You're a Nasty Woman

EXT. 4/5 SUBWAY STATION- PM RUSH HOUR

An mass of people spills up the stairs of the auxiliary end-of-platform entrance to 4/5. Anne Altman approaches this mass with a "Jesus Christ," and a sigh.

INT. 4/5 SUBWAY STATION

Anne descends the stairs at a snail's pace with another sigh. Others turn around and go back up the stairs with a "Fuck this," but Anne presses on. As she gets closer to the turnstiles, she sees that one (of two) is out of order as is one of two Metrocard machines(explains the line. A tech is fiddling with the Metrocard machine whilst a Transit worker is standing next to the broken turnstile screaming at the top of her tits at the line of people, particularly a man standing off to the side with two dollars in his hand.

TRANSIT WOMAN
This is one of FOUR entrances! Use another entrance! If you don't have a Metrocard, turn around and use another entrance! There are THREE OTHER ENTRANCES! Turn around and use another entrance!

STRAPHANGER #1
(Unintelligable)

TRANSIT WOMAN
I SAID, GO BACK UP THE STAIRS AND USE ANOTHER ENTRANCE WITH A BOOTH ATTENDANT! This is NOT, I repeat, the ONLY ENTRANCE!

STRAPHANGER #1
But I have a broken leg.

ANNE
(looks to see if his leg is broken, can't tell, but he is holding out two dollars pathetically)

STRAPHANGER#2
He said he has a broken leg! YOU'RE A NASTY WOMAN!

TRANSIT WOMAN
This is one of FOUR entrances! Use another entrance! If you don't have a Metrocard, turn around and use another entrance! There are THREE OTHER ENTRANCES! Turn around and use another entrance!

STRAPHANGER#2
Why are you such a nasty woman? Why you gotta be so nasty? You're a nasty woman!

TRANSIT WOMAN
I am just doing my job. I ain't doin nothin' but my job, and there are three other entrances.

STRAPHANGER#2
He says he got a broken leg! Here, man, I got an extra Metrocard (hands Metrocard to Straphanger#1) You nasty woman! Ain't no reason for you to be so nasty!

TRANSIT WOMAN
...

ANNE
(goes through turnstile and approaches platform)

STRAPHANGER#1
(goes through turnstile)

STRAPHANGER#2
(goes through turnstile) NASTY WOMAN! You're A NASTY WOMAN!

TRANSIT WORKER
I am just doing my job.

STRAPHANGER#2
(from other side of turnstile) What's your name and badge number, if you don't mind me askin'?

TRANSIT WORKER
...

ANNE
(walks back down the platform back to the edge to see what's going on)

STRAPHANGER#2
Huh? I asked you, what is your name and badge number if you don't mind me askin'?
Huh? All quiet now, huh? Yeah.

TRANSIT WORKER
...(drifts away from the turnstile and turns her back to STRAPHANGER#2)

STRAPHANGER#2
Thought so. YOU ARE A NASTY WOMAN! No reason to be so nasty! This is America! Nasty woman! (he shakes head with a scowl as he walks down the platform past me)

ANNE
Right on.

Mortified Shoebox Show: New Episode!

New episode. Just launched. If you are a fan of fist fights, Liza Minelli, drama clubs, 8 Is Enough, and shoplifting, this week's episode is for you. The Mortified Shoebox Show

http://getmortified.com/videos

EPISODE: Everyone's a Critic
READER: Will Seymour
PLOT: Seeking refuge from bullies who ridicule his sexuality, a 15- year-old outcast joins the drama club. Only to encounter an even harsher reception. We've done a few pieces from Will's journals over the years (in books & on stage). And like many of his journals, this one broke our heart, stomped on it, and gave it back with a great big hug. We hope it does the same for you. If you like it, please tell your friends. You can also subscribe to our podcast in iTunes:

itpc://mortified.blip.tv/rss/itunes/

And you can Get Mortified all up close and personal:

Mortified: Live in NYC on February 11!

Hosted by Anne Altman

Produced by Anne Altman and Brandy Barber

Comix

9 pm

Tickets on sale now!

My Mental State Via Fisher Price

I'm at a blue right now.

True Story

I want to beat the living fuck out of my vacuum cleaner and throw it out the window.

But then I wouldn't have a vacuum cleaner, so...

I will continue to suffer.

Just wanted to keep you in the loop.

True Story

Idiot: You look different.
Me: What?
Idiot: You look better than usual.
Me: Don't talk to me.

Where Do Babies Come From?

Do you want the truth?

CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH???

Ok, then:

Click here for the True Story of How Babies are Made.

Then click each image to progess.

The True Story of How Babies are Made, by Per Holm Knudsen
Publisher: Chicago, Childrens Press [1973, ©1971]

Found on http://www.planetdan.net/

Wal-Mart Cake

I Liked it Better When It Was the Tourist Fantasy Colony

Harrington Motel

52241/2 Sunset Blvd.

Hollywood 27, California

Phone NOrmandy 6173 (I'll pick up on the first ring)

Name That Live Televised Sport

I saw a sporting event a few weeks ago on t.v. that had the following advertisers:

1. http://www.constructionjobs.com/
2. http://www.geico.com/
3. http://www.gorv.com/
4. http://www.dennys.com/

Name that sport.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLCMMVMC

I Totally Want Mighty Putty

Who Farted?

Tough call.

Brilliant

Airwick Freshsweep Broom

Marketing Guy #1: We gotta move more stickup thingies. Sales are down.
Marketing Guy #2: Down?
Marketing Guy #3: Yeah. People don't just stick up a stick up in a dirty room and call it clean anymore. They're actually cleaning.
Marketing Guy #2: Actually cleaning?
Marketing Guy #3: Hmm. But how well are they cleaning. Frat boys may have graduated from college, but let's face it, they're doing a cursory job.
Marketing Guy#2: Cursory?
Marketing Guy #3: How about we stick a stickup to the end of a broom so they feel like they're doing a great job?
Marketing Guy #2: So...if I guy is using a broom to clean up a pile of puke it smells like flowers?
Marketing Guy #1 & #3: Pretty much.
Marketing Guy #2: Meeting adjourned? Who's hungry for lunch? I'm thinking Quiznos.

Another Great Design By Sans Pantaloons

Sans Pantaloons.

Two Thoughts

1. I bought a $10 box in a Super Bowl pool today. I hope that the winnings won't change me too much. I will most likely hire some broad to clean my house, but I won't go buying planes and stuff.
2. I used a plastic fork today on my salad that was really defective, but I was too busy/lazy/disinterested to get a sturdier version from the pantry, so I used it anyway. It was less a fork and more a stabbing instrument.

Mortified Makes Yahoo: People of the Web

Yahoooooo!!!

Read Yahoo: People of the Web's "The Worst of Times" by Kevin Sites here.

Intrigued?

Wanna see it live?

Gonna be in NYC?

Perfect!

Get Ready to Get Mortified!

Catch MORTIFIED in NYC on February 11, 2008.

9 pm @ Comix

Click here to buy tickets now (recommended~show sells out!)

ADVANCE TICKETS - $15 / DAY OF SHOW TICKETS - $20

Mary-Kate Olsen's Thought Process in Flow Chart Form

The cover of Thursday's New York Post asked, "Why, Mary-Kate, Why?" Presumably (I didn't read it) asking why she didn't immediately call 911. Here's why.



Submitted via email forward. Yay! Click to enlarge.

from fodey.com

Breaking News

from fodey.com

Phabulous Photo Phor Phriday!

A woman and her dog in the Harlem section. May 1943. Photograph by Gordon Parks.
From shorpy.com

4 Ugly Sisters

Sister #1: You're ugly.
Sister #2: So are you.
Sister #3: Don't call me ugly, you ugly beeyatch.
Sister #4: Who you callin' ugly? I will fuckin' house you.

Red Hot

Clearly This Must Be My Motivation

If You Can't Do It For Yourself, Do It For God, Goddammit

• Lose weight: God thinks you look fat in that.
• Stop smoking: "Satan is behind it," says God.
• Shave your head: For God's sake.

Three Words for Daniel Day Lewis in "There Will Be Blood": A, MA, ZING

Holy shit this movie was good. Daniel Day Lewis IS Daniel Plainview in this flick. He embraces this role I can't describe how mesmerizing his performance was, so read this review instead by Carla Meyer for the Sacramento Bee--she pretty much nails it.

Go see "There Will Be Blood," or there will be blood, ayite. For reals.

So Many People Expiring So Little Time to Post About It

Evil Knievel 1938-2007

Suzanne Pleshette 1937-2008

Heath Ledger 1979-2008

Just in Time For 2009: The 2008 Doodle Cat Calendar!

Back by popular demand:

The 2008 Doodle Cat Custom Oversized Wall Calendar is Here!

Who needs January anyway? You know you've already blown your '08 resolutions, start fresh in February with this image:

You know you want one. If you don't, perhaps you know a crazy motherf*cker who needs one?

Sure you do.

Order your 2008 Doodle Cat Calendar today right here.

Have I Told You Lately How Much I Love Stephen Sondheim?

Johnny Depp as Sweeney Todd

Sondheim is a genius.

I realize this word, genius, is abused and overused, but I only say it once in awhile, mostly when talking about Abraham Lincoln or the person who invented pizza (is pizza delicious or what?), so clearly, you should trust me.

I was introduced to Sondheim's magic back when my sister had a role in Sondheim's Company, which is such an amazing show that I still find myself singing some of the songs ten years later. This weekend I saw his Sweeney Todd, Demon Barber of Fleet Street on the silver screen and I urge you to see it. You need 4 more reasons to see it other than Stephen Sondheim's great music and hilarious lyrics?

1. Tim Burton
2. Johnny Depp
3. Helena Bonham Carter
4. Sacha Baron Cohen

Fantastic.

Mortified's Online Debut: The Mortified Shoebox Show!

The Mortified Shoebox Show is a 100% independent production, and we hope you'll be as proud of the results as we are. Most of all, we are excited for you to see all the episodes we have on deck... and hope you will stay tuned as the series evolves. Thanks to everyone who contributed to making this a unique viewing experience.

Check out this week's episode, Melissa's Page of Rage, excerpts from Melissa Wolfe's teen notebooks as animated by Andrew Covell:

// The Mortified Shoebox Show //


ABOUT MORTIFIED:

Ripped from the pages of real life... Mortified is a comic excavation of adolescent artifacts-- old letters, lyrics, journals, poems, home movies, stories and more. Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, Weekly, Esquire, Jane, Daily Candy and more... Mortified celebrates ordinary people and the extraordinary things they created as kids. There are amazing stories buried in the pages of people's lives. Our mission is to simply help find them. The largest and longest-running project of its kind, Mortified produces stage shows, books, and web content. Our latest book, the romantically challenged Mortified: Love Is a Battlefield can be found in stores that are notably awesome. Share the shame at getmortified.com.

MORTIFIED's next show in NYC: February 11 at Comix! Hosted by me, Anne Altman! Tickets on sale now! I love exclamation points when I'm trying to make a point!

New: UCBComedy.com

The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater just launched their online medium: UCBComedy.com.

Here's a little video I enjoyed:



CAST
Directors:
Jason Woliner
Aziz Ansari
Starring:
Paul Scheer
Rob Huebel

eHarmony: You Need to Cut the Shit

The latest eHarmony commercials are getting a little heavy handed here in my opinion. Yes, we understand, condescending little white haired man, that you're trying to find love for those of us who have yet to find it with that "other dating service" and that you're matching people on "29 dimensions of compatibility" with your "free personality profile" and blah blah motherfucking blah, so it's like, way better than everything else out there, according to you. You might be right, you might be wrong. I believe that's hard to prove.



I can prove, however, that your new campaign is a crock. In these latest commercials, you've dragged together in front of a white screen endless couples and edit them together repeating the line, "What do I love about him/her? EVERYTHING! THERE'S NOTHING I DON'T LOVE ABOUT ___/___. I love everything about him/her..."

Oh, really Melinda? You love everything. Everything about Jack. Every. Thing. Well, why don't you answer me this?

Would you smear Jack's poop on your face for a fragrant, hydrating mud mask?

Didn't think so.

Big Bird: Still Under Suspicion

I got my sister the first year of Sesame Street (1969) on DVD for Christmas. She called me this morning.


Whipcreamy: So we watched another epsidode of Sesame Street the other night.

Me: Oh, yeah? Which one.

Whipcreamy: It's the one where they introduce Snufalupagus--and he looks nothing like the regular Snuffy--this one has crazy eyes and stuff, anyway, at this point nobody else can see Snuffy he's still Big Bird's imaginary friend. So Snuffy has a conversation with him and then he turns around and nobody else sees Snuffy.

Me: Wait, did you just say he?

Whipcreamy: Ha ha ha ha! Yeah.

Me: Big Bird's a boy? You can't assume Big Bird's a boy! I thought they left him unisex to be all PC and open minded about people's sexuality or something. They don't call him "he" in the show do they?

Whipcreamy: No, I think Big Bird's a boy.

Me: How do you know?

Whipcreamy: Because in Big Bird Goes to China he wears a tie.

Me: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Whipcreamy: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Me: You know who else wears a tie?

Whipcreamy: Who?

Me: k.d. lang

Whipcreamy: Ha ha ha ha!

Me: So they just decided Big Bird's sexuality all of a sudden? When did Big Bird Goes to China come out, like ten years ago?

Whipcreamy: 1984.

Me: Oh.

From Evil Cat Land: A New Music Video

Pachelbel's Kanon

Fantastic!

For a Good Cause

Click here please.

Junior High School Science Class Comin' in Handy

I used the word "turgid" in a conversation the other day. Entirely seriously. When discussing with a colleauge just how soft the radishes were on the crudite platter:

"Yeah, they're bad. But with a few cuts of the knife on the bottom here, toss 'em into a bowl of water and keep 'em in the fridge a few hours? Totally turgid again and good as new."

"What? Turgid?"

"Fuck off."

Library of Congress Releases Photos on Flickr

"Mrs. Bill Stagg with state quilt that she made, Pie Town, New Mexico. A community settled by about 200 migrant Texas and Oklahoma farmers who filed homestead claims ... Mrs. Stagg helps her husband in the field with plowing planting, weeding corn and harvesting beans. She quilts while she rests during the noon hour. 1940~ October"

For a great article on Pie Town and photographer Lee Russell in Smithsonian Magazine, click here. To peruse the Library of Congress Collection on Flickr, click here.

Let's Play a Game: Blow Slut with Lindsay Lohan

Try and see if you can give her the key for a few bumps on the dance floor.
Good times. From stashwax!

From Shorpy.com

July, 1939. Gordonton, N.C. "Country store on dirt road. Sunday afternoon. Note kerosene pump on the right and the gasoline pump on the left. Rough, unfinished timber posts have been used as supports for porch roof. Negro men sitting on the porch. Brother of store owner stands in doorway." 4x5 nitrate negative by Dorothea Lange for the Farm Security Administration

Anne's Underrated Movie Pick of the Week: The Landlord

I caught this on Turner Classic Movies the other night, and it was terrific. "The Landlord," (1970) stars a young and adorable Beau Bridges as a snooty pants rich white kid who buys a tenement in the black neighborhood of Park Slope, Brooklyn (which was at that time considered the ghetto--fat chance buying a building there these days) with the intention of kicking out the tenants and renovating it as a chic bachelor pad for himself. Let's just say that his plan doesn't work out, and he finds himself (and love) in the process. I laughed and cried during this movie which highlights important themes still relevant today. Directed by Hal Ashby.

Some Say Pop Some Say Soda I Say Artificial Deliciousness

Artificial Deliciousness

Connecticut ~ April, '07

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLMMCMVVM

7 Random or Weird Things About Me

I got tagged by micgar for this 7 Weird Things About Me Thing weeks ago, and I'm late to the party with it, but I'm happy to participate.


The rules: Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog, tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.






1. I love Tang.




2. I hate checkers.




3. I live in NYC, and yet I have an enormous distaste for people, especially crowds of people, and go far out of my way to avoid them. It is challenging.




4. Many people don't know this, but it's true: my grandmother was way better than your grandmother.




5. I have an extremely low tolerance for foul breath.




6. I am fascinated with QVC programming and watch it to an uncomfortable degree not because I am too drunk to find the remote but of my own free will. In other words, I don't go deliberately choosing the channel, but if I'm flipping around, I'm not only gonna stay awhile, I'm gonna "last channel" that shit during repeats of Real Housewives of Orange County*.



7. I put green grapes in my grape nuts and ice cubes in the milk if it isn't cold enough (my grandmother thought that was way weird).





Ok, so if you're so inclined--and forgive me if you've already been tagged--:



newbluebaby

teri

mattsearsforever

nina paley

sanspantaloons

piglet

glittergirl


....you're it.


*More excellent terrible is on the way...Real Housewives of New York City coming soon! ! !

Mitt Romney in 3 Words: Makes Me Uncomfortable

Cut out the flag in the back and you've got Mitt Romney, Funeral Director. The dude is mega creepy.

Kick Ass Broad of the Week: Edna St. Vincent Millay

My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light.

Edna St. Vincent Millay, "A Few Figs from Thistles", 1920US poet (1892 - 1950)

Read more about Edna's interesting life and tragic death here.

Unbreakable

Supercombs @ Willey's Store, Greensboro, VT

August, 2007

Ain't You Never Seen Two People in Love Before?

Toofy

New movie about every (straight) man's nightmare.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLCMMVMCMV

Key Lime Pie Martini Cocktail

I had a few of these delicious and refreshing girly cocktails last night, and I'd like to share the recipe with my dear, dear alcoholic readers. They're delicious because without the pineapple juice, they're tart and not too sweet. I liked it with a few extra squeezes of fresh lime.

1.5 ounces vanilla vodka
1.5 ounces coconut rum
.5 ounces lime juice
1 lime wedge
1 aluminum cocktail shaker
1 martini glass
optional: splash of pineapple juice, one crushed graham cracker (to rim martini glass)


Instructions:

• Fill martini glass with ice. Add water. Let the glass chill while you do the following:
• Pour the vanilla vodka, coconut rum (optional pineapple juice) and lime juice into the cocktail shaker and give it a few heavy handed shaky shaky shakes.
• Empty the ice and water from the martini glass and run the lime slice around the rim. Next, for optional effect: crush the graham cracker into fine crumbs, and rim the glass by spinning it 'round in a plate of the crumbs.
• Pour contents of the shaker into glass (without touching the sides and ruining your fine rim work). Slice lime wedge in the center and hang on edge of glass.
• Enjoy!

Phabulous Photo Phor Phriday!

One of Doodle's great great grand meows.

Audio Ostrich

Dear Fella Whom I am Crammed Up Against on This Jammed Subway Train,

Just because you're wearing your headphones and zoning out in your own musical world doesn't mean that I can't see you pick, roll, and flick that booger down on the subway floor near my feet.

Gross,

Anne

What a Wicked Good Cookie!!!

For realsies. Mmm. Order these for someone special in your life today. If that's not me, so be it.

Look Who Came to New Years Day Breakfast

New Year's Day 2008~ Bethany, CT

Name That Gathering

I Took a Life Today

That's right. I killed a fruit fly. On my desk. With a colleague's business card.

I actually thought about it first, it had flipped on it's back and was struggling for a second, so I had to work quickly. "Do I get this thing by smashing it, or do I let it survive and annoy me?" I asked myself.

I chose murder.

Kitty Wigs!!!!!!!!!

When I stop bleeding from trying to put Doodle's June look together in 2007 (above), I'm thinking about investing in Kitty Wigs! (below)

(Not before I invest in a little chain maille, however...)


Chicken. In pink.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLVVVMVM

Dear Newlywed Groom,

What makes you think your wife won't be faithful? I'm sure your marriage will be just fine. Love,
Anne

Someone at the Post Office Needs a Little Qi Gong, Yo

I walked into some sort of shitstorm last week at my local post office. It went something like this.



FADE IN

INT. POST OFFICE DAY

Anne walks up to the stamp machine and begins the exciting and antiquated process of buying stamps. Out of the corner of her eye she spies a late twenty something early thirty something dude with a large package which he is taping at the counter. A female postal employee has apparently just offered him some assistance.

DUDE: I SAID I DON'T NEED ANY HELP.



MS. POSTAL EMPLOYEE: Fine. (exasperated, walks away, shrugs shoulders and mumbles something to the effect of "Suit yourself, a-hole")



DUDE: (goes back to taping and leaves the main room of the post office for the vestibule where the self-serve Priority Mail Box bin is and tries to open the bin)



clank! clank! clank! clank! clank! clank! clank!



DUDE: (sigh)



CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK!



DUDE: (louder sigh)



CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! CLANK!



DUDE: (WICKED LOUD SIGH)



VOICE BEHIND POSTAL BIN INSIDE POST OFFICE: Yes?



DUDE: (through bin wall) Is this broken? I just used it a minute ago!



MS. POSTAL EMPLOYEE: Oh, that's the dude who just said he didn't need any help. (to Voice behind bin wall)



DUDE: Hello?



CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK!



VOICE BEHIND POSTAL BIN INSIDE POST OFFICE: No, it's not broken. Stop touching it.



DUDE: Ok! I'm not touching it. (waits)



MS. POSTAL WORKER (to Voice Behind Bin Wall): Oh, yeah. Doesn't need any help, that one.



DUDE: ... (waiting for response and/or bin to open)



DUDE: ...(still waiting, with box balanced against knee and wall underneath the bin)



VOICE BEHIND BIN: ...



DUDE: (leaves).



MS. POSTAL WORKER: He left! (laughs to Voice Behind Bin). Didn't need any help.



ANNE: (laughs, collects $8 bucks worth of stamps --and $12 in dollar coins-- and leaves, satisfied that she wasn't the one pissing off a postal employee)



FADE OUT.

What's Up at Houseplant Picture Studio Today?

The usual fabulous mania, but today, a very special cover of Van Halen's Running with the Devil by an artist I can't seem to identify. Ken? It's always worth a click over at Houseplant. Volume up!

Blue Man Ooops

NOW:
Then:

Mmmmm. Silver cocktails.

Drink responsibly.

Happy Steven Seagal and Panda Monday, Y'all

Its Chili Season! An Altman Family Recipe

My sister Whipcreamy and I grew up on this chili, and love it to this day. Since we don't know which cookbook it originated from (we basically make it by heart these days), Mom Altman is getting credit here. I made a double batch using ground turkey this weekend and the double is perfect for sharing and/or freezing. Serves approximately twelve regular sized peeps, 6 super-sized fatty bumbalattys. For a single recipe, cut everything in half (math class comin' in handy, yo.) ok? Ok. Let's go.

Mom's Chili (Double Recipe)

• 2lbs ground beef or turkey (84% lean beef or 90% lean turkey)
• 2 cups chopped onion (more or less depending on taste, I like more)
• 1.5 cup chopped green peppers (or two large peppers---this is just a guide)
• 2 one lb cans whole tomatoes
• 2 one lb cans dark red kidney beans
• 2 eight oz cans tomato sauce
• 2 tsp salt
• 2 bay leaves
• 1/3 cup chili powder
• optional: 1/2 teaspoon sugar (to reduce the acidity of the tomatoes)
• optional: two fresh or jarred whole finely chopped jalepeno peppers (for spicy)

Directions:

Chop vegetables (not too small). Use a big skillet (or a few) to brown the meat with onions and green peppers. When it's lightly browned, transfer to large stew pot. Add remaining ingredients to the pot (first drain the beans of water) and crush the tomatoes with a wooden spoon to break 'em up. Simmer covered 1-2 hours. Serve with grated cheese and ground black pepper and a few more jalepenos (if you're not on Prilosec) and enjoy. Always seems better the second day.

Yay!

Hospitality Anne

From sans pantaloons.

Nothin' But Hospitality

Niagara Falls, NY ~ December 27, 2007

Save the Mortifying Date: February 11!

Mortified has its Comix debut!

Details to follow...

And Now For Martha Stewart Living's Most Requested Recipe

MACARONI & CHEESE 101

8 T (1 stick) unsalted butter, plus more for casserole

6 slices good white bread, crusts removed, torn into ¼ to ½-inch pieces

5½ C milk

½ C all-purpose flour

2 tsp salt, plus more for water

¼ tsp freshly grated nutmeg

¼ tsp freshly ground black pepper¼ tsp cayenne pepper

4½ C (about 18 oz) grated sharp white cheddar cheese

2 C (about 8 oz) grated Gruyère cheese or 1¼ C (about 5 oz) grated Pecorino Romano cheese

1 lb elbow macaroni

Preheat oven to 375°F. Butter a 3-quart casserole dish; set aside. Melt 2 T of butter and pour over bread in a medium bowl; toss. Set bread crumbs aside. Warm milk in saucepan over medium heat. Melt remaining butter in high-sided skillet over medium heat. When butter bubbles, add flour. Cook, stirring, 1 minute.

Whisk flour mixture constantly, while adding hot milk a little at a time. Continue cooking and whisking until mixture bubbles and thickens, 8 to 12 minutes. Remove pan from heat.
Stir in salt, nutmeg, peppers, 3 C cheddar cheese and 1½ C Gruyère cheese (or 1 C Pecorino Romano cheese). Set cheese sauce aside.

Cook macaroni in large pot of boiling salted water until outside of pasta is cooked and inside is underdone, 2 to 3 minutes. Drain macaroni under cold running water.
Stir macaroni into cheese sauce and pour mixture into buttered casserole dish. Sprinkle remaining cheeses and bread crumbs over top. Bake until golden, about 30 minutes.

Transfer disk to wire rack for 5 minutes Serves 12.

Note: For lots of crust, bake in a broad, shallow casserole dish. Recipe divides easily in half (use a 1½-quart casserole dish).

Source: Martha Stewart Living

New Year's Resolution Poem

Stop smoking and drinking and being a total lazy fatass jerk!

But guess what, yo?

Resolutions never work!

So, I've chosen another route in 2008.


And that route is Qi Gong with Qi Gong Master Lee Holden.










WTF??


What is Qi Gong and who the hell is Lee Holden, you ask?


I'll explain. Qi Gong is that crazy stuff you seeing groups of Asians doing in public spaces here in Manhattan and well, Asia, probably. To me it all looked like horseshit, so I was intrigued. Horseshit intrigues me. Then one day I was sitting on my sofa like a fatass, per usual, and spied a PBS special with a dorky guy doing Qi Gong and hocking his DVDs during a PBS membership drive. PBS intrigues me. So I got up off of the sofa and did a few moves with Lee and instantly felt better, totally buying into the hype and instead of calling the number right then and there, went online later to purchase his crap.

That was approximately two weeks ago, and ever since I've been doing Lee's Seven Minutes of Magic AM and PM exercises in the comfort of my own living room and digging it. You see, Qi Gong energizes and relaxes the body and mind at the same time.






Gay.


But I'm here, I'm queer, so get used to it!


I've found that Lee's got a point. You see, at the end of each 7 Minutes of Magic you do a little move called "Bamboo in the Wind" and you stand there like, well, a bamboo in the wind, and your eyes are closed and Lee asks you how you'd like your day to unfold. I usually don't think much past the subway ride, wishing that it goes smoothly and that I don't feel the urge to punch anyone in the beanbag (or as few people as possible), and I've gotta say, I've not wanted to punch people in the beanbag for two days. BELIEVE IT?





Changed woman? You decide.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVMVCCCMVM

After the butterfly emerges from its chrysalis, it is expected to live about two days. Provided its not eaten by a spider, wasp, or bird, then it's one day. Bye!