You've Been Lookin' For a Recipe Like This Your Entire Life

There are a lot of carp in Cuba Lake. My cousin said you can't eat 'em. This recipe says he's wrong.

Carp Tacos
Ingredients

• 1 pound ground carp
• 3 Tablespoons vegetable oil
• 1 package taco seasoning
• 1/2 cup water
• Sliced tomato (or salsa)
• 12 flour tortillas
• Shredded lettuce
• Grated cheddar cheese
• Taco sauce
• Sour cream

Before shredding the fish, remove mud vein, or redish-brown section of meat. Cook the shredded fish in the oil until its color changes. Add the taco seasoning and water. Cook until nearly dry, stirring occasionally. Heat flour tortillas in a dry fry-pan, turning to lightly brown on both sides. They should still be soft and pliable when warm. Fill each tortilla with fish mixture. Add grated cheese, taco sauce, lettuce, tomato chunks (or salsa) and top with sour cream.

This recipe has been generously contributed by www.fishingworks.com.

Click Here To See More Recipes

Or here, to read a true story called Murder At Cuba Lake

How Do You Doo?

Last week, on my way to the ladies room, I opened the doors to that side of the floor only to be greeted by an invisible wall of poo which damn near knocked me over. And it wasn't even the ladies room, but the hall leading to the ladies room! And the handicapped bathroom, which methinks was more the offender, most likely a fella. A non-handicapped-just- too- lazy- to- go- to the- other- side- of -the- floor -to- the- proper- mens-room type of fella.

But anyway, I digress. My next step, logically, was to go back to my office and drag my coworker out to enjoy the same door-opening encounter. Then we called another coworker from the phone in the elevator bank, pulled him off whatever he was working on, and told him to meet us out there for something important.

It was important, right?

Then I used the ladies room on another floor.

Horoscope Says So

I'm supposed to give my bedroom a new look, one that matches my sophisticated personality, and then I'm supposed to throw a party to celebrate the results. Hrrrmmph.

7 Inches for 3.99?

Ideal for neck and back pain?

Anne Eats Words

Guess who called me back? That's right! Sometimes your insurance agent will work 49 minutes overtime for you.

Claim Paid.

Finally, some good news all up in this piece.

Hallelujah!

More! More!

Oh my god HAHAHAHAHAHA it was so funny hahahahHAHAHAHA let me tell you once I stop laughing, ok, HAHAHAHAH, ok, I just talked to the insurance agent about my $3600 claim and she said she'd call me back before 5 to give me the status on my money that I need to pay for the flood my upstairs neighbors caused in my apartment by leaving the water running all dayHAHAHAHa and HAHAHAHAHA it's now 5:25 and she never called back and HAHAHAHA she won't because she said she was leaving at 5 oh my god that was so funny HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA CAN'T STOP LAUGHING, INSURANCE IS HILARIOUS

Pen To Paper/Finger To Keypad

Dear Technology,
I hate you.
Thanks,
Bye

Wow, I Ain't Never Seen That Before

I saw some lovely and interesting things on my drive from Olean to Buffalo. Beautiful rolling hills, thick cornfields, a still-in-business Drive-In movie theater, old houses and barns, cows, Dollar Stores...

and

The Most Interesting Thing I Saw On My Drive:

A woman digging a hole in her sideyard while seated in a lawn chair.

All you need to garden is a fat ass, a chair, and a shovel, my friends.

Welcome to Annoyingtown

How the f am I supposed to sell my ass on eBay without a computer at home?

Happiness Is

1. Peace
2. Love
3. Understanding
4. Volvo S60
5. A computer that's not a piece of shit
6. Dinner outside of a vending machine

Serves Me Right

I just purchased these from the vending machine:




just so that I could get to these:



and I decided to try these anyway



and they were as unpalatable as they looked. Now I don't feel so hot and am afraid that I can't eat these, the original goal:



The moral of this story:

KEEP YOUR LOUSY PAWS OFF THE DAMN VENDING MACHINE YOU'LL END UP REGRETTING IT

I'm So Hungry I Could Eat a Wagon Wheel

'Member this?

Hanker for a hunk a, slab or slice or chunk a...

PU

Honest to goodness, I just had to close an issue of in Touch Weekly, for the stench coming off of the Pamela Anderson/Kid Rock Wedding article was too much for my delicate nose.

Seriously.

I don't have to worry about those nose hairs anymore.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOODLE!

Go, Doodle, It's Your Birthday...

It was August* 7**, but I was busy sleeping in the Buffalo Niagara International Airport. I'd be posting great new photos of Doodle (and my fantastic weekend) right about now, but ye olde PC is broken. So, a picture from my camera phone must suffice:

When and if the PC of shit gets fixed, Doodlefest will continue thru the month of August.



*Month guesstimated by the vet

**Date arbitrarily chosen by me

Today's News

1. The world is on fire because everyone hates everyone else
2. I hate people too but for different reasons generally including -but not limited to- bad manners
3. The carrots I'm eating taste like sunscreen
4. Some celebrity that used to be hot is now not
5. A celebrity couple that was on t.v. about how great a couple they are is now splitting up
6. Ignorance is bliss
7. Nosehairs are annoying
8. Some celebrity just got plastic surgery
9. Mel Gibson hates Jews
10. GW Bush is an a-hole

And that, my friends, is the news.

Let's Get Impulsive

Alright, alright. My PC is PC of Shit.

Let's say I'm feeling impulsive enough to run out and get a Mac of the laptop variety.

Suggestions?

Wishlist

I didn't see a place on my Wishlist for me to Build My Own Volvo.

So, for those of you interested in purchasing one for me, please go here. Any model will do*.



*I prefer navy, but any color will do. Honestly.

Ooops I Did It Again

I just noticed a tiny stain of the bleached variety marring the center of my beautiful emerald top.

Why can't I have nice things?

I AM THE REASON WHY I CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!

I think I'm going to throw up.

Decisions Are a Bitch

Floral Robe

This exquisite floor-length robe is perfect for lounging or entertaining. Designed in soft-as-silk polyester satin with a beautiful floral print, it features a front zipper, mandarin collar and inset pocket. Machine washable. Available with a beige or light blue background.

Specify color and size: 1X(18-20W), 2X(22-24W) or 3X(26W).

Floral Robe

Item 66795 SALE! $24.99.... $14.99

I Need a Lover Who Won't Drive Me Crazy

'Tis true. It doesn't seem like a lot to ask.

Computer Crash Day

My posting is down for a few reasons, the number one reason being:

My piece of shit home computer crashed again. Things like this happen to me. I find situations like this highly annoying. I am not a patient person when it comes to electronics. I get the urge to throw things like broken electronics out of other things like open windows.

Can anyone translate this error message for me?

{windows root}/system32/ntoskrnl.exe

I have a feeling it means

{you're fucked}/kill yourself/haha.exe

but I can't be sure.

Have I Told You Lately How Much I Love Joan Rivers?

She's plastic, she's fantastic--God loves an honest broad who tells it like it is, and so do I. Doesn't He? If not, whatevs. She's female comedy pioneer and a fighter--simply a great comic. She's blunt and dirty and outrageously funny.

My mom and I saw Joan live at Fez a few years ago, I know her piano player, and he got us great seats right up front. At one point, woman got up in the middle of her set to go to the bathroom. Joan ragged on her as she left but the woman didn't hear her. So, while she was gone, Joan went rifling through the contents of her purse. I could see myself doing something like that.

I could also see myself doing something like this, just another one of the reasons why I love her so much.

Her daughter Melissa? Not funny. Terrible, actually. If she weren't Joan's daughter, Joan would say as much--however she did bust on the fact that she forked over a million+ on Melissa's wedding and what a waste of cash it was (failed marriage). Now that was funny.

Afternoon Nausea

There are things in life that don't make any sense to me. White pumps with navy pantyhose, toaster cozys, Log Cabin Republicans, and last but not least: Women against Freedom of Choice. If women are so quick to give up their rights to their reproductive system, they shouldn't have a problem giving up their right to vote either. You don't mind, do you Elisabeth?

I'm all for Freedom of Speech. I'm just against overpaid idiots like you on television. You wouldn't have your nice cushy overpaying television job if it weren't for crusading women of the past, fighting the battles for you, Elisabeth. They'd be so proud of you and your attempts to turn back the clock on women's rights!

Are you sure your husband approves of you working outside of the home? I'd check with him if I were you. Bring back domestic violence I say! In this case, specifically! Click here to be enraged by the idiot in the green shirt with capped-butterfly sleeves. I wish I could provide you with a button to click that would punch her in the face but I don't know HTML that well.

Shuffled Off / Back From Buffalo

Anne's Long Weekend To Western New York: Food, Folks, and Fun

Food:

1. The Ho-Sta-Geh's Petite Filet Mignon with twice baked potato
2. Angee's Elephant Ears All The Way: Fried thick cut balogna on a roll with sauteed onions, peppers and cheese
3. Traditional Hot Chicken Wings with bleu cheese and celery sticks, Bread and Butter Fresh Corn on the Cob

Folks:

1. My cousins and their friends
2. My cousins and their new kids
3. My aunt and uncle

Fun:

1. Bloody Marys with spicy olives and Cuba cheese curds while cruising on Cuba Lake
2. Watching the sunset over the Enchanted Mountains with a glass of wine on the deck of the Ho-Sta-Geh Restaurant (Indian for "up-on-the-rocks")
3. Jumping off the same boat house I jumped off of 30 years ago again, and again, and again

The Best Line I Heard All Weekend: After a brief encounter with a very local fellow my cousins know, his parting line to me (and another cute broad), "Well, it was nice lookin' atcha..."

The Best Surprise: Realizing that the cottage I spent so many summers in over the years as a kid hasn't changed a bit, making the weekend a bizarre step back in time.

The Second Best Surprise:

Purchasing an economy class rental for $69.00 for three days and walking away from the counter with the keys to this:

For those of you who do not personally drive luxury vehicles and may not be familiar with the stylings of the VOLVO S60 Class, THIS IS WHAT THE VOLVO S60 CLASS STYLES LIKE! I was stylin' and profilin' my way from Buffalo to Olean! Deep navy blue exterior with tan leather interior? What? Sun roof? What, what? CD Player? What what what? All kinds of other cool shit I didn't have time to tool around with? WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT? I could get used to this kind of car, which means only one thing: PLAY MORE LOTTO. You can pass an Amish fella with horse and buggy, an old lady in Chrysler K, a truck haulin' hay: 0-100 in 2 seconds flat.

The Worst Surprise:

Speeding back to the airport to return my sweet ride only to find that my flight was delayed.

And delayed.

And delayed.

And delayed.

And delayed.

Long story short: Yours truly slept in the airport and was kindly awoken by the janitor who asked, "Are you on that flight over there? They're boarding now..." Finally. 5 hours later. That's the kind of buzzkill that can take the shine off of a Volvo S60. A little bit.

Not entirely.

Hard On Myself

I just checked my numbers for Wednesday's New York Lotto Jackpot:


NADA.


I am just not doing well at this. I'm downright terrible. I need to get my shit together.

Regrettable Lunchable

Forgive me if I am repeating myself, but I do believe that the most perfect food is:

The Jalepeno Popper

Until, that is, it repeats on me.

I had three at lunch. Completely unecessary. Is that all I ate? Yes. The two miniature egg rolls I ate do not count because

1. I ate them while roaming the cafeteria
2. I did not pay for them
3. They were terrible

Tummy. Hurts.

And I'll do it again.

My Painting By Phong the Elephant Has Arrived

Phong, Painting His Trunk Off, Thailand

...and it's AMAZING! Doodle was all jealous, and I was like, Whatever, cat. Pick up a paint brush. Pick up the xylophone. Pick up after yourself. Why can't you be more like Phong? Show some ambition, hmm? And would you believe that she slapped me?


You can support the elephants by purchasing their art right here.

Appropriate Photo For Phriday

Bon Voyage

A colleague has a free ticket and hotel room for a week's stay in the island paradise of Curacao and he has invited none other than YOURS TRULY!!!!

It's incredible, isn't it?

I know!

What's more incredible?

I will not be going!

Why?

Because I'll be here:

Ok, I won't actually be at this particular "Modern Strip Mall", or hanging out with these ladies back in 1957 via Tardis Timemachine, but I will be flying into Buffalo, New York.

The hell with Curacao!

From Buffalo, I'll be renting a economy-class vehicle and driving to The Enchanted Mountains* of Olean, New York!

Curacao can suck it!

Feel free to check in on the hot action I'll be enjoying anytime you like, via this live Olean webcam. If you don't have Java, feel free to peruse this Olean Website, and you'll understand why I chose Olean over Curacao. It's like, duh.

*They are enchanting, actually, and I'm psyched to be going. The next time my colleague goes to Curacao and has a free extra ticket and airfare I'll take him up on it. I'm sure it happens all the time.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz

Doodle cat also loves flies.


http://fun.from.berdyczow.org/2004-05-26/posmeraj-goscia-w-nos.swf

I Expect More Respect

I went to the Sophie Pollitt-Cohen co-author of The Notebook Girls, her father, Randy Cohen, author of The Ethicist column in the The New York Times Magazine, and last but not least, musician and all-around entertainer, Corn Mo. Not a bad bargain for 5 beans.

Anyway, enough dropping other people's names. Ok, one more name which is important for this story: I ran into Kurt Braunohler after the show, who is not only a talented fella, he's also an ordained minister. Alright, now let's talk about me and my name for a second, and Why I expect More Respect:

You are now reading the words of an ordained minister.

That's right. Last night, I was officially ordained by Kurt (who is officially qualified to administer the power of minister--it's on the back of his card, ok?) with a cross of holy water (gin) on the forehead, and I am qualified to marry you--with a few exceptions:

1. Not legal in New York State
2. No dudes n' dudes or broads n' broads anywhere, because people are uncomfortable with that idea for some reason, so I guess I could marry you here in New York State anyway because why the hell not?

LET'S GET READY TO GET MARRIED! WHO'S READY? I've already got an outfit I'd like to do my ordaining and administering in. But do wait for me to get on the internet and sign up for my card first so it's even more official.

RESPECT.

Lions at the Gate

I must admit that this photograph of animal cruelty amuses me. If this is how Mr. Hamster and the felines actually co-habitate however, and this isn't a photo op, this is mean. Although when my guinea pig Dinky died when we were on vacation, Arkur (Arthur, my other guinea pig) started eating his corpse, so, that's kind of mean too. Boy, was I sad when Dinky died. Mom didn't tell me about Arkur's carnivorous ways until a few years ago. That was a good idea.

Beware the Baby

Motherhood. It's terrifying.

I'll tell you how many times I rewound it to 20 seconds and played it again if you do*.

Compliments of Matt Sears Forever.








*Five. My favorite part is how she recovers from recoiling in terror. It's outrageously human. She reminds me of my friend John.

Two Can Anne in the Press

Two Can Anne Recently Makes Creepy's Bloggomendations List!

True! I'm not making this up: The Church of Lost Souls calls Anne Altman "...a witty broad."

And I didn't even blow this dude. I swear. Right, Creepy? Tell the people I didn't blow you. I'm a lady.

What?

I said, I'm a lady. What, do you want a punch in the face?

To whom are you talking?

I don't know. Why don't you shut up?

Why don't you shut up?

Fine.

Fine.

Coney Island Fun, NYC

It's hot as hell.

You friggin' hate it.

You'd give anything to get in the ocean off of Coney Island right now.

Here are some photos I took on a trip to Coney Island:

Part of me really wanted to jump in myself...

.

...but ...

.

...it was fuckin' January...

...So I let my dear friend --

who happens to be a freak because he is a member of the Coney Island Polar Bear Club--

take a dip for me.

Yes, I'm aware of the fat guy in the frame.

What? He's well insulated!

It's cold. This dude couldn't handle it. I blame his swimsuit.

Strange crowd all around, right?

You bet your ass it is.

I love New York.

It's Hot, It's Her Birthday, It's Doodlefest 2006

The polls reveal that people want to see more Doodle. Why? Fuck if we know. We were a little surprised as well over here at Two Can Anne. Afterall, I do most of the writing and stuff. But, anyway. It's not a big deal. Really.

Ok, now in honor of her 7th birthday, Doodle and I invite you, my dear readers, to party all month long with this bitch--at what we've decided to call Doodlefest 2006! That's right! It's everywhere you want it to be because it's the blogosphere, so there's no camping and shit. Now, prospective sponsors are suggesting that I promoteDoodlefest 2006 as a 18+ show, so you know, Doodlefest doesn't have much along the lines of live music or beer or anything, but whatevs, --I didn't see anything--feel free to enjoy your own music and beer--if you're of age of course, and drink responsibly-- (did you any of you not see Little Darlings?) while you enjoy scenes of Doodle being Doodle.

I must say that with no disrespect to Doodle, Manny Being Manny is more interesting than Doodle Being Doodle. But Doodle Does Doodle better than Manny Does Manny.

That, I can promise you.

Feed Your Head

And some cats and dogs and crap while you're at it. Just wanted to make sure you are all clicking here to feed a pet for free. It's free for fuck's sake. And you know how the saying goes, "If it's free, it's for me, so friggin' click on it for chrissakes."

This Woman Needs To Go Away

Is anyone familiar with this irritation named Elisabeth Hasselbeck (nee Filarski)? I hadn't heard of her until today, and I need her to go back to anonymity please.

Someone needs to cause this to occur yesterday.

Apparently this twat's career began on Survivor. From there, she was then propelled into the NFL locker room long enough to trap one and marry, and now she's on the View for a reason I can't think of other than to make my teeth bleed with her "political" ranting.

The bitch is dumb.

You can see for yourself how irritating if you watch this. You can start from 5:40 and miss the beginning if you want. I'm not saying Sandra is soothing, I'm just saying that...that...that..well, I'm saying that this broad is simply terrible.

If You Want To Make Someone Feel Like Shit

Slam a door near, on, in, or around their face. Try it!

I Feel It Important To Tell You This

I am wearing a pair of underwear so gigantic today, that if something tragic happened to me that required a EMT (hot or not) to tear off my dress, I am going to die of embarrassment. So the whole rescue thing will end up being a homicide, and clearly there's no point in calling 911.

Wednesday's Afternoon Snack Is:

George Clooney On a Rope Swing

It is hump day, afterall.

I Don't Work Here

It's awkward when you're in a place of business, you're approached by a someone, and you have to say the phrase, "I don't work here."

Especially if you work there.

My Elephant Masterpiece Is Nearly Here!

It's a long way from Thailand to Newark.

Track Your Fedex Package

Activity

Location

Details


Aug 2, 2006 2:46 AM

Arrived at FedEx location

NEWARK, NJ




Aug 1, 2006 3:50 PM

Departed FedEx location

ANCHORAGE, AK




Jul 31, 2006 4:13 PM

In transit

ANCHORAGE, AK




11:55 AM

Arrived at FedEx location

ANCHORAGE, AK




11:23 AM

Int'l shipment release

ANCHORAGE, AK




9:08 PM

In transit

C.K.S. INTL AIRPORT TW




Jul 30, 2006 5:12 PM

At local FedEx facility

C.K.S. INTL AIRPORT TW




12:29 AM

Departed FedEx location

SUBIC BAY FREEPORT PH




Jul 29, 2006 3:08 AM

In transit

SUBIC BAY FREEPORT PH




12:52 AM

Arrived at FedEx location

SUBIC BAY FREEPORT PH




Jul 27, 2006 6:03 PM

Left origin

CHIANGMAI TH




5:49 PM

Picked up

CHIANGMAI TH




2:01 PM

Package data transmitted to FedEx

Help
Save the Elephants!

How Are You Celebrating QVC's 19th Anniversary?

I might just celebrate by buying myself a "believable" Diamonique Ring Set. Or, perhaps a three-stone pendant necklace or earrings.

I'm telling you, I was literally riveted by QVC the other night and surprised myself with how caught up I got with the Anniversary Celebration and stuff.

The whole thing is a fascinating formula that works. Why?

First of all, you feel like the whorish /girl-next-door-lookin host really loves her job, loves the shit she's selling, believes in it because it's so "believable" and most importantly--she cares about YOU.

You've been waiting forever for a 3-stone pendant necklace, waiting for a good time to buy, and you haven't seen a 3-stone pendant necklace at a tremendous savings like this until now. This is a find. Yellow or white gold, this 3-stone concept is permanently attached to the setting, beautiful, sparkling, utterly divine! Do yourself that favor, and buy this 3-stone pendant necklace yourself, right now. Do we have a matching 3-stone earring? Yes We do. Is it part of our EZ Pay plan? Yes it is. Right now, Item # 6537, an unbelievable QVC price of $38.50, this time only as part of QVC's 19th Anniversary. We have a caller on the line right now:

Hi, Bonnie!
Hello?
Bonnie, hi, how ya doin this evening?
Fine, thanks.
Great! Are you calling to tell us how much you love the 3-stone Diamonique pendant necklace?
Yes.
What do you like about the 3-stone Diamonique pendant necklace, that it's fabulous?
Yes.
Well, great, Bonnie, thank you so much for calling.
You're welcome.
Ok, now. Have a good week, Bonnie.
Thanks.
Goodnight, Bonnie.

Ok, back to Diamonique. I'm about to offend almost everyone I know, so here goes. When you can get a 3K diamond for $38.50, why would you spend thousands more? Yes, I understand it's a fake diamond. But it looks real enough.

I get compliments about my fake diamond shit all the time, and nobody ever says boo about the real stones I wear. Let people wonder if it's real or not. Who gives a shit? The person who inspects your ring and asks, "Is that real?" is someone you respect? Of course, your answer is always, "Yes."

Does Diamonique mean your husband doesn't love you enough to buy a real diamond? Plus, the whole engagement ring thing supposedly represents ownership and all that crap and what's nice about that? Why not spend those thousands of dollars on a down payment on a house? That's an investment too, isn't it? A much larger one that's harder to lose down the sink drain?

So all y'all out there who are about to propose, you know where to go. Two Can Anne is a cheap date. Diamonique or bust.

Because I'm worth $40.

I Am Not Talented But I Associate With Talent

Ergo, I think I'm so great. Rather, I think I'm so grape. Dig?

Ok, please suffer through the annoying commercial to see my peeps in two skits on Comedy Central's Motherload. Go to Today On Motherload: WEBSHOWS: Honesty. The skits are called Black Mailman and Wedding. You'll see my pretty ponies Ms. Sara Jo Allocco (holding the plastic baby) Lang Fisher (as the wife), Ms. Brandy Barber and Sara Jo again as bridesmaids...and Shawn Hollenbach!

Are you wearing any makeup today, or have you simply given up?

I hear you.

If You Don't Like Boobs You Won't Like This Post

You may think you're crazy about boobs, Sabrina Sabro might like boobs more than you do.

According to Perez Hilton, she's a wildly popular Mexican soap star.

A wildly popular Mexican soap star who is about to become more wildly popular:

She's getting another augmentation.

Of her titties.

Makin' 'em bigger.

That's right.

Cheaters Beware

Cheating never works unless you both like the idea. If so, is it still considered cheating? At any rate, Emily didn't like the idea. Good luck, Steven.

Personally, I would have said "I paid for this billboard with OUR joint bank account" --if I had spent that kind of money on a billboard about my cheating husband, I wouldn't want a grammatical error taking away my thunder, but then again I'm not the type of person who would tap a broad on the shoulder because she's sitting in my spot in Pilates class. I don't even go to Pilates class. So, there's that too.

I'll Be At the Pool

Doodle, 8/1/06

We Don't Want To Impeach You Because You Gained a Few Pounds

We want to impeach you because you're simply terrible.

Did I Hear Someone Say Show Me a Guy From Olean, New York With Some Nasty Sideburns Who Most Likely Has B.O.?

Well then, you are in luck.


It is with great pleasure that I present to you:


A Guy From Olean, New York With Nasty Sideburns Who Most Likely Has B.O.

United States Patents Are a Gas!

I used to work in the Intellectual Property department of a law firm. In other words: Nerds defending other nerds for the rights to the stuff they invented. Oftentimes I had to do research on particular patents, and the USPTO (United States Patent & Trademark Office) was a good place to start.

Free Patents Online has a nice Patent Number Quick Search field in the top right corner where you can type in a bunch of digits and see what's attached to that number. Let's say you type in 445881, you'll get a 1891 patent for a tobacco pouch. It's funny to think that some dude long ago invented something that got US Patent 1. This site doesn't go that far back obviously, but if you type in a 5, 6, or 7 digit random number, you'll get 1800's patents that are illustrated beautifully and interesting to peruse. Obviously the smaller the number, the older the patent. Patents these days are like 50,000 numbers. Ok, not 50,000 but it's up there.

Here's an example: I punched in 445, 880 and got a Breech Loading Gun, patented on February 3, 1891.

Old patents will not have a text version, so make sure to click where it says

Click here for the PDF version of this Patent. That Patent does not exist in text form.

That is, if you give a shit about this kind of crap like I do.

For some bizarre--but true-- patents, check out the Crazy Patent link in the left sidebar. Once you're there click on the item of interest--Protective Underwear With Malodorous Fart Filter US5593398 for example--go right down to the View PDF images part.

Reading wouldn't be fun without pictures, now would it?

Another One Of My Brilliant Gems Inspired By Dyslexia

The Calm Clam. What a great name for something. I don't know what type of thing would deserve such a clever name, but I've already done half the work. I was typing the word calm, and out came clam. So, calm clam. You know, obviously.

I've googled it, and guess what? Used by only one fella, and to name a photograph of a clam. See? So, this burst of genius also reveals that I'm not only creative, but cutting edge, ahead of the fray.

So, a great name for something right?

Ok, so maybe that the clam is the something that deserves such a clever name that I came up with during a dyslexic moment. The calm clam can mail me a check.

Slurring His Slurs

Mel Gibson hours before his arrest:

Listen, ladies, I'm not a bigot, I just hate Jews. Hey, either of you wanna bang me?

Anniversaries Can Suck It

Yeah, yeah, so MTV is 25 years old. So? So am I. I've been around longer than MTV's been around. You don't see me getting all excited about it.

Are we marvelling that they're still in business? What is the point, exactly, of celebrating that they're 25 years old? Is it surprise? Of course they're that old. They've been around for 25 years.

Was someone under the impression otherwise?

Is this 25th Anniversary thing a conspiracy to make me feel like shit? 'Cause I can do that all on my own, MTV. No thanks to you.

Old People Can't Sleep?

Of course you can't sleep when you're old. Your days are seriously numbered at that point, you're probably too terrified to sleep. Plus, you can sleep when you're dead, you're missing out on key hours here. And furthermore, how are you gonna get up so early like old people do if you get a good night's rest? You might sleep in, and then you'll miss the van pickin' you up to go walking in the mall.

Wow, Thanks For the Shitty Gift

Def Leppard's Pyromania is on the radio right now, and for some reason it reminded me of Van Halen which then reminded me of a bad birthday gift I gave to someone in high school. I was dating this kid named Paul, and he loved Van Halen. I do believe he had a diver's license plate thingie on the front of his car that looked like the cover of the Diver Down album. I think he had it because he was a diver and not because of the album, but I digress. He was pretty psyched about this new used car he just got--a white Chevy Nova --so I went to K-Mart and bought him some air fresheners and fuzzy dice, and the piece de resistance: a gas pedal shaped like a bare foot. I remember asking him when he was going to install it. What a shitty gift! That's just terrible.

I wonder what ever happened to that gas pedal. Landfill, no doubt.

Where I Chill, Where I Relax, Where I Chillax

Ever see Spock on Cribs? 'Tis good.

Around the World Around the World

I heard that Daft Punk's show at Coachella in April was sweeeeeeeet! If you want a little taste of it, go here. The quality is terrible, but it makes you really feel like you're in that K-hole.

Witty and Pretty

That's right, that's me. I just picked up a few grapes from the bunch on the conference table and said to a coworker, "You think you're so grape."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH ANNE STOP IT STOP IT PLEASE YOU'RE JUST TOO MUCH

Where There's a Will, There's a Way

This is how I"ll be funding my retirement, my sweet retirement. If I live that long, that is. Lotto just hasn't been panning out, and I don't think it's wise for me to put all of my eggs in that particular basket.

Diversify.

What Are You Trying To Hide?

Taste. I don't understand how people acquire taste, good or bad. Sometimes you can come from a really tasteful family, and have shitty taste. Or, you come from a tacky family, and have impeccable taste. Nurture, nature...how the f does it work? I have no idea. I credit my excellent taste to my mother--and when she's not around and I have to pick stuff myself, sometimes I bite it and get a shitty thing without her guidance. Anyway, this story isn't about me. Ok, I lied, it is about me, and my bewilderment over someone's crap taste.

When I first moved to the city, I crashed with my dear friend Sharon. After awhile, I found an apartment in the same building, and a roommate from a friend of a friend of a friend back in Boston. Getting a roommate that way is sort of like the telephone game. Don't do it. The friend ends up being nothing like the friend who recommended the friend of the friend. At any rate, the girl had cash for the apartment, and that's what mattered, but she looked at the whole arrangement like we were two gals sharing our first dorm room. Moving in day was irritating. Her mother rolled a chip n' dip holder the size of a wagon wheel into the living room and that's when I needed some air.

Roomie brought the shower curtain. It was tan. With country blue and brown rocking horses. I about died. Her towels? Brown.

BROWN.

BROWN?

Who the hell has brown towels unless they want to hide something? I don't care what matches what, unless you're at the beach, towels are only one color, and that is WHITE. Towels need to be white so you can tell when they're not clean anymore for cryin' out loud. I never touched those brown towels of hers. I do believe she brought the toilet cozy thing for the tank top, the seat, and the base as well. I call those things pube n' piss catchers. Disgusting.

At some point, I think 6 months in, I decided it was my turn to redecorate the bathroom. My mother mailed me a chic clear plastic number with black and white striping. As I was folding up her hobby horse shower curtain in the middle of the living room, my friend Sharon stopped up to say hello. The next thing I knew, Sharon had drawn a huge horse donk on one of the horses. Then I put it under the sink in the cabinet. When it was time to renew the lease, I declined; I had already found a new place, all to myself. I wonder if the shower curtain made a resurrection with it's new appendage.

The end.

You Gross Me Out

To know that John Mayer wrote "Your Body Is a Wonderland" for Jennifer Love Hewitt bums me out on so many levels including but not limited to my distaste for John Mayer, my distaste for Jennifer Love Hewitt and my distaste at the thought of the two of them naked exploring each other's wonderlands.


blecchhhhhhhhhfffffffffffffpppppthh.



"I do love Italian food. Any kind of pasta or pizza. My new pig out food is Indian food. I eat Indian food like three times a week. It's so good."
-Jennifer Love Hewitt

Where Do Doodles Come From?

Doodle will be 7 this month, and in honor of her birthday, I'll tell a little about her interesting provenance. In 1999 after our company Christmas party, a group of us went on to Pravda, so that we could get more hammered and talk more shit about people. I don't know about all of your constitutions, but generally it's safe rule to avoid nightcaps of the martini nature. But this is a martini bar, and I was young, and this is crap I used to do.

Anyway, I noticed the cute punk rocker working the coat check had a kitten in there with her. When I went with my coworker to collect our coats, I asked about the kitty. Or rather, slurred about the kitty.:

Hi you have a kitty in there can I hold her please?
Sure, do you want to adopt her? I'm looking for a home for her.
Kitteeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh, doooooodle kititeeeeeee kittieeeeeeeeeee doooooodle........Meowww...
I've adopted out all of her siblings but haven't found a home for her yet.
What's her name?
Standy.
What?
Standy. She was the only one in the litter standing.
That's sstupid name.
Do you want to adopt her? The only other guy I know is in a band and he'll never be around...
I'd love a kitty but I'm shitbanged. Prob'ly not a good idea to adopt while intoxicated.
I can get your number and call you in the morning? She's had all her shots...
Yess call me in th'morning thatsbetter here' s m' card bye. Bye doodle kitty kitty doodle.


As we left, my friend said, "If you get her, you have to name her Doodle. It's the first thing you said when you picked her up." What seemed like five minutes later, the phone rang the next morning. "Do you still want the kitty?" Ugh. What am I going to say, that she's not cute enough? Please. "Bring her on over," I said. And then up came Miss Punk Rocker and "Standy" with a litter box, scoop, and some food and toys. I got a little history: Apparently the kittens were an abandoned litter found in an alley between East Village tenements. They were each rescued by the lowering of a basket on a rope. Picturing Doodle in a basket being raised up to a window is hilarious to me.

When Miss Punk Rocker left, she cried, and I was hungover. I looked at Doodle formerly known as Standy, she looked at me. The light of day exposed her mangy tail and ears. I said, "Hey, there, kitten. I'm going to go back to bed. Make yourself at home, we'll get to know each other in a couple of hours."

The end.

PS For those Doodle fans who haven't seen her movies, please, do check them out. She's a piece of work, alright.

Douche On the Street

Man on the sidewalk talking to a hot broad he must work with and is trying to impress:

"I don't consider this bad weather."

Oh, look at you, Mr. Thinks He's So Great. Was that a segway into talking about your vacation house inside of a volcano? If you want to impress that broad, you might try less conversation and more wiping of the sweat beads off of your forehead. Thanks. Bye.

No Need To Stagger

I know I've done my fair share of stupid staggering and luckily, I lived to tell. As long as there are dudes on the planet, the world's going to be a dangerous place for ladies. So if you've got your wits about you to punch in a few digits, call these cats to haul your ass home.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

NYC Non-profit Provides Safe Rides for women--free
RIGHTRIDES - A FREE CAR SERVICE THAT SHUTTLES WOMEN
HOME FROM BARS AND PARTIES LAUNCHES JUNE 3RD IN NYC

RightRides, is a free car service that shuttles women
home from bars and parties on Saturday night from Midnight-3AM
Sunday starting Saturday June
3rd in NYC. The nonprofit was created because of a perceived increase in late
night attacks on women, cars are donated by Zipcar. The Dispatch
number to call is (718) 964-7781 - they only turn on the phones from
Midnight - 3AM Saturdays.


Picking up and dropping off riders in the following
areas:

Brooklyn: Greenpoint, Williamsburg, Bushwick,
Bedford-Stuyvesant, Clinton
Hill, Fort Greene, Prospect Heights, Park Slope,
Windsor Terrace, Gowanus,Boerum Hill, Downtown areas, Carroll
Gardens, Cobble Hill, and Red Hook.

Manhattan: East Village, Lower East Side, and
Chinatown

Queens: Long Island City

Hey You Get Off Of My Sink

Why Am I So Psyched?

Well, partly (if not entirely) because Mel Gibson is an a-hole and there's proof. Sure, in time he'll make a comeback; a-holes like this never seem to go away like they should. But for now, I'm enjoying his pain.

I don't feel sorry for you because you're an alcoholic Mel, I feel sorry for your wife and kids. You're not sorry that you did it, you're an entitled asshole who's sorry he got caught--and caught in the worst way you can imagine for an anti-semitic, hypocritical, mysogonistic, filthy rich ,egomaniac type of a-hole--in the pocketbook --and you won't be able to buy another island for awhile.

No doubt all that money and fame will twist a person, but one of your only responsibilities when you hit it big is to keep your perspective and follow the rules to the best of your ability. I mean, you're not doing your own laundry or picking up your own drycleaning anymore at that point, it doesn't seem like a lot to ask.

All I know is that if I can't drive up and down the Pacific Coast Highway in my Lexus, drinking tequila and screaming about the Jews all night and not get arrested, than you can't either, Mel. It seems to me you're an a-hole deep down, though--that "I own Malibu" line? Of course, then again, Lizzie Grubman called a Hamptons bouncer a piece of white trash, and 9/11 saved her ass by getting her face off of the front pages every day. These days she's back to the Hamptons skankin' it up like it never happened.

Anyway, Mel, I hope this scandal sucks bank and reputation away and that your wife leaves you, ties her tubes, and spends the rest of her days enjoying sex with a nice Jew.

The end.

What Else Is Happening?

newbluebaby's in the bloghouse, peeps. Check it. Or, be a douche. You know, whatever. It's your call.

It's your cawl, Joanne. I want my fifty bucks.

I Want Candy

I do. Do I need a trip to the vending machine? Or the elliptical machine?

There's someone in my office right now saying the world "clock" a lot and whenever he says it I hear a different word.

I may be tired.

Have I Told You Lately How Much I Love Oscar Wilde?

Oscar Wilde is another one of my dead bestest friends whom I've never met. Do yourself a favor and get to know him if you don't. I read this biography a few summers ago, and even though it weighs 52 pounds, I couldn't put it down. Don't have time for book learnin'? Here's my quick synopsis of his life in three sentences: Oscar Wilde was a brilliant, talented, and funny Dublin-born man who was larger than life and ahead of his time. A-holes were intimidated by his genius so he was arrested for the crime of being gay and sentenced to two years hard labor in prison. He died three years after he got out, at the untimely age of 54, from an ear infection exacerbated in prison; thanks a lot, a-holes.

1. A true friend stabs you in the front.
2. Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
3. Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
4. She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.
5. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
6. The moment you think you understand a great work of art, it's dead for you.
7. The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
8. There is no sin except stupidity.
9. To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
10. Only the shallow know themselves.

And finally, Oscar was hilarious even when he lay dying in a Paris hotel room:

"Either this wallpaper goes, or I do."

Chopped Off

The next time you ask a restaurant to chop a salad for you so you don't have to put an entire tomato on your fork, do specify that you're under 86 years old and have your real teeth. If you don't, they'll blend it for you. I have what amounts to a pile of wet oregano on this plate and frankly, it'd be easier to eat with a straw.

Disappointed! Annoyed! Whatevs!

Hers & Hers Personal Cooling Systems

Is this thing gay? You bet your ass it is! Whatevs. What's that, oh you can't stop laughing because I went to Sharper Image to buy myself and Doodle a few Personal Cooling Systems?

Still laughing? Please, like Doodle and I care. Be our guest--you'll work up a sweat laughing whilst we're cooling away the hours with these bad boys on our necks. Bad boys which, I might add, contain a patented, miniature evaporative-cooling system that our entire bodies enjoy for up to four hours of relief? HAHAHAHAHAHA Suck it.

All Of My Loving

Hi, kids. I know I was telling you all about myspace and how much more I want to submerge myself in virtual reality. I'm decidedly more popular there than in the regular reality. Not really, though you will notice, Eminem is my friend and stuff.

Anyway, my man Dave Hill is totally talented at everything he does, but especially singing falsetto-type backup and just generally jamming his ass off on guitar in his sweet band, Valley Lodge. If you hit me at myspace, their inf*cktious song, "All Of My Loving" starts playing immediately. And it's good. And by the end of the day, after you've been humming it for hours, you'll say, "Wow, Anne, you know some talented people. Why aren't they on the O.C. yet?" And I'll say, "Beats me. Hey, you have something in your teeth."

The Voice Of Bang

Is it wrong of me to find the intercommed voice of our high-rise building's Fire Safety Director hot? He just told me that Con Edison has asked him to cooperate with energy saving and will put half of the building on generator power and he just wanted to let me know that there'll be a brief interruption in lighting for 5 seconds.

I guess he told everyone else too, and not just me, but I felt like he was speaking to me. Maybe during that interruption in lighting is when I meet him in the stairwell?

Rigged

The Lotto numbers for Saturday?

5, 10, 15, 25, 30, 35

I'm suspicious. Look at the almost continuity of it all. Plus, 6 fuckers won. That's right. I'm not accusing anyone of anything, I'm just saying that...

Well, I'm just saying that if I knew that a combination like that would win, then you know, I would have picked it, is all.

So, I'm going to sulk here for awhile if you don't mind. The good news is that nobody won the Mega Millions, but it just doesn't seem like good news right now. I need a little time to get my head around this loss.

With Friends Like These

I've decided to inflate my bloated self-esteem via the dedication to the collection of new "friends" via myspace. Having thousands of friends I can count on--if it turns out I did not win the Lotto over the weekend-- gives me solace. After all, there is a slight possibility that I did not win. I know, I'm just playing devil's advocate.

Will advise.

Monday, Monday

Happy Monday! Incongruous terms? You bet your ass! In my world, anyway. Let's see. Today I woke up late, because I did. I forgot my brush so I looked homeless for the first hour I was in the office. I took a plastic fork to the bathroom with me so I could attend to it, and the broads in there gave me funny looks. What, a woman can't comb her hair with a fork? What else? Well, I'm about to check my Lottery numbers, and if you're looking for a fun time this afternoon, why don't you check out your office's online facebook photgraphs? People have ballooned up and down in weight, had some shitty hairdos, gone through some miserable fashions--I'm telling you, it's truly underrated free entertainment.

Sink Or Swim

Doodle, 7-31-06

Another Way Doodle Beats the Heat

It's cooler out on the terrazzo floors. But one has to be vigiliant. The sounds of the enemy are everywhere; one could be ambushed at any moment.

Isn't that right, Ol' Crazy Ears? Nice pants.

Bad Breath. Alizer.

How's everyone's Sunday treating them?

Anyone hungover?

Anyone have to spend the night in the clink like this guy?

What, he only had two beers!

Get the aspirin.

OUCH.

Come On Baby, Come On Over

Sure, I could be high, but even if I was not, and I never said that I was, this would still be outrageously excellent for a limitless number of reasons so confusing that.

What?

What was I saying?

I forgot what I was saying.

Ahem.

Is it hot in here?

Cough.

Way to go, Sara and Lang on this bizarre pants pisser. I expected nothing less!

Sweating Your Balls Off?

Of course you are!

I'm too frail for this heat. My hands are up, I'm totally admitting defeat:

I

can't

deal.

Do I have a problem with looking like shit? No. I like camping, I use a hair dryer sparingly in the dead of winter only, I go out "without my face on" on a daily basis. But I can't deal with feeling like shit. If it's cold out, you can always bundle up, wear more layers, run around and get the heart pumping to create some heat. When it's hot like this, and you're wearing nothing or next to nothing, the only thing that could possibly make you cooler would be to remove your skin, muscle tissue and fat so you get down to the skeleton. And apparently this causes death. Or so I'm told.

In short: THIS BITES. Especially so, because the heat will only continue to rise considering that the earth is on fire and the end is near. I'll be checking out on the early side. Too bad I'm going to leave this world for a hotter one. What do they call that place again? I can't remember the name, but it's a terribly hot place where they play Hootie & the Blowfish 24/7---> Eternity and the only thing to do for fun is punch George W. Bush repeatedy in the face. That should pass some time; I can't see that ever getting old.

See? Positive spin.

Tee Many Martoonies

I like to have a martini, two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.

~ Dorothy Parker


Thankfully, only three were consumed.

Passion of the "Christ, My Life Is Fucked!"

Mel, Mel, Mel. Why didn't you stick to being that Mad Max fellow and grow old and quiet instead of having 60 kids because you don't believe in birth control because you're so "religious" and stop buying islands and towns and making shitty creepy movies about Jesus? Maybe now is the time to stop pretending you're Australian when you were actually born in the States and stop acting like such a bigot?

Oh, that's right, you can't do any of these things because you were arrested for drunk driving tonight, got belligerent, sassed some cops, slighted the Jews, and it's all on tape.

Fucked indeed, I hope.

Oh, and I never saw Braveheart either, Mel, so suck it.

Read all about the Mel Gibson "My life is fucked" incident here, and love every minute of it. I know I did.

WTF Photo for Friday

You Love the 80's

My dear friend sent a few of us this trashy link to 80's videos, with a note raving:

I LOVE me some Flock of Seagulls...

(Remember after their show at Rockitz when I gave them a ride to their hotel in my mom's Chrysler because their limo broke down & then I ate pizza in their room with that dude with the hair?!?!?!?)

I don't remember, because I wasn't there unfortunately, but indeed I wish I had been! Anyway, not a huge F.O.S. fan myself, I went straight to Andy Gibb's 1980 Desire video. Terrible song, terrible outfit, it's all totally awesome.

The best part: The video must have been poached from some Scando 'Pop Up Video" show, because the only word I recognized other than Victoria Principal was cocaineverslaving. Oh, and the phrase 30 jaard oud. Sad.

RIP, Andy! We hardly knew ye.

http://www.cocaineverslaving.info/

Phone Phun

My friend Jim, whom I hadn't spoken to in a long time, called me on my cellphone this afternoon. I don't get good reception in my office, so I told him to call me back on my office telephone. Since I'm a temp, nobody in my life outside of the office ever knows my office number. And since nobody in my life outside of the office ever knows my office number, nobody outside of the office ever calls me on it.

So, I gave him the office number.

One second later the phone rang. I picked up with a:

"What's up, ASSWIPE?"

And I heard in response:

"Why am I an asswipe?"

It wasn't Jim.

Luckily for me, it was a fellow temp. But it sooooooo soooooooo soooooooo could have easily been my last day today.

Admittedly, it would have been a funny way to go. I'd be giggling as I packed up my office.

Ha! What's up, asswipe indeed!

Happy Places

Here's a map of the happiest places in the world. Clearly happiness is tied to cash.

I need to get me some cash. Then I promise I'll spread it around to those less fortunate.

Unlike some other people I'm familiar with who don't.

Today's Friday, and you know what that means: Two Tickets for Lotto, Please!

Ebony and Ivory

Are you ever out and you see a really odd couple walking together, like a young skinny white broad dressed in tacky clothes with a big fat tall old black guy in fine duds? And think to yourself, Wow, that couple doesn't have a whole lot in common on the outside, yet, there they are, strolling down the street together...I wonder what their relationship is, how they met, where they're going...and then suddenly one half of the couple pulls ahead of the other half of the couple and then...

You realize that they weren't walking together at all.

Ah, well.

Who Doesn't Love Mosquitoes?

Mosquitoes are great! Man, I love me a mosquito. Can't think of one reason why I don't like them. It's all love when it comes to the lil' fellas. Or should I say, ladies. Sure, they killed a bunch of people in Philly in 1793, but whatevs. Talk to the hand. (I'm bringing that phrase back it was so damn good) Or, talk the bats. Bats also love mosquitoes. Or is it mojitos they like? Tough to say, they're both awesome.

If You Hate the Administration Like I Hate the Administration

Then you'll find solace in this bizarre site featuring your favorite White House a-holes with blow- up doll bodies.

It soothes me. I guess things are just that bad in the world.

Ahhhhhh.

I Saw You Giving Me the Gut Glance, Bitch

Ok, so I'm walking home from work tonight, and for the purposes of this story, I feel it important to tell you that I was wearing a white tank top and a white skirt. White is unforgiving when it comes to hiding figure flaws but it's friggin' hot out here like 99 degrees of humid terribleness and I really don't care. Until I do.

Anyway, so this broad is on her cell phone and is blabbing away walking toward me and she looks at me. Not at my face, but at my gut. My abdomen, if you will, and then she looks at her own and adjusts some shit slightly. Now this all happened very fast but if you're a woman you know exactly what the Up Down is (that's when a broad checks you out quite obviously from head to toe to head again --or--toe to head to toe. Then quickly averts the eyes, taking mental note of it all) but this was a variation on the Up Down as it was just a Gut Glance.

What is the Gut Glance, the term I just created, you ask? It's when some broad checks out your gut and then adjusts her own, meaning only one thing: I have a fat gut and she wants to make sure that hers doesn't look like whatever mine looked like.

Is she saying I'm fat? Only I can say that I'm fat!

I"ll cut that bitch!

I did mention I was wearing all white, correct?

You Can Recline Like a Celebrity

Sure, this joint looks like it sells just a regular old recliner. But is it a regular joint selling a regular old recliner? Please. This is Celebrity Furniture, ok? For celebrities who want to recline. Or people who just want to be celebrities who want to recline. Oh, and they're not called recliners just because you're reclining in them, ok? That is so 70's. They are pieces of Motion Furniture. Because they move.

Look how much fun this couple is having. They are literally floating on air it's so comfortable. He's not even sitting in the motion recliner, but it's so infectiously comfortable that he's getting a contact high just by touching the back of it. And the funnies they're reading? Even funnier, because they're being read whilst reclining in a Celebrity Motion Recliner.

Don't be a nobody, ayite? Get yourself a damn chair.

Hack

Plus, this guy doesn't even look like a murderer. Please.

Pitch In

This throwing things out thing is becoming addictive. Last night I was tossing paperwork out and then a crayon or a pen or a sock or magazine here and there and then <boop> next thing I know I've got Doodlecat in hand and half in the bag -literally- and she's like, "Whoa, like what are you doing, meow?" And I was like, "Oh, sorry."

Attention Men:

How do you know when you're old? It's confusing, right? Because age is just a number. You might have some high digits, but you feel good! How do you know? Well, it's pretty simple math:

When you find yourself in a pair of these.

At this juncture it's more than likely you're also pulling your pants up to your tits and have acquired that old man smell. Might want to look into some ear hair clippers soon. Like, yesterday. Thanks.

PS: Please note, black size 8 medium width is sold out, as is the brown medium and wide widths in size 13. Sorry. Snooze=lose.




Men's Wrangler® Hero® Lace-Up Shoes

Superbly crafted in soft, rich pebble-grain leather, these classic lace-up shoes from Wrangler® Hero® are designed for total comfort. They feature padded collars, cushioned insoles, nylon-foam linings and sure-grip flexible soles. Available in black or brown. Men's whole and half sizes 8-10 1/2, 11, 12, 13; medium or wide widths.

Item 69823 SALE! $19.99.... $12.99
Choose color & size:
Color BLK Size 08 M (Sold Out)
Color BRN Size 13 M (Sold Out)
Color BRN Size 13 W (Sold Out)

What's Better?

What's better than pouring Hydrogen Peroxide on a cut and watching it foam up?

Answer: Nothing!

Too slow, people! Beat you to the punch.

Baby Toe Update

I've been getting thousands of emails wishing me well after my baby toe accident, and I just wanted to say THANK YOU! Progress is being made on the healing front. It's hard to describe the wound, so I've made a little sketch here to help you all visualize so as to properly sympathize:

Baby toe: macerated. Second toe, lightly wounded. Now we've got bandaids goin' on. Unsightly, but on the mend!

To Be Or Not To Be?

My dad's people hail from a part of Pennsylvania fondly known as Pennsyltucky. Technically it's the northern PA that borders New York State, the awesome part. Pennsyltucky goes as far south as State College. A trip to "the big city" for a Pennsyltuckian is either to Buffalo or Pittsburgh. Dig?

Here's a map:

Anyway, my point: Pennsyltuckians do not use the verb "to be" because..because..well, they don't. For example, I'll use some phrases frequently used by my grandparents. Here goes:

1. The rug needs sweeped
2. The engine needs greased
3. The table needs set
4. The raspberries need picked

Try it! It'll save you hours in conversation time! No unnecessary verbs! Also, try substituting "warsh" when you say washing machine or Washington. It's fun!

Popular Searches

Whilst tossing junk last night, I found a printout for some information from Hotmail that I needed for some reason or another. In the bottom right corner, there's a box called Popular Searches. Split into Top 5 Searches and Suggested (by MSN) Searches.

Because you're curious, the Top 5 Searches on 12/6/06 were:

World's Ugliest Dog

Christmas Candy

Ziyi Zhang

Michelle Yeoh

John Lennon

Because you're even curious-er, the Top 5 SUGGESTED Searches on 12/6/06 were:

News: Junk food ads

Images: Scrooge

Heavy backpacks

Unhappy marriage

Mayan women

Um...

Heavy backpacks? Who is suggesting this and why?