Monday, March 31, 2008

We're Talkin' Magic 8 Ball

Ask the Magic 8 Ball all that stuff you've been losing sleep over. But you should know that if you ask it "Will I marry Glenn?" it'll say, "Yes, definitely" and if you then ask, "Will I Marry Billy?" it'll say, "Outlook good," so... the whole thing ultimately probably shouldn't be relied on as a life compass.

But...you might wanna go ahead and start practicing "Meet my husband Glenn" and "Meet my husband Billy" just in case. Can't hurt, can it? Sure it can't. Any day now. Aaaaany day. OK. Good luck with that.

From whipcreamy!

We're Talkin' Baseball

1924. Boys and bats. Washington, D.C., National Photo Co.
www.shorpy.com

MORTIFIED? Of Course You Are!

Monday, April 7, 2008
8:00 PM

Comix
353 West 14th StreetNew York, New York 10014

Ripped from the pages of real life, Mortified is a comic excavation of adolescent artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. Watch it live on the Comix stage on April 7.

Co-produced in New York by Brandy Barber & Anne Altman, Mortified has been hailed as a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Entertainment Weekly, Esquire, Jane, Daily Candy and more. The project collects childhood creations and uses them to reveal uniquely autobiographical tales. There are a million stories buried in the pages of ordinary people's lives. Their mission is to simply help find them. Where can you hear grown men and women confront their past with firsthand tales of their... first kiss, first puff, worst prom, fights with mom, life at bible camp, worst hand job, best mall job, and everything in between? Only at Mortified and only at Comix!

MON, April 7 @ 8:00 PM
Comix
353 West 14th St.
Tickets are $15 in advance and $20 day-of-show plus a two item minimum in showroom can be purchased at www.comixny.com or by calling 212.524.2500.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Friday, March 28, 2008




Hot Doggin' it Home

Weiner Dog, NYC, March 27, 2008

The Haymarket by John Sloan, 1907


"The Haymarket was among the most notorious underworld establishments of the Gilded Age New York. Located on Sixth Avenue between Twenty-ninth and Thirtieth Streets, the concert hall was described as a 'marketplace for wholesale prostitution.' Originally a playhouse called the Argyle Rooms in the 1870's, the Haymarket was converted into a dance hall in 1878 and remained in business until 1913. Critics remarked that its nighttime facade was as brightly lit as a Broadway theater and reflected 'the licentious life of the avenue.' On and around the dance floor, women smoked, drank, and accosted patrons to 'treat' them. In 1907, the Ashcan school artist John Sloan immortalized the establishement in one of his pantings."
-from an excerpt in A Pickpocket's Tale: the Underworld of Nineteenth-Century New York by Timothy J. Gilfoyle

Devil Says What

November, 1938. "Radiator cap. Laurel, Mississippi."
35mm nitrate negative by Russell Lee for the Farm Security Administration.

TWO CAN ANNE: Most Popular Brand on Earth

check out this and other amazing never-used/new old stock billboards for sale at


Thursday, March 27, 2008

RIP, Egg McMuffin Man

Peaceful Rest for Weary Travelers

I'll be at Circles tonight through Tuesday. Meet me at Christi Ann's.
Circles' Motel

The Allman Brothers Beacon Theater Run Cancelled

Due to a pesky little thing called Hepatitis C. Get well soon, Gregg.

Man, am I bummed. I was so looking forward to it this year.

Newbluebaby just delivered the disappointing news by forwarding me the following:

From Billboard.com
Ray Waddell, Nashville

"The Allman Brothers Band announced today that they are postponing their
annual run of 15 shows at New York City's Beacon Theatre set for May
5-24, with rescheduled dates TBA. In addition, they have also cancelled
their upcoming performances at the Wanee Festival that they host every
year in Florida (set for April 11-12, Wanee will continue as planned
despite the fact that the Allman Brothers Band will not be appearing).
For the past six months, founding member Gregg Allman has been receiving
scheduled treatments for Hepatitis C, a virus that, with these
treatments, has become curable in recent years. The treatments so far
have been successful and the virus has been eradicated from his system.

However, the recovery time from the side effects of the treatment are
taking longer than originally projected. Since the Allman Brothers Band
are known for exhilarating and exhausting concert performances they
don't want to give fans anything less than they have come to expect; so
the band members made a group decision to delay the first round of
dates. "I'm getting better but I'm still tired," says Gregg. "I need to
be at 110% to do the shows the way we do them.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate the support and understanding my
Brothers and our fans have given me."

The Wanee Festival featuring Gov't Mule, Bob Weir & Ratdog, Derek Trucks
and Susan Tedeschi's Soul Stew Revival, moe., Levon Helm and others will
indeed take place April 11-12 in Live Oak, FL, despite the Brothers'
cancellation. As for other Allman Brothers Band dates, a 12-concert
jaunt planned for August, including two that have been announced so far
(8/16 in Boston, MA and 8/23 in Camden, NJ), will go on as scheduled.
The rescheduling of the Beacon Theatre run and additional fall shows
will be announced soon.
Gregg and the Allman Brothers Band appreciate the ongoing support they
have always received from their fans and look forward to seeing them
this summer. The road goes on forever..."
.
.
.

Sigh.

Rats

If a company hires non-union workers in NYC, oftentimes the union workers will put one of these blow up rats outside the building in protest. The rats run on loud generators and they make me laugh. Labor dispute: not funny (I just read Meet You in Hell, afterall). Blow up rats: funny. This little guy was sitting right outside of Dunkin' Donuts; the building right next door is under construction.






NYC, 34th Street @ Park Avenue ~ 3/27/08

Scenes From a Life

This is a subway advertisement for Mega 97.9 promoting their new contest. I'm told that "vacimillon" translates loosely into "Play around for a million dollars."
It makes my eyes bleed.
One man has cash in his ears, one man cash in his mouth, and I have blood in my eyes.

Who has bloody eyes? I do.


Last night I attended my first ever Fantasy Baseball League Draft Night. As you can see, the only difference between Fantasy Baseball League Draft Night and an average day at the office in the field of insurance (bloated white married men working with spreadsheets) is the beer.

Beer good.

I Will Go Back in Time, I Will Go to Princeton


And this man will be my boyfriend.

Brown of Princeton University, circa 1915-1920, G.G. Bain Collection

from shorpy.com


***CLICK ON IMAGE FOR MAXIMUM HEATNESS EFFECT***
Then, step off. He's mine!

*If I can't go to Princeton because its 1915, and I'm a girl, I will loiter around on campus and stalk him like a wild animal until he submits. Thank you.

pOUR iT oN mE aLREADY!



pOUR sOME sUGAR oN mE, dEF lEPPARD, 1987

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dream Jobs

The following dream job was actually described to me by a real person:

"I'm so overwhelmed with the amount of work on this desk that I wish could just leave here and start somewhere new. At another insurance company. That's my dream job."

What Recession? I'm Moving, Suckers!


Some of you may have heard that because of my incredible and lucrative career, the strong U.S. dollar, amazing investments I've made over the years, and a sudden windfall of cash (don't ask me to elaborate) I am moving. Onward and upward to Park Avenue, that is--to a deluxe apartment in the sky! As you can see, there are two types of apartments--but I've chosen the Duplex (14 rooms and 4 baths); I think it suits my and Doodle's needs best. Yes, my new residence is glamourous, but moving never is; wish me luck!
Estimated move date: May 15, 1912

Not Sure If I Felt American or Girlish at American Girl Place


Anne (a little frazzled) at American Girl Place, 3/22/08


It wasn't until I was engulfed by the throngs of women, children and their dolls at American Girl Place on Saturday did I fully understand why Mom and Dad never wanted to spend much time at Disney World's Magic Kingdom. It seemed like every time the we had just exited the Pirates of the Carribean ride ready for the second go round, Dad would burst our bubble with, "We're going to Epcot. You love Epcot." Which was code word for "Germany" and Germany was code for "booze"--and in other words, "We're going the place where Mom and Dad can get adult beverages which make us want to beat the piss out of you... less."

Needless to say, American Girl Place has figured out--girls and dolls and booze do mix. Thankfully, adult beverages are on the menu at their Cafe, and a terrific time was had by all. A fanstastic photo montage will follow at some point about my afternoon at American Girl Place with a wonderful little girl who just turned 7. Hurray for turning 7! Hooray for booze! Hooray!
Greensboro, VT
August, 2007

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Breaking News! McDonald's Southwest Chicken Salad is Back!

My colleague just came back from McDonald's. Naturally, I asked her, "WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THE BAG, FATTY?" Then I saw that it was a salad bag. "A salad? Nice!"

"And these," she said, gesturing with the french fries she was cramming in her mouth.

"What kind of salad did you get?"

"Guess."

"Bacon Ranch? Please tell me you didn't get Bacon Ranch. It's like 5,000 calories."

"Nope. I don't eat bacon much."

"Asian Chicken Salad?"

"Nope."

"Ceasar Salad? Regular Salad?"

"Nope. You know, your salad. The Southwest Chicken Salad."

"My salad? You mean it's back? No way." I tore open the bag to see it with my own eyes. It's back! It's back! IT'S BACKKKKKKKKKK!

I suppose you know what I'm having for lunch tomorrow.

What I'm Reading Right Now: A Pickpocket's Tale





by

Timothy J. Gilfoyle


And I got it at my local liberry, y'all. Fo' shizzle. Super easy too--you just go to your library's website, pick out a book you want, and reserve it. If it's out or at another branch, they'll mail you a ticket when the book comes in. Or, you can just use the old fashioned telephone machine and call them up to check.
Anne in '08 ain't buyin' no more books. She will, however, accept them as gifts.
January 23, 1917. Boston, Massachusetts.
"G. Leahy, 1249 Cambridge Street. Messenger for Metropolitan Messenger and Mailing Co., 67 Bromfield Street. Said 14 years old. Gets $5 a week wages, and makes $2.50 a week in tips. Taken at 3:15 p.m. on Tremont Street." Photograph by Lewis Wickes Hine.
Comment submitted by anonymoustipster: $7.50 a week was good money for a 14-year old in 1917 and probably more than many adults earned. Today it would be equivalent to about $125 according to the Federal Reserve Consumer Price Index calculator for the comparative value of a dollar. This boy was probably proud to be able to help his family financially.

Right, There's Such a Thing as Raisin Life

Monday, March 24, 2008

You Know How Doodle Feels About NYC Traffic Congestion Pricing

Doodle ~ March 23, 2008
You know she is all for that shiz! Damned people and their damned cars. Stop honkin' your stinkin' horns on Lexington Avenue, yo. People live here. PEOPLE LIVE HERE!

Message in a Bottle

No, not the horrible movie starring Kevin Costner, Robyn Wright Penn, and Paul Newman that was playing on our flight back from Ireland ten years ago which my Mom, sister and I understandably hated but my Dad totally liked (was there a lot of female nudity in it? Can't remember), I'm talkin' about this--this is a real message in a bottle story!

Mr. Picassohead

Click here for my self portrait.

Make your own!

Just Have a Ninja to Say It For You

Ninja!

fodey.com

Happy National Cleaning Week!


I bought a new vacuum cleaner for the occasion! Feng Shui suggests that to throw out 9 things a day. You, however, might want to start with 90. Here's an article by some twat to tell you how to get started on your Spring Cleaning. Good luck.

Drew Peterson, You're Lonely?

You miss your wife? Perhaps then, a great idea might have been--and I'm just throwing this out there, Drew--I don't know, not killing her? Because that's what happens, see, when you kill* someone, they go bye bye and they're not around anymore, ever. Remember what happened when you killed your second wife? She totally didn't come back, did she? Well, technically, I guess she did come back, to your chagrin, man, how awkward was that for you when they unearthed her grave to perform the autopsy that ruled her death a homicide, right? And then there's your first wife. You probably got lonely when she "went away" too. But you don't understand how it works, so let me break it down a little further.

Let's say two people are in a room, so we'll start the equation with 2. And then one person kills the other person, ok? 2 minus 1= 1 person in the room. The other "person," (the non-responsive one on the floor in pool of blood) is a now called a corpse, and I know you're familiar with getting rid of those pesky things. Do corpses run off with other men? Sure --its usually other men running off with corpses-- but the relationship usually doesn't last too long unless there is some sort of high tech refrigeration employed. So...um...yeah.


*Feel free to substitute "kill" for "allegedly kill" if you are Drew Peterson

4,000 U.S. Soldiers Fallen in Iraq and...Wait, Jericho's Been Cancelled?

Jericho!?!?!? Not Jericho!!! Oh, no! Jerichooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!* I don't even understand this senseless loss. It's incomprehensible! Perhaps the White House can explain why it was a good idea, in a way that I can understand, you know, perhaps by yelling at me and reminding me what a successful endeavor cancelling Jericho will be and that the sacrifice was well worth the effort.



*What the fuck was Jericho?

Easter Ham

This is what I would look like with butt implants. I'm considering it.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

See Me in Mortified NYC on April 7


Mortified– The Most Painfully Honest Show Around!

Monday, April 7, 2008
8:00 PM
Comix
353 West 14th Street, New York, New York 10014


Ripped from the pages of real life, Mortified is a comic excavation of adolescent artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. Watch it live on the Comix stage on April 7.

Co-produced in New York by Brandy Barber & Anne Altman, Mortified has been hailed as a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Entertainment Weekly, Esquire, Jane, Daily Candy and more. The project collects childhood creations and uses them to reveal uniquely autobiographical tales. There are a million stories buried in the pages of ordinary people's lives. Their mission is to simply help find them. Where can you hear grown men and women confront their past with firsthand tales of their... first kiss, first puff, worst prom, fights with mom, life at bible camp, worst hand job, best mall job, and everything in between? Only at Mortified and only at Comix!

MON, April 7 @ 8:00 PM

Comix

353 West 14th St.

Tickets are $15 in advance and $20 day-of-show (plus a two item minimum in showroom)

Get tickets at www.comixny.com or by calling 212.524.2500.

Happy Easter

Love,
Anne and Doodle

Let's Play a Game: Rare Emerald, Fresh Relish, or Boog?

To Whipcreamy

To Dad

The Faces: Baby, I'm Amazed, Yo!

To Mom

Did Elvis Just Tell You to Shove it Up Your Nose?



Yes he did! Believe it: Elvis just told you to "shove it up your nose!" at :51 seconds. I thought this version of "Suspicious Minds" sounded high on cocaine. Seriously, man, can we get an EKG please? Is Elvis is fuckin' awesome, or what? Yes, he's fuckin' awesome; in whatever shape, peanut butter and banana bacon whatevs, the man was awesome. Make no dizzouts about it; I'd totally be shaking my fat ass off at that show and making out with him in the front row. I'm caught in a trap, yo! I can't fuckin' walk out! He's never lied to me! No, no! For reals!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

UP-TOWN SUBWAY


Fulton Street Uptown 4, 5. John Street Entrance. February 12, 2008
NYC

I'm Beautifully Broken if I Don't Say So Myself

People Are Never Going to Stand Clear of the Closing Doors

I think it's time for a little qi gong, folks. I've gotten off track. Plus, this afternoon, I am going to American Girl Place. If you don't know what American Girl Place is, then you don't know any little rich white girls who have an American Girl Doll or poor little other color girls who want an American Girl Doll. Essentially, American Girl Doll is the upper scale, modern version of Cabbage Patch doll mania, but larger and more expensive and comes with more provenance--ie: they come in all flavors of America's melting pot and are accompanied by a story of that heritage, but most importantly, they have an entire store dedicated to the crap your parents can buy you to go with the doll including clothes, hairstyling, and last but not least, a tea party which I am attending this afternoon with a very special young lady, her doll, and grownup people.

I better do some qi gong now.

Friday, March 21, 2008


Who Doesn't Love an Email Forward?

Ultimate Peep Show.

Kick Ass Shoe of the Day

The Sperry Top-Sider.
I wore these classic kicks when I was a wee lass. I took sailing lessons, my family had a sailboat, and this preppy footwear was standard issue. The Sperry Top-Sider, created in 1935, remains today because it never was really in style, therefore it never went out of style. Dig?
Read more about the history of the Sperry Top-Sider here. You don't have to have a sailboat or a preppy to wear a pair, you just have to wave your hands in the air like you just don't care... that people may make fun of your shoes. Screw those people. What have they done for you lately, anyway? Buy some here* today.
*I wear a 7.5. Thanks.

I Was in Public With a Man With a Huge Zit on His Forehead

Naturally, it was a bit embarrassing for both of us. Possibly a little more embarrassing for me. The zit is on his upper forehead above his right eye and sits atop a large egg-shaped pulsating mound of redness. It is --at the very least--a day away from popping. When he raises his eyebrows, the zit virtually disappears, but then he looks incredibly startled and borderline insane. I'll describe the experience of being in public with a man with a huge zit on his forehead in greater detail later. Thanks for your attention, and enjoy your afternoon.

Don't Bother Me When I'm Watchin' My Stories!

Sent to me by whipcreamy:

This is ridiculous.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Kick Ass Shoes of the Day

"Brocade shoe; red and white satin shoe; shoe belonging to Rosa Anderson, a fair maid of Perth, whose elopement created a great sensation in bygone days in the town, to whose Council her husband belonged."
T. W. Grieg ~Ladies' Dress Shoes of the Nineteenth Century~1900
from the New York Public Library's Digital Gallery

I'm Staircase Shopping: Help Me Decide




I'm struggling between





#1:

&






#2:

Walgreens Grand Opening in the Neighborhood

Many of you have read or at least heard about the new Walgreens in the neighborhood. It has finally filled the spot formerly known as Gristede's Supermarket (the word Gristede's apparently is German for poorly managed cat piss-flavored grocery store) and formerly formerly known as The Gap. Before that I have no recollection and maybe that's best for the purposes of this story because I'm already getting off track.

Why is a new Walgreens in my neighborhood so special, you ask? First of all, you don't see anything disappear around here without another bank branch taking its place. We have more friggin' banks around here. Who the hell has all this money to put in these banks? Don't we bank online these days anyway? Good grief, banks piss me off. Back in the day you'd have your bank and it might be close by, it might be a little farther away, either way, you went there and that was it. Now you have a fat ass because there's a branch every few feet. Ooooh, what an interesting neighborhood you live in! Is that a Chase, next to WaMu, next to Bank of America (jerks charge $3.00 for their ATMs? Welcome to America), next to a Commerce, next to a WHATEVER? WOW! HOW INTERESTING AND USEFUL! Banks. Ridiculous.

Not getting a bank is fantastic. What else is fantastic? Not getting a Duane Reade. This is "Manhattan's Drugstore" (named after Duane and Reade Streets in lower Manhattan) and it blows. They're everywhere, and they suck. Simply put, their staff sucks and they have a bad selection. I was forced to shop at a crappy Duane Reade until I saw the papered up windows of the vacant storefront announcing Walgreens Coming Soon, and man, I was elated! Seriously psyched!

Here are a few more pictures of my first time shopping at the new Walgreens last night. The trip was pleasant and interesting. I even saw some folks from my apartment building in there. The cranky rich dude who lives in the penthouse was already arguing with one of the store clerks with the circular in his hand, "But you're out of ice cream! It's advertised here, sale on ice cream and you have no ice cream!" She calmly replied, "We'll give you a rain check." He exclaimed, "How could you be out of the ice cream already? Already?" She responded, "I don't think we ever had it at this location, actually. We just opened." And cranky old dude couldn't let it go: "I was gonna say! Out of the ice cream already, how could that be the case? Now you'll give me a raincheck now, but you don't have the ice cream. Do I come back? Will it be on sale?" I have a feeling she said something about giving it to him at the sale price for a later time, but the conversation was starting to give me a little anxiety, and plus, what if he recognized me, that's a whole other deal because he's deaf too, so there'd be more shouting. Next aisle for me, please.








Here's the chick stamping sticker prices on stuff with her new sticker price gun in Aisle 4, Side B: In front of the refrigerated cases where the ice cream wasn't. Look how nice and shiny everything is! And neat! And shiny. And empty of people! Yay! People are terrible!












Here's up front near the registers. Peanut butter flavored Whoppers, you say? Well, okay! Look at all that beautiful I Heart NY stuff made in China. Nice selection.











Good shot of this broad entering the new store in wonder and amazement, don't you think? She has literally stopped in her tracks, stunned by the selection of products. I mean, inside her head, she's flipping the fuck out, you know? It's that new drugstore smell, filling up her senses. Wow, electronics section right up front? Excellent! Beautiful. That's where Gristede's used to keep its rotten meat case. True story.

















What is that, an overhang to prevent you and your Walgreens packages from getting soaked in inclement weather while you fumble for an umbrella or try to hail a taxi? I think it is! What a stunning idea! What a beautiful overhang. I stood under it for a second and have to say, it was top-notch. A perfect end to a perfect shopping experience. I'm going to transfer prescriptions there, and find all kinds of reasons to go there for this, that, and whatevs. I wonder if they're open 24 hours?

Wunder Beer Sold Here


Wunder Beer, Bohemian Lager Beer
The Best in the World
San Francisco, CA
1905

D is the Deerstalker, Sometimes, Fear...

D is the DEERSTALKER (sometime... Digital ID: 405579. New York Public Library

Ogden's Cigarettes
from New York Public Library's Digital Gallery

C is the Cricketer, Baleful and Bitter

C is the CRICKETER,  baleful a... Digital ID: 405577. New York Public Library
Ogden's Cigarettes
from New York Public Library's Digital Gallery

Happy Spring!

Springtime in the Ozarks, Arkansas
Spring! Spring! Spring! Nevermind that springtime starts in early February these days because the planet Earth is on fire and is about to blow, so friggin' bring it already. Winter was a joke. We had two or three cold days and the rest were mild enough for frisbee but cold enough for people to whine about it. I realize other parts of the country got tons of snow but we in Manhattan got one lousy flurry, which of course, caused major panic stirred up by the Mayor, the weatherpeople, and the idiot who couldn't make it to the office because of "the snowstorm" which apparently was raging thick on the Upper East Side. Oh, was I bitching? Let's get back to flowers. I like tulips.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

It's Time Fo' Mo' Wendy Ho

Sure, it's a month after Valentine's Day, but not a minute too late to view my amazing hottie friend Wendy's latest creation, "Cupid You're So Stoopit" with the ever-lovin' and silly John. F. O'Donnell. These two are gf / bf in real life and man, they're way too cute for words. Normally, I'd hate them for being "that kind of couple" but they're much too likeable. I suppose this is the part where I'm supposed to warn you that this vid might not be safe for work, but you realize that my entire blog isn't safe for work unless you're working on getting yourself fired, and well, that's happened to me a few times, so my apologies in advance.




Make sure you check out "Bitch, I Stole Your Purse" next if ya ain't seen it yet or nothin' cause it's hilarious too.

You Were Cordially Invited

to the New York Central
Wine, Liquor & Beer Dealers Association
on September 2, 1891.
I do hope you had a good time.

B is the Boxer

B is the BOXER (of course, whe... Digital ID: 405575. New York Public Library
Ogden's Cigarettes
from New York Public Library's Digital Gallery