Embarrassing But True

I have fallen in love with McDonald's Southwest Chicken Salad.

"What in bloody hell were you doing in a McDonald's?" you ask?

That is a fair question, indeed. It is utter horseshit that I was in there. On purpose. On my own free will. Well, it had a little something to do with the 5+ Hallucinogenic Vodka Lemonade cocktails I enjoyed at Cha Cha's Crabby Hour last Friday at her fine new millinery space in D.U.M.B.O, Brooklyn. Sure, I knew my limits, sent myself home, and didn't barf on the side of my own apartment building like some kids I know, but I did forget about licking a subway car window (I was reminded about that cute antic this morning).

And I forgot about McDonald's --sort of--of until I saw the remnants of the salad in my refrigerator. See, on my walk from the subway station I realized I needed sustenance that only a fast food joint like McDonald's could offer, so I found myself in line ordering a small fries, a Filet-o-Fish, an apple pie (they give you two for some reason), and a Southwest Chicken Salad. Is that a weird friggin' order? You bet it is. I'm a friggin' weirdo.

I ate all the other crap straight from the bag on my 6 block walk, thinking to myself, "If these aren't the most delicious french fries I've ever had in my life then I'm a drunkey uncle." The salad I ate with my bare hands standing over the kitchen counter in the dark. Man, it was delicious. Iceberg lettuce, lime-glazed chicken, roasted corn, black beans, shaved carrots, shredded cheese, mini Dorito-type strip thingies and a wedge of lime.

For 5 beans and approximately 300 calories, you can't go wrong. Just don't use the Paul Newman's tasty Southwest Dressing, which is like 6,000 calories on its own. I just used the squeeze of lime, and that was perfect. Unless you're trying to gain weight, and in that case, use the dressing. Or better yet, get yourself an apple pie or two, a small fries, and a Filet-o-Fish and crumble all that shit on top, yo.