, way better than any pizza you think is the best pizza," but it was. Get well soon, Totonno's.

Me n' Mike at Totonno's after a November swim in Coney Island with the Bears.

Photo by Seneca. 11/12/06

I Feel a Little Like This Today

November, 1935. "Auto dump near Easton, Pennsylvania."

Large-format nitrate negative by Walker Evans for the Farm Security Administration.

View full size.

www.shorpy.com

Doodle Will Learn Yous How to Chill, Yo

Doodle, NYC ~March 15, 2009

If there was any doubt that Doodle loves a plug-in heated donut bed, or that the 7lb terrorist actually knows how to chill out sometimes--here's evidence. After some sweet talking and a sprinkle of catnip to make the bed new again (she was bored with it for awhile and getting in my grill too much) here she is purring and kneading the crap out of the side of the thing. I can't explain why she wears the ridiculous stripey outfit everyday, that's her deal.

Love Will Turn You Around or It Won't

Kenny Rogers, "Love Will Turn You Around", 1982

Life is full of surprises, so if love doesn't turn you around, something else will. It could be a new pet turtle or a speeding ticket or a Dunkin' Donuts flatbread sandwich. In 5-times married Kenny's case, it was the the temptation of a hot new pair of tits and the inevitable divorces. And the unfortunate plastic surgery. And the demise of Kenny Rogers Roasters. Which is still popular in Asia, Ken, so...maybe stop turning your face around and enjoy what you've got for a spell. K? K. 

Love,

Anne

Doodle: a Piece of Work Even Next to a Piece of Work

www.sanspantaloons.blogspot.com

See Anne Live: Tonight at Casual Fridays with Katina & Brandy

Oh, like I'm not super psyched in the new economy to talk about few crappy jobs I had in the old economy. Come see me in Casual Fridays with Katina & Brandy! Tonight! 

CASUAL FRIDAYS WITH KATINA & BRANDY 

A show that's casual, yet elegant -- like those khakis your boss always wears. Your hosts Katina Corrao (HBO, Comedy Central) and Brandy Barber (Comedy Central, MORTIFIED!) host a short & sweet Happy Hour show featuring both a seasoned comic and an amateur office vet sharing their wacky all true stories of work related woe. With songs, sketches and even a chance for after-work warriors to win fun prizes, plus killer drink specials, this is one office outing you'll want to attend!

Ochi's Lounge at Comix

Tonight, Friday the 13th

7 pm

www.comixny.com

free!

For Betty

Elvis Presley, Fools Fall in Love, Written by Leiber and Stoller. 1966

WWTOD?

God blessed him to play football. Does it matter*?


*Kinda: I'm no football analyst, but in my opinion, the Bills + TO = TO + the same crappy QB.  


SOMEBODY GET ME A PIMP SUIT AND FIND ME A SEAT NEXT TO BRADSHAW, ALREADY!

Now's Not the Best Time for This

so, many of you know that doodle has been toilet trained for 8 years, and 90% of the time its without incident.

doodle took a pee tonight for some reason at the end of the pee, decided to reposition herself to shoot the last of the stream against the wall. then she jumped down off the toilet and ran away. as she would.

it appeared she got confused with her pee squat and her poop hover and she probably had to pee and poop at the same time and just freaked out.

so i said, 'goddamnit, doodle" and i went and got the cleanser and 7 paper towels for the pee that missed the toilet and threw the wads into the toilet.

mistake.

doodle came back in a few minutes to take a proper poop, took a proper poop, they all landed in the toilet on top of the paper towels, and i waited for her to jump off and run away so i flush the toilet.

the toilet overflowed and now there is a ton of water and ton of doodies swimming all over the floor.

and now i need 75 paper towels, 3 real towels, and someone who is willing to pick up 6.5 cat turds floating across the tile for $20.

it's almost midnight, i just got home, and you know how i'm solving this problem?

by shutting the bathroom door behind me.

can't deal with that right now.

not now.

These Boots Were Made for Whatevs

Anne's Boots on Caspian Lake ~ Greensboro, VT~ March 8, 2009.

Photo by Tuna the Fish.

I'm No Angel Because I Love This Song

And this video? Forget about it. I'm all over it. He dies in the end, yo. But he doesn't. He's like Jesus, man. Or a zombie. Viva Post Hep C Gregg Allman! The Allman Brothers are live at the Beacon through March 28. And when was the last time you saw Jesus or a zombie live at the Beacon? Exactly. See you there. 

Gregg Allman, I'm No Angel, 1987

Mad Dog 20 20

Greensboro, VT ~ March 8, 2009

Click on image for maximum road rabies.

See Anne Live in Real Tales of College on March 11

Hi, Kids!

I'm thrilled to announce I'll be spinning a yarn--a Real Tale of College--at the Real Tales of College Storytelling Show! It's fun, recession-friendly entertainment with no cover; just get a drinky doodle! You know you want to. I'll show you how.

Real Tales of College!

Adam Wade and Jake Goldman (two very nice people who happen to be Mortified alums) host Anne Altman, Shawn Hollenbach, Margot Leitman and Dan Luddy telling stories that range from the absurd to the heartfelt.
March 11, 2009~ 7:30pm.

Ochi's Lounge @ Comix
353 W 14th St (at 9th Ave, basement of Comix)
212-524-2500
Subway: A, C, E to 14th St; L to 8th Avenue

Looking for a Low Rate Adjustable Mortgage?

Doodle, NYC ~ 3/3/09

New Emergencies in the New Economy

Florida woman goes cuckoo for mass-produced, deep-fried, chicken bits and calls 911.

According to the 911 transcript, Latreasa Goodman said,

"The manager just took my money and won't give me my money back, trying to make me get something off the menu that I don't want. I ordered chicken nuggets. They don't have chicken nuggets, and so I told her, 'Just give me my money back,' and she tells me I have to pick something else off the menu. She is not going to give me my money back, and she don't have the right to take my money."

"This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one. This is an emergency."

Two Canned Heat

Annoying day at work? Folks can't seem get it together to work together, right? Red tape and retardation gettin' in the way? I hear you, brothers and sisters. I feel you. 

 

I spent a large part of my day trying and re-trying the combination of a padlock I was told repeatedly was 350---turns out someone gave me the wrong information and the combination was actually 530. Dyslexia kills, folks. It kills. Well, it killed a day and a large part of my spirit, but that's not your problem.

Let's settle down with a little Canned Heat, shall we?




Let's Work Together, Canned Heat. Live 1/3/70.

365(6) by Anya Garrett

Another one of my incredibly talented colleagues, Anya Garrett, has just published a book! It's an amazing collection of her 365 Days of Self Portraits Photography Project which she worked on tirelessly from April '07 to April '08.  

You may recognize Anya's work from the pics she takes for us at Mortified in NYC (see her photos from our last show, Mortified's My Pathetic Valentine on February 11, click here) to the head shots of celebrities, up-and-coming celebrities, and plain old civilians like yours truly. Check out her new book, "365 (6)" here. For more information on Anya, visit her at AnyaGarrett.com. 

Congratulations, Anya! As you'd say, "You're pretty!" I'll say! Viva!

Spring Break Alternative to Mexico's Bloody Beaches

Mexico's drug war is escalating, making Spring Break travel dangerous. Why not consider Missouri?

The Tribble Hotel ~ Hayti, Missouri

The Tribble's right off Highway 61. Sure, it's not on the beach and it's missing the excitement of possible kidnapping and gunfire, but it's got 16 air-conditioned units with tile baths and showers.

This Dog Must Be Juiced on Mega Vitamins

Murray Hill, NYC, 3/2/09

Click on the image for maximum technicolor pee pee.

Cheeky

Doodle, NYC~ 3/2/09

71% of Anne's Diet in the New Economy

I've proven one can live for 6 months on a diet of Campbell's Tomato soup and beer alone.

U2's Bono Calls Coldplay's Chris Martin a Wanker

Totes.

The Waldorf Astoria: A Good Bathroom to Do Coke or Kill Yourself In

The Waldorf Astoria ~ Spacious hotel bathroom on a nice high floor ~NYC ~ 2:20 a.m. ~ 2/28/09

Imagine the respect you'll get when you tell everyone you offed yourself at the Waldorf!

Recession-Friendly Entertainment in the New Economy: TheSet NYC

I had the chance to check out theSet NYC's February 25th show last week at the New World Stages' Time Out New York Lounge. TheSet NYC is a 2-hour monthly showcase featuring a diverse lineup of musicians, comedians, poets, dancers, and even contortionists. Yes, contortionists! Unfortunately, I missed the show with the contortionist, but I was able to see the following talented folks, and we had a terrific time:

theSetNYC @ the Time Out New York Lounge, 340 West 50th Street, 2/25/09

You see that sign? It says Reserved.

Scout Durwood and Kai Raziq, co-hosts. Both gorgeous, no? Scout and Kai can be stalked at http://www.scoutdurwood.com/, and myspace / aladdin145, respectively.

J. Cabrera sang an infectious "I Used to Love You." Check him out at myspace /jcabreramusic.

Rachel's Last Resort. Rachel, an irreverent singer/songwriter, cracked me up with breakup songs on her mandolin. "I haven't left the house today; I'm eating frosting straight from the tub and wine straight from the bottle..." Oh, Rachel. How do you know my life? Check her out on myspace / thisisrachelslastresort.

6'7" Rapper GoodBrother threw me for a loop with his sensitive rhymes, including "I Cry Sometimes." and another, "Woman," where he gave props to us ladies: Wonderful, Outstanding, Mature, Aware, and Necessary. Amen, GoodBrother. Check him out at myspace / musayasin.

The gorgeous Scout Durwood, comedian and actress from Kansas City. "People at comedy shows generally cheer from where they're from. I'm from Kansas. No one chants."


Redwine sang to me a sexy version of "Take it Slow" and "I'm Ready" and "I Just Can't Stop." At least he was looking at me when he was singing. What kind of face do you make when someone is singing sexy songs to you? I don't know, but I think I made the wrong ones. Redwine can be found on myspace / redwinecom.

Kai demanding to see Redwine's driver's license and surprise! His name is actually Redwine. Redwine tells me its Native American. Love it!

Evon Campbell, a comedian from Brooklyn, made me laugh with his material about "time release crackers" and nude beaches. He can be found at myspace/evoncampbell.

Kama Linden, singer/songwriter and musician, sang her heart out about being "Better Late than Never" and "Uninhibited." Word, Kama. Word.

Kai Raziq, Scout Durwood and Redwine close the show.


TheSet NYC is as Recession '09 friendly as it gets because its free, free, that's right, a FREE, evening of up-and-coming nentertainment just blocks from Times Square in the heart of the most amazing city in the world. Visit thesetnyc.com for more information on being a part of or seeing their next showcase. Special thanks to producer Pim for having me; I'll be back!

You Call This Snow?

School cancelled? Offices closed? Please. The only thing disrupted by this "storm" was my sleep because of the constant snowplows scraping up the concrete. Your tax dollars at work!

We're Turnin' Your Bedroom Back into the Computer Room

We're All Just Rollin' and Tumblin'

The late, great, R.L. Burnside with "Rollin' and Tumblin'", Live

Doodle Couldn't Give a Mouse's Ass About Doodling

From whipcreamy.

Doodle Porn

Doodle loves her free, pre-caught, pre-chewed Chicken Clumps n' Gravy as much as the next lazy, confined-to-a-tiny-apartment, drab existence, sack-of-shit is, but if she had it her way, she'd be out and about, catching her own excitement. You guys can relate to that, I'm sure. And while you may burn off your frustration with porno sites such as RedTube and Tube8, Doodle--according to her internet history--is all about MouseTube. Warning, not suitable for vegetarians. Or those who don't get off on bone-crunching, mouse-eating videos. 

Dear Upstairs Neighbor

Your kid sucks at the saxophone. 

Thanks, bye. 

Anne

Doodle Eats!

This is a rare and unique phenomenon which happens approximately twice a year, and only when Doodle arrives at her country house after a 7-hour commute from her city house, and it's time for dinner. You'll notice nothing comes between Doodle and paradise-on-a-plate: Chicken Clumps n' Gravy--not her annoying human companion, her annoying human companion's mother, her annoying human companion's sister on the answering machine, a flushing toilet, her ridiculous whiskers--not even her Calvins.*Volume up for all of the meow meow num num nummy goodness. Enjoy!

*Blue Lagoon Remake: Feline Edition starring Doodle the Cat as Emmeline as and Bernie the Cat as Richard wrapping up soon, designer jean endorsement in the works. Momma's proud. 

PS If you love this, give it a 5 star YouTube rating; Doodle wants to become as virus-y famous as Kittens Inspired by Kittens, and won't settle for less. Meowwwnum num  num nummm. Num.