Excited Prospective Grandmothers Take the Cake

Real cake (green layer: chocolate with ganache filling and white frosting, yellow layer: carrot with cream cheese frosting). After it was cut, I paid a little too much attention to this cake.

Diaper cake! Made with love by my mother.

Ingredients: Newborn disposable diapers. Sure, they're new, but the cake's not edible.

Unless you're a termite or whatever eats paper.

Scenes from a Baby Shower, January 23, 2010

Amtrak' Quiet Car So Quiet Everyone is Snoring

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

Are we freakin' snorious?

The only way I can deal with it is to quickly snap my reclined seat back into its upright position. The 85 year old dude behind me doesn't know what the hell is going on or why he's woken up from his nap 6 times in an hour but a girl's gotta save herself.

Ella Roof Heckendorn Liked to Write It Down

Another excerpt from my great grandmother Ella Roof's diary:


"Bridge--

June 1940


Mrs. Port, Mrs. Fleming, and I played at Edna's one eve in June when Mrs. Port came down from Chatauqua.




July 12- Edna, Mrs. Benner, and I played at Flemings--Mrs. B served Salad, Rolls, Coffee.


July 19- Edna and Mrs. B- beat Mrs. Fleming, Edna and Mrs Jones played here--served peach salad and muffins and Mrs. Jones and Edna beat.


Sept - Had Mrs. Port, Mrs. Fleming and Edna for bridge. Served sea foam salad."







From Mom:
Johann Nicholas Borger married Ottillia Schaffer
Their daughter Babalonia Elisabetha Borger married Conrad Hawk
Their son John George Hawk married Elizabeth Dotter
Their daughter Elizabeth Hawk married John Ruff
Their son Samuel Roof married Lucy Ann Searfoss (Serfass)
Their daughter was Mary Ellen (Ella) Roof

In Boston Tonight: Stripped Stories

Beantown peeps: My pals Giulia Rozzi and Margot Leitman are bringing their saucy 'n' salacious sexy storytelling show to town tonight. Check. It. Out. It's hilarious!




From Boston.com:

Photo by Anya Garrett

Care to share a personal sexual scenario at Stripped Stories? No? That’s fine, just sit back and watch others play “never have I ever’’ at this celebration of sex and how funny it can be. Hosts and creators Giulia Rozzi and Margot Leitman (pictured) will share their stories and ask audience members about specific sexual scenarios (possible questions: Have you had sex with a celebrity? Did you kiss on a first date?). The person with the highest score will be interviewed on stage. There will be stories by performer Cyndi Freeman and comic Mehran Khaghani, and music by folk singer Laura Burns. 8 p.m. $15. 21+. Mottley’s Comedy Club, 61 Chatham St., Boston. 877-548-3237. www.mottleyscomedy.com





-by June Wulff, Boston.com
© Copyright 2010 Globe Newspaper Company.

Doodle Likes to Be High

Doodle, Out the Window and on the Roof

(She didn't return via the window and most definitely jumped)

Vermont ~ Winter, 2006

Roy and Leona in Summer

Altman side of the tree: Roy and Leona (Leone) Merryman with a bicycle. Circa 1910

Delta, Colorado or visiting Clarion County, PA

Now THAT'S a bike!

From Mom:

1910 United States Federal Census
Name: Monsell M Merriman
Age in 1910: 31
Estimated birth year: abt 1879
Birthplace: Pennsylvania
Relation to Head of House: Head
Father's Birth Place: Pennsylvania
Mother's Birth Place: Pennsylvania
Spouse's name: Olive
Home in 1910: Delta, Delta, Colorado
Marital Status: Married
Race: White
Gender: Male

Household Members:
Monsell M Merriman Age: 31
Olive Merriman 27
Leone Merriman 8
Roy Merriman 4 1/2
Carrie Morgan 49

Texting with Tuna the Fish

"Remind me to tell you about the time I looked into the heart of an artichoke."

Tuna - 7:54 pm

"Hope you didn't see your own face"

Anne - 7:56 pm

"How did you know?"

Tuna - 7:59

This Tribe Traveled in 2009

When you're single in this beloved town, you create your own family, and occasionally you and your city kitties need a respite from the hustle and bustle. As I ponder how my life is about to change forever, I present a few images from some memorable and precious escapes I had this year with dear friends. Back when I could take off on a whim, sleep in, still see my toes, cartwheel--let alone walk without a waddle-- and my greatest concern other than the self-doubt which is inherently human was basically, who will care for Doodle while I'm gone and discourage her from taking a revenge dump on my bed?

Puerto Rico

Fire Island

Vermont

Fire Island

Vermont

Fire Island

Astoria

Can't Say I Remember What a Hangover Feels Like

But according to Real Simple Magazine and Rachel Vreeman, M.D., co-author of Don't Swallow Your Gum:

Hangover Cure:

"Eat an egg sandwich on white bread. Experts believe cysteine, an amino acid in eggs, helps break down acetaldehye, a toxin produced when alcohol is in the liver, which can contribute to a hangover. Your body turns refined carbs into energy, hence the white bread."

Roy and Leona in Winter

Altman side of the family tree: Roy and Leona Merryman.

Clarion County, PA. Circa 1910

Big Oil

Me (newly born'd) 'n' Dad, NYC/NJ/Philly?

Shame on You, Massachusetts

I understand Democrat Martha Coakley coasted along in her campaign until she saw the poll numbers and many fault her for that. But Massachusetts has spoken and it's chosen Republican Scott Brown for Senate. Teddy Kennedy? Most definitely twisting in his grave.

Tuna and I were texting about our utter disappointment last night. Massachusetts, the state that led a brand new nation with the Minute Men, created the first public school, the first post office, and the American Navy decides to turn its back on healthcare and other progressive reform and elects a backward conservative? I wasn't even a fan of this concession-ridden healthcare plan by Obama in the first place; working with the Republicans on it had backfired, making it crappy anyhow. Mom's right; Obama should have stuck to his guns and steamrolled ahead without "working with the other side of the aisle" just like the Bush administration did so well. Compromise in this case has gotten us nowhere.

I'm one of the very few and lucky in this economy to be employed and have healthcare insurance. And yet being insured in this country, I spent over 3K dollars out of pocket in addition to what I paid monthly for benefits in 2009. Additionally, with my benefits, unless I use personal and unpaid time off, I will receive 6 weeks of maternity leave. 6 weeks. Six. Weeks. Surely the baby should be able to take care of itself by then, no problem, and not only that, take care of Doodle when I'm at work.

America embarrasses me sometimes.

Okay, more than sometimes. If we can't do anything about healthcare reform right now, can we please, as Americans, promise not be so fat when we go to Europe and wear those dumb white sneakers? I can't take it.

Here's a Little Ditty I Just Wrote Just Now

How Long is That Bag of Pretzels Gonna Be?

I'm so glad

You're enjoying your pretzels

Dear cubicle mate

During your lunch

They sound nice

The way they echo

In your piehole

The way they crunch

And bounce off your teeth

But I kind of want to kill you

So if you could wrap it up

You won't die

Thanks,

Bye.

-by Anne Altman

Mortified: Heartbreak Holiday Angst Edition! February 11 @ 9pm

If you're alive (or dead), you've definitely had your heart stomped on once, twice or thrice. And whether or not you're lucky in love at this very moment, love stinks and you know it, so just get over yourselves.

Come on out to Mortified to hear pathetic, sad-sack, completely ridiculous, humiliating and embarrassing teen vomit from the following former teens:

Brooke Van Poppelen

Adam Wade

Jasmin Singer

Todd Rosenberg

Jenn Wehrung

and more!

Anne in Chicago ~ January, 2009


Share the shame with us!


Mortified

Produced by Anne Altman and Julia Wright

Thursday, February 11, 2010


9pm

$15 (and worth every pathetic penny)


Tribeca92Y

(Romeo and Juliet image from www.taudiobook.com)

Doodle Q

Doodle, NYC ~ May, 2009

RIP sleeper sofa, thank you for a good 12 years of service.

We loved you. (Doodle did, anyway. I found you to be unwieldy)

www.marriedtothesea.com

Ella Roof Heckendorn Liked to Write It Down

I never knew my paternal great grandmother Ella Roof Heckendorn, but I understand she was loved by her grandchildren, especially my Dad. All I really know about her is what she put in her scrapbook which my Grama gave to me. It's full of recipes, notes about the Reverend's sermon, notes about temperance and the evils of liquor, notes about her children and their children, who brought what to the Presbyterian church supper, prices and lbs of fruit and vegetables, and newspaper clippings: inspirational quotes, quotes about the Lord, tips on playing bridge, who got married, who was born, who died.

Last week my Aunt Sandi generously mailed me a little notebook she thought may have been Naomi Decker's, a childhood friend of Gram's. Miss Decker's name is indeed inscribed on the front cover--Naomi Decker, 152 East Avenue, Johnsonburg, Pennsylvania-- but upon reading, this diary definitely belonged to Ella Heckendorn. Likely it came into her possession from the Deckers somehow, as they were neighbors in Johnsonburg, PA.

Want to know what was goin' on July 6, 1940 in Mrs. Ella Heckendorn's world? Thought so!

Mabel, Doc, Maryellen and Nanette came at 8 o'clock July 6, 1940. They had brought Mrs. Nelson and Aunt Flo to Broadway. They stopped at Carl and Edna's and brought them up. Edna had baked banana cake.

Had lunch.

Doc brought for me

2 long loaves french bread

3 lb green peas

3 heads lettuce

1 basket black raspberries

1 1/2 dozen oranges

1 basket tomatoes

1 black walnut Buffet Roll

1 box muffin mix

It appears if you brought Ella a gift, she wrote it down; so any of you planning on going back in time and stopping by better bring something good. It's also interesting but not surprising to note that my Grama is missing from this entry and not present on this particular visit to her mother's. She had moved to Olean, NY by this time and was a little busy, clearly; by 1940 she was almost halfway into producing her brood of 10.

Stay tuned for more titillating excerpts from the diary of Ella Heckendorn.

Have a Dream

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Oh My God

Brandy asked me to go see a play about babies and she sent me a link to the play, Smudge, a "terrifying" dark comedy about babies and parenthood, and though it looks very good, I may be terrified enough. Then she wrote, "Or would you do anything but talk about babies?" and she provided the following link:

Judi Sheppard Misset and the Jazzercisers do a routine to Arthur's theme.

Thank you, Brandy.

You're welcome, everybody.

Anne Reviews Avatar

Tuna and I went to see Avatar last night. I was reluctant to go for a few reasons:

1. Don't care much for CGI
2. Never first in line for science fiction let alone blockbuster science fiction
3. I hate crowds
4. This movie is LONG (how many times will I have to use the ladies' room?)

We got our 3D glasses and while Tuna bought some popcorn and water, I remarkably scored two seats in the center of the theater, one being an aisle seat. Later arriving people had to sit in the front row, which I imagine was super rough for a flick like this.

I liked Avatar. It was wild. Beautiful, loud, violent, a bit funny, sad. The baby was kicking up a storm during the part where the dude has to go up to the side of a cliff to choose a horse bird to fly.

And there you have it; my review of Avatar. Hope I didn't spoil it for you.

I'm Goin' to Try This on For Size

Wish me luck.

Help Haiti

The American Red Cross has set up an easy--and legitimate--way to help the earthquake victims of Haiti. Simply text haiti to 90999 and $10 beans will be added to your cellphone bill with the money will go the American Red Cross' Haiti Relief Fund.

Do I have ten bucks to spare? No. Did I send $20 to Haiti? Yes. Did I send $10 extra because I didn't think the first text "took" but it did? Yes. Do the Haitians need it more than I do? Absolutely; Haiti was a shytehole before this earthquake, and its people have always gotten the shortest end of the stick. Help 'em out if you can.

Tonight: True Tales from College

Amherst College Baseball Team, 1896

True Tales From College

Featuring Anne Altman

Tonight!

Wed, January 13, 7:30pm

Free!

Ochi's Lounge353 W 14th St.

Adam Wade and Jake Goldman present this new monthly storytelling show with stories ranging from the absurd to the heartfelt, you'll hear true stories from comics, writers and everyday people. Hosted by Adam Wade and Jake Goldman - two very nice people.

Donegal Tweed

Mr. Compliment was right; my coat is indeed a Donegal Tweed.

Pine 'n' Wine

Old Christmas Trees and Old Grape Juice

The Greene Grape, NYC ~ The corner of Liberty Street and that nameless creepy, cool, cavernous alleyway.

January 12, 2009

Pay No Attention to That Which Stares Behind the Curtain

For some bizarre and delightful reason, family and friends still send me--a wretched, disorganized, unworthy fool--Christmas cards. Thank goodness they do, or I wouldn't get gems like this one. Enjoy. You're welcome.

My Compliments to the Complimenter

It's nice to receive a compliment on your wardrobe from an average-dressed person, but it's a super boost to receive a compliment from an impeccably-dressed person, especially when the complimented is pregnant and feeling silly looking and the complimenter is male.

Generally, I do my best to look as impossibly cute as possible, and these days it takes a little less and yet much more effort, if you will. Since you're carrying extra blood when you're expecting (Gross? Sure!), you've got a natural blush in the face which is where "the glow" comes from. Then there's the fact that you're not losing any hair during pregnancy so it remains thicker and more lustrous and these things combined can make you look younger. I think. But you're also carrying another human, so that makes your body a bizarre shape, naturally, and you waddle like a penguin, and these things combined can make you feel self-conscious. Because people tend to stare at the misshapen penguin woman.

This morning as I waddled onto the elevator, the gentleman who let me on first said, "That is a beautiful cape. Cape, is it? I was behind you as we entered the revolving doors and noticed it."

"Thank you very much. Yes, I suppose it is a cape."

"What kind of pattern is that, is it a wool donegal?"

The man was tall, in his 60's, wearing a lovely wool coat, sharp scarf, and very nice grey classic brimmed hat a la 1950's.

"I don't know what it is technically, but I do know it's an Italian designer..." (It is a beauty, if I don't say so myself. It's a brown mini swing cape with petal fringe on the bottom and the collar. I got it at Syms for a song about 5 years ago, and since it's a swing style, it fits a waddling penguin woman just right)

"....but I really appreciate the compliment, it means a lot. I'm feeling sort of large these days."

"Oh, you've got someone on board? I didn't notice. Congratulations!"

"Thank you! Have a great day, sir."

"You too."

A little elevator exchange like that can make one's day. Or at least get one to their first cup of decaf without scowling. Much.

Mad Santa

Uh, Santa? Your tag is hanging out.

So is your attitude.

Doodle, VT ~ Christmas, 2009

Thank You, Friends, Real and Virtual

What would I do without you?

Subway Seat Series

Today a woman with luggage gave up her seat for me on the Downtown 4/5 making the number of seats offered now: 6

Take It from a Pregnant Broad: Jenny Hyjack Says It Best

"PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WALK HERE, LARD ASS!"

Hahahahahaha! Oh, Jenny. Thank you.

www.jennhyjack.com

Dying Young's No Good, But Growing Old is Tricky

I just returned from Walgreen's, and I still can smell the old lady perfume worn by an old lady I encountered as our carts intersected here and there during our respective shopping. I understand that sometimes as an old lady (or old man) you may smell like pee, (a tough scent for anyone to stomach) therefore, you powder up with a cologne. But is there a rule that after age 75 or whatever you're relegated to Eau de Old Lady and that's it? I'm not saying that every teen girls' favorite Love's Baby Soft would be appropriate, but maybe something a bit less pungent and stale? I don't know.

I solemnly swear to you, dear public, that if I make it to 75, I will not assault your noses with such revolting toiletry products. Or walk around with "old lady open mouth" catchin' flies and debris. I'm going to do my best, anyway. Whether it means I badger anyone willing to speak to me to give me a scent recommendation and/or use a few pieces of strategically placed tape on the old jaws to keep my pie hole shut. Whatever it takes.

I'm going to try, anyway.

More likely, I'll end up a diapered, wig wearin', muttering, smelly, old open-mouthed broad with lipstick on her teeth, but a girl can dream, right?

Another Gem from Andy at Sans Pantaloons

Featuring Anne 2.0 (far right) and I do believe that's Jenn Wehrung and possibly the artist himself.

2010!

Thank you, Sans.

They Should Run for Office

When I asked my super (a very sweet guy) about the chunks of rust which blow out of my kitchen sink faucet, he suggested that I run the hot water for 20 minutes.

Hmm.

Reminds me of the time over ten years ago when my old super (not a very sweet guy), suggested I get a cat as a remedy for the mice which had moved in with me.

Thanks for the tips, bros!

The hot water running solution hasn't worked out thus far (I'm well into an hour now and the water is still doo doo brown peppered with what look like coffee grounds) but the cat / mouse thing sure did, didn't it? I had no mice when I adopted Doodle, and now the only ones I ever get are the ones she brings up from her occasional escapes into the hallway and down the stairs to the basement. She brings 'em up but always takes 'em out, if you know what I mean. They don't live here long.

See Me in True Tales from College: January 13, 2010

Come see me spin a tale from my days in college, all while sober and smuggling a basketball underneath my clothes! Not to be missed!

True Tales From College
Date/Time:Wed., January 13, 7:30pm
Price: free

Ochi's Lounge
353 W 14th St.
New York, NY

TRUE TALES FROM COLLEGE -- Adam Wade and Jake Goldman present this new monthly storytelling show with stories ranging from the absurd to the heartfelt, you'll hear true stories from comics, writers and everyday people. Hosted by Adam Wade and Jake Goldman - two very nice people.

Babies R Us: Formerly a Place You Couldn't Pay Me to Enter

Anne at Babies R Us? Now that's a first.

NYC ~ December, 2009

My pal Cha Cha was kind enough to chaperone me at Babies R Us to pick out items to register for. And Cha Cha would know; her adorable bambina turns one this month!

Subway Seat Series

Today I was offered a seat on the subway by a mother and child (whilst plenty of spread-legged dudes just watched and sat) making the # of seats offered me thus far: 5

It should be noted that I appear to be smuggling a basketball under my coat, so unless you have a policy that you don't offer your seats to shoplifters of basketballs, and that's your excuse, then fine. Otherwise, you're just a jerk.

Then I got in an altercation with a woman coming down the stairs. I'll save that story for later.

Doodle Went to Vermont and All She Got Were These Lousy Cob Webs

Doodle, VT ~ December, 2009

Not true! As a matter of fact, Doodle took some amazing photographs of her Christmastime in Vermont. I'll post some of the highlights when I get them. The snap she snagged of me and my arse bending over to get gifts under the Christmas tree is a remarkable beauty.

So, How's Your Year Been?

Mine? Fine. Admittedly I've been a bit busy with this whole growing a human being inside of my belly project, butI do have few details to share about it.

Pregnancy is a funny thing. You're basically telling the world you're easy without a t-shirt with SLUT emblazoned on the front, no? And dudes, they walk free, their tummies flat, their business theirs, nobody's the wiser. Weeks ago, I was glowing, feelin' good, rockin' and rollin', and having a great time. Now I'm still glowing, but I'm waddling, feeling uncomfortable, and having less of a great time. Par for the course say the mothers out there: The Third Trimester Ain't Pretty.

So far, only 4 people have offered me their seats on the subway. Also, I've noticed that people say funny things to you when you're pregnant. I got a manicure on Monday, and two of the ladies on staff asked me if I was 8 months pregnant. Not what you want to hear at 6.5. Today, a guy I work with commented, "My, you're really getting huge, fast," which also sort of hurts the ears, but what are you going to do? I suppose the strangest, dumbest question I've been asked so far was by a friend I hadn't seen in awhile. She'd had a few drinks, and leaned into my ear with one hand cupped around her mouth. "I have a question," she slurred.

"Shoot."

"Well, see, I, well, I shave down there? And I'm like, really concerned, like, when I get pregnant one day because, I mean, what on earth do you do? Like when you can't see your feet and stuff?"

"Mirrors? Listen. Trust me: You're going to have bigger problems. I know you can't believe it now, but you need to take my word for it. If you remember anything tomorrow morning about this conversation, remember that manicuring your downtown fur will be one of the last things on your mind when you're a human being factory, months away from shooting a watermelon out of your business. Particularly things like worrying that you might pee your pants when you sneeze, or your arse blowing itself inside out for no reason. Things like that."

The Coolest Candy

www.papabubble.com

A friend gave me a gorgeous papabubble candy ring for Christmas*, and not only was it delightful to look at, it was delicious as well. I'd take a picture of it but it's gone to stomachtown now.

* I swiped it off his desk in broad daylight while he watched.

Since he didn't stop me or chase me: gift.

Happy New Year's Eve, Kids

Self Portrait, Anne in VT at the snow-c0vered Lake.

Christmas Day, 2009
_____

Remember when I said that 2007 was going to be my year? And when it wasn't, 2008, and 2009 were going to be my years?

2010 is my year.

I also hope it's yours!

Happy New Year's Eve, everyone!

Love,

Anne 2.0 and Doodle

Two Can Anne Now Designated Holiday Bartender

Christmas Day and Post Christmas Holiday cocktails at Chez Altman:

Champagne Cocktail: Champagne, Pomegranate Juice, Lemon Juice, Sugared Rim, Lemon Twist

Martinis: Ice Water Chilled Glasses. Dump water, squeeze lemon twist into glass for lemon vapor. Drop in lemon twist. Add shaken Plymouth gin. Enjoy being hammered.

Texting with Tuna the Fish

"New Chapter: 'Minus One" or 'No, my partner and I have not been to Mykonos.' "

- Tuna, December 12, 2009 12:08 PM

Blogs, They Are a Changin': A Two Can Anne Very Special Announcement

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

-Elizabeth Stone


And I've made that momentous decision.

You read that correctly, everyone; I'm having a baby! Due in March.

Merry Christmas!

Love,
Anne and Doodle

Snow Angel (Devil?)

Doodle, NYC ~ March 8, 2007

What's Goin' on in Olean, New York Right Now?

Olean, New York. Right Now.

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!

Tuna (left) and Me (right)

I'm spending this snowy afternoon with Tuna on a great adventure to get our pictures taken with a Santa Claus based in a Forest Hills, Queens. Talk about an exotic field trip! I'm stoked.

Doodle's Goin' Back to Vermont This Christmas

Here's a photo Doodle took in 2008 called "Under the Porch Where I Like to Pee and Kill Stuff"
This photo is available printed on streched canvas. Inquire within.
Photos by Doodle, VT~ August 2008

Tonight: Mortified! On Ice! Holiday Angst Edition!

Mortified!

Tonight!

December 17, 2009

9 pm

$15

92YTribeca

200 Hudson Street

NYC

Featuring mortifying teen crap from:

Julia Wright
Anne Altman
Shawn Hollenbach
Alene Latimer
Erin Griffith
Kristina Wong
Kyle Supley
Emlyn Morinelli
Becky Ciletti

Santa May Look Creepy

But did the North Pole part with billions for sexual abuse lawsuits resulting in thousands of resignations, retirements, defrockings? I don't think so. Maybe. Regardless, a priest never got me a Barbie Beauty Center for Christmas.

Santa and Anne, 1970's

Table for One, Decaf for One, Cookies for...One

A Night at The Plaza, NYC ~ 12/15/09

Positively Ninth Street: Holiday Style

East 9th Street, NYC ~ 12/4/09

Lord, It's Like a Hard Candy Christmas

Hard Candy Christmas by Dolly Parton, 1987.

Written by Carol Hall.

Dood Ain't a Big Fan of the Water Either

www.marriedtothesea.com

Don't You Wish Your Kitty Was Cute Like Me?

Doodle, NYC ~ November 28, 2009

Just in Time

The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC ~ December 12, 2009

I got up bright and early this morning to get to the Met to set my peepers on the fascinating exhibition of the amazing Zurich-born photographer, filmmaker and artist Robert Frank, called The Americans.

His collection was everything I'd hoped it would be. The photographer's favorite picture in his series was one taken of a couple on a hill in San Francisco with the cityscape behind them, the expression on their faces described by Frank himself as "You bastard! What are you doing?" a prime example of what it's like oftentimes to be a photographer trying to surreptitiously capture life and being discovered doing so.

I got there ten minutes after the museum opened, which meant that even in this busy holiday season full of NYC visitors, I only had to endure 2 obnoxious pontificators (one of whom talked in such a booming voice he must have believed surely that others must care about his thoughts on the pictures), and two obnoxious biddies who thought this was a great place to catch up and blab about how mohair and cashmere affect their skin differently. Both couples threatened to ruin my experience, but I created my own route to avoid them and enjoyed it thoroughly. Plugging my ears didn't hurt either.

On my way out, the throngs of general population folk arrived just in time for my departure. Long lines snaking themselves at the entrance, coat check, and admissions weren't there just an hour earlier. New York is an amazing city when you know what you're doing.

Hope you're all loving this gorgeous weekend. Doodle and I are.

TWO CAN ANNE Ticket Contest: A Very Sandwich Christmas!

The winner of this contest gets two tickets to a Very Sandwich Christmas valid for the following performances: Dec 10-14 Wed, Thurs, Fridays , Saturdays 7 and 9 pm. Special Show Monday, December 14, 2009.


In a celebration of 10 years of successful theatre-making, Banana Bag & Bodice re-imagines their classic surreal musical cabaret with new holiday charm. A Very SANDWICH Christmas is a meaty treat that leaks blood and uses bread to soak it up. Brought to you by the creators of the acclaimed Beowulf – A Thousand Years of Baggage, this show will make you laugh while forcing you to smell the burning flesh surrounding your merry little soul.

Featuring a four-piece orchestra with original score, Sandwich is a playful, provocative & horrific musical that examines the art of eating and the blind act of consumption during the festive holiday season. Like a disastrous anime cartoon with rambunctious rhythm, it features overstuffed animals offering their moral misgivings to the exaggeratedly grotesque humans that feed them. Full of sing-a-long fun, Sandwich is a compendium of oddities to stuff in your stocking. Performances begin December 3 and run through December 19: Wednesday-Friday @ 8pm, Saturdays @ 7pm and 9pm, Special Show on Monday, December 14 @ 8pm.

A Very SANDWICH Christmas cast: Peter Blomquist, Rick Burkhardt, Jason Craig, Sarah Engelke, Ezra Gale, Rod Hipskind, Jessica Jelliffe, Dave Malloy, John Murchison, Heather Peroni.
Directed by Mallory Catlett, Original Text and Music by Banana Bag & Bodice.

Tickets: $20-$25 available at www.theatermania.com or by calling 212-352-3101.

For more information visit www.abronsartscenter.org or
www.bananabagandbodice.org


Contest:

What is Doodle's favorite food?

TWO CAN ANNE Ticket Contest: The Gayest Christmas Pageant Ever!

Holiday fun from Two Can Anne!

The winner of this contest gets 2 Tickets* to Joe Marshall's

The Gayest Christmas Pageant Ever!


*Tickets are in voucher form and available dates given on a first-come, first-emailed basis.

Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays 12/11-12/27

"The title alone is brilliant!" says Kathy Griffin

Joe Marshall's

The Gayest Christmas Pageant Ever!




"It's time for the annual holiday production for a struggling gay theater company in West Hollywood. Jim, the pot-smoking straight tech guy, offends M&M, the eclectic playwright, causing him to walk out and take his script with him. Now the crazy and drama-addicted team has just a few weeks to produce the "gayest Christmas pageant ever." This holiday camp-fest is a fast-paced comedy packed with hilarious dialog and over-the-top characters."

The Actors' Playhouse - 100 7th Avenue South (between Grove and Bleecker Streets)
www.alternativetheaterco.org/

Contest: Tis the season here in the office, and there are dozens of holiday cookies, candies and crap sitting on the filing cabinets which I can't seem to leave alone. Guess approximately how many calories I've consumed as of 2:39 pm Eastern Standard Time on December 8, 2009?

Blogs, They are a Changin'

Hey kids! Two Can Anne's transforming herself, and it's impossible for the blog not to change with her.

Stay tuned for a big announcement to be announced, as I'll announce the new announcement with an announcement shortly.

I Preferred Fat Al Roker

Now that I've junked my 1991 stereo system, and I'm without my NPR in the morning, I've been watching a bit of the (prepare to gag) Today Show before I go to work. Skinny Al Roker goofing with the folks in Rock Center and sharing the daily forecast? No appeal. Weather-telling jokey clowns need to be fat. I understand his weight reduction may be better for his health, but NBC should've tossed his ass when he lost his ass. Skinny and jolly? Doesn't exist. Ol' Rokes is a disturbing sight. And during the holidays no less. Good grief.

Are We Clear?

Safety deposit box outside a bank in Beverly, MA ~ November 24, 2009

Got Party Invites? Need a Pie?

I read about this quick n' easy recipe for a no-bake pie in The New York Press this morning, and I think it's perfect to bring to a dinner or party this holiday season:

No Bake Tropical Pudding Pie
________

- One package (3 oz) of vanilla pudding and pie fillling mix
- Vanilla Soymilk
- One can (8 oz) of pineapple slices
- 9 inch ready made graham cracker piecrust
- 2 large ripe bananas

• Make the pudding according the package directions (using the soymilk)
• Arrange pineapple and bananas onto the piecrust (Cut bananas into thin slices and layer on top of pineapple)
• Spoon pudding evenly over fruit and let chill until firm (3 hours)
• Enjoy

These Folks Were Lost Now & They've Been Found

By me! As I trotted to the subway this morning, I spotted this little pic of this family on the sidewalk and picked it up. They're Jewish!