Just One Reason Why Greenberg is a Maniac: In 3 Parts

Enter one size 11.5 dirty Bass Weejun that Greenberg wears everyday and refuses to shine.




















Hole-y shit! Is that an enormous hole? Is that green chewing gum? Is that gross? And possibly terribly cold/wet when it hits the winter pavement?























According to Greenberg:

1 Avery #5260 label = Shoe is fixed.

Willie Nelson is Sweet

And so is his new Country Peach Cobbler collaboration with Ben & Jerry's. Delicious. Willie's proceeds benefit Farm Aid because he's a seriously decent dude. Read more about the man and the ice cream in his honor here. Willie rocks.

Enjoy a Nice Slice of Kosher Ham This Hanukkah

For a limited time only, so hop to it, chosen peeps!

Words Which Describe Mortified's Dec 13 Ticket Sales

Tickets are selling

• briskly
• speedily
• quickly
• swiftly
• not slowly
• wicked fast
• out

If you want to see MORTIFIED at NYC's Tank Theater in TriBeCa on December 13, don't wait!

www.getmortified.com

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCLMMVMVMV

"I love you too, honey. Here's to me slicing your beanbag off tonight with a box cutter. Cheers!"

Weird Wedding Photos Part MCVMVVMLCM

"Smell the flowers, my bride. I SAID SMELL 'EM, GODDAMN IT!"

Make Sure You Do It Up Fancy For Your Last Supper

With a last supper scalloped lace tablecloth. Mmm. Scalloped. Jesus loves scallops.

And apparently, He's also a big fan of salad:

Dollar Store, Beverly, MA

10/07

'Tis True

I find people who are always right particularly endearing and fun to be around.

The Skyscraper Museum

Skyscrapers don't particularly interest me, since I'm not a huge fan of engineering or heights, for that matter. However, the current exhibit at the Skyscraper Museum in Battery Park City--New York Modern: Future City: 20/21 looks fascinating. It focuses on history and old timey time engineers' visions of NYC's future. That is cool.



Check out Moses King's "Dream of New York" from 1911-1912. The tall building with the clock tower is the old Singer building on Broadway between Liberty and Cortlandt Street (razed in early 1960's) and the sight of present day 1 Liberty Plaza where I go to work everyday. Mr. King's vision is a little off. Though I wish we did have crazy-ass zeppelins flying by the windows all day. Exciting!



And William R. Leigh's "Great City of the Future," from Cosmopolitan, November,1908 paints another wild design. I'm no engineer, but those masonry high-rises appear to be structurally impossible. And imposing! But how about that amazing web of bridges connecting all the shiznit?

FUTURE CITY: 20/21

New York Modern

October 2007-April 2008

The Skyscraper Museum.

See you there.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLCMMVMV

Something old, something new, something furry, something blue...and something infected.

Anne-urysm

A paper cut won't ruin your life. But there's a good chance it will ruin your day.

Lord Knows I've Been Busy Lately, Why Don't You?

3 Things on my Mind This Very Minute

1. I'm taking those freakin' boots out of my shoe rotation and getting them the fuck out of my apartment already, because no, they're not comfortable, they're terrible, despite just how unstylish they are.
2. Yes, I'm going to finish this Party Mix. I bought it, didn't I? And I opened it in a stupid way so that I can't close the bag, and for cryin' out loud, there's sweet popcorn clumps of goodness mixed in with these Cheetos and Doritos and preztels, oh my!
3. Isn't there a new epsiode of Tila Tequila on tonight?

OMG That's Mortifiying!

Remember when you had a crush on that girl in band and she confided in you that she had a crush on someone else? Remember when your face was full of zits and your Capezios were grey? Remember when you were planning on going to Marci Freedman's Sweet Sixteen that all the cool kids were invited to but you, like an idiot, didn't take out the trash like your folks had asked you to a thousand times and so you were GROUNDED and couldn't go? For cryin' out loud the invitation was a freakin' 45 record!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG!

My point? You sucked. Sucked! Prove you don't suck anymore by being a part of a cultural phenomenon! Be a part of a sold out show! Come see Mortified on Dec 13 and laugh your ass off. And the best part is, you don't have to re-live Junior High for realsies, just live vicariously through others' pain and shame. Yay! Show sells out--pre-order so you don't feel like a jerk.

Mortified

Thursday, December 13, 2007 ~8 p.m.

Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers.

Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest-running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people. Mortified is co-produced in New York by Brandy Barber & Anne Altman.


Presale tickets: $10 (Day of show $12) Buy tickets here!

www.getmortified.com

The Tank

279 Church Street

New York, NY 10013

(Btn Franklin and White)

Let it Snow, Yo

Punkins

NYC, 11/9/07

Kiss My Fat Friday

It's a Doodle-y Type of Day, Ain't It?

Doodle, 8/07

Stop Your Bitching and I Mean Me

I Love the 1700's!

• the average child had a roughly 50% chance of surviving to adulthood


• slavery was legal in all 13 colonies


• all cooking was done in or around the fireplace


• women could not vote, hold public office and unless widowed, own property in most colonies


• travel was slow and uncertain; by water, ships relied upon the wind for locomotion; by land, a rider on horseback might hope to cover 30 miles in a day, a passenger in a coach, just 20


• aside from sunlight, the sole source of heat was fire, usually in an open fireplace; after sunset, illumination was either by moonlight or candlelight


• there was no indoor plumbing: the flush toilet, the bathroom and the kitchen faucet are 19th century innovations--chamber post, outhouses and buckets were a way of life


• privacy was a rare privilege for most: people, including children at home and strangers at inns, routinely shared beds


• aside from a minority of city dwellers, almost everybody was a farmer


• there was no anesthesia for surgery or childbirth


• every household produced some, and in many cases all, of the candles, soap, foodstuffs and clothing it required


• the medieval notion of the four humors still dominated medical theory, so bloodletting and purging were employed to restore the balance of black and yellow bile, blood and phlegm, and thus, presumably, good health

*From December 07's Smithsonian Magazine I "borrowed" from my doctor's office

Mice Which Would Bore Doodle Cat

But I think are neat!

How about this one for me?

Or this one for the perv in your life.

And many more, from pat-says-now. Check it.

I'm Working on a New Song, Folks

To the meow, to the meow.
To the meow, to the meow.
Mmmmm
To the meow, to the meow.
Everything you own in the box to the meow.

To the meow, to the meow.
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking
You're irreplaceable?

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you in a minute
Matter fact, she'll be here in a minute...

All I'm Sayin' Is

That I'd like to be a "motivational speaker type person" who is really just an average type person who becomes a millionaire type person by profiting off of other peoples' insecurities and whatnot and rarely, if ever, takes their own crappy advice and shit.

Like this guy, Joel Osteen? You just know he's a douche.

I want to be him.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLMMVCCMV

Someone set off a stink bomb to disperse this party, yo

Dancing With the Stars Bums Me Out

I really hate this show. I know you didn't ask, but I hate it. Hate. It. Does anyone give a fat flying crap that Jennie Garth was voted off? Who cares? Except Jennie? She claims she's not sad, but you know she's sad. Embarrassed is more likely.

So, the show sucks. The hosts are annoying, the judges are annoying, the majority of the contestants? Totally annoying. I don't mind the dancing part, I suppose.

And everyone is orange.

The end.

Britney Pregnant Again?

PU. PU! I thought I smelled something. STOP BREEDING I'M TRYING TO EAT LUNCH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I really feel compelled to throw her off of something, like a cliff or a ledge or very high place, and I realize that's not nice.

But I never said I was nice.

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVCLVVMMVM

Something melty this way comes

A New Poem Inspired By a Public Restroom Visit

Big pube on the seat
Big pube on the seat
Isn't it neat
A big pube on the seat

© Anne Altman 2007

Weird Wedding Photos Part MVLCMMVMV

The Next Time You're in Kansas

Stay at a Hutson.

Wicked Weird

"Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosnt mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe."

-Source: Ankeet Shah

Only 420 Days Left of George W. Bush

Act up accordingly.

Yesterday's A-Hole of the Day-Hole

Commuting back from a long holiday weekend spent in 3 states (something unheard of 100 years ago) is never a glamorous or even remotely pleasant task, but there are people in this world who can make it so, sooo, sooooo much more horrible than it has to be. Vote for your favorite today!

A-hole #1: The line for the restroom at a Connecticut Rest Stop was snaked nearly out the lobby, yet a broad was using stall #2 (of a measly 6) as her private office to make a loud phone call. In Chinese. As I neared the front of the line, I heard other broads hissing and seething with anger, "Somebody should knock on the door. That's not right!" When I got into Stall #1, checked underneath the partition to see what she was doing in there to give her the benefit of the doubt, and sure enough, there was no sitting, only standing and blah-blah-blahing. I took that opportunity to throw a nice big wad of fresh toilet paper under the partition which landed on her shoe. And another wad over, for good measure. That seemed to free up the stall quickly.

A-hole #2: My latecomer seatmate on the MetroNorth Railroad who busted an otherwise pleasant train ride with the following:

• Massive bags a-plenty from a shopping trip to Buy Buy Baby or some crap like that.
• Screeching constantly (from the time she approached to the time she got off) on her bluetooth earpiece in a foreign language so loudly and unapologetically I was simply beside myself--except I was beside her. The one-way conversation sounded like this: "BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG," etc...
• Ruffling and crumpling with plastic bags inside of her purse for candy and settling on a lollypop. Slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp.
• Eating pistachio nuts out of an entirely different crumply rumply bag and throwing the shells on the floor (ie: my lap and my luggage)
• Fumbling through her cosmetic bag and brushing hair. Into my face.
• Applying various makeups to her grill piece while elbowing me in my grill piece.
• Instead of saying something to this horrible human being about her 2000 revolting violations of etiquette, I chose my usual entirely ineffective passive aggressive route of staring at her an inch from her face with the dirtiest, most incredulous look I could muster and plugging my ears with my forefingers.

The End.

Two Can Anne Web Traffic History Was Made Today

I had a whopping 4,702 visitors to my blog today, a new and unbelievable record. Why, you ask? Is it the edgy coverage of hot topics of the day like, say, my post on bacon bits? Is it perhaps the extra mile I go to describe some a-hole du jour? Is it my played out series, Weird Wedding Photos?

No, no, and no.


Today, 99% of the 4,702 folks who clicked on my blog today were googling for the video of two girls eating caca from a cup. Since I haven't posted the video, clearly they were disappointed. Waa waaaaaa...

What about that 1%, you ask? Well, they were less concerned with the poop show and more concerned with "What happened to McDonald's Southwest Chicken Salad." I was able to help them out there, at least.

Two Can Anne: Your #1 News Source Sort Of.

34 43.59% two girls one cup
9 11.54% 2 girls one cup
4 5.13% 2 chicks in a cup
3 3.85% two girls-one cup
3 3.85% 2 girls one finger
2 2.56% two girls one finger
2 2.56% two girls one cup video
1 1.28% two girls and a cup
1 1.28% 2 girls one cup video
1 1.28% two girls one cup original
1 1.28% two chicks one cup video
1 1.28% two girls one cup official video
1 1.28% two girls in one cup
1 1.28% two girls and one finger
1 1.28% 2 chicks & a cup
1 1.28% 2 girls and 1 finger
1 1.28% two girls and cup real or fake
1 1.28% 2 girls 1 finger video
1 1.28% two girls and cup
1 1.28% tow girls one cup
1 1.28% two girls one cup
1 1.28% 2 girls and a cup, the real one
1 1.28% what happened to mcdonalds southwest chicken salad
1 1.28% two girls one cup link
1 1.28% two girls one cup real video
1 1.28% two girls and 1 cup

New From the "Look at the Tree" Guy

and since it's the holiday season, let's look at the tree again, shall we?

Happy Thanksgiving!

On This Holy Thanksgiving Day Eve

What do we think of circus peanuts? You know, the peanut-shaped orange marshmallow that tastes like fake bananas.

I tried explaining these things to someone last night and it sounded as absurd as it... sounds.

Sounds about right.

For Those Who Love Commuter Congestion

Today's your day!

ENJOY!

What a Bunch of Big Bird Shit

Sesame Street's early episodes no longer suitable for today's children?

GAG.

Get over yourselves, today's parents/marketers/whatevers.

Let's go play with some rusty cans now.

Thank you.

Anyone Steaming a Turkey on Thursday?

Not recommended.

I Love a Doll House, Yo

Since I live in a terrifying fantasy land, I've always loved a doll house. I found this metal lovely on eBay, and the only reason I didn't buy it is because even though I'm not a superstitious person, I really don't want to jinx my chances of needing to buy one for my own daughter someday and wind up that creepy lady with the mumus, multiple cats and tons of collectibles. See, years ago, I bought a terrific 1960's era wedding frock from a thrift store for $20 and wasn't dating anybody special. I figured, if it doesn't make it down the aisle one day, I'll just wear it for another occasion, perhaps a blood-spattering sacrifice ritual of my own creation over a teeth-crumbling 9-day meth binge. But so far it hasn't gone anywhere, and there's no husband in sight. You can see where I'm going with this. But let me check just to make sure: "Hey, husband! You there? Hello? No? Ok." Nope. Nobody there. Oh, well. Ok. Back to the blog.

Anyhoodle, this dollhouse is probably made of lead paint and not suitable for licking, but it's cool because they don't make houses like this anymore. One car garage? Please. Today's fat and flashy Americans who can afford a house demand more in a house. A sprawling 15 thousand square feet of "townhome" on a golf course with rooms they never use and bathrooms they never take dumps in. And a chandelier. And a gaslit fireplace. I hate gaslit fireplaces. This place has a real fireplace, yo.

Enjoy.

Wow. Bay window? Bay window next to picture window? Nice features. Anderson windows, I presume?

Your average two bedroom one bath. I'd probably knock the kitchen wall down to give the space a more open feel. Maybe put in an island so I can make my Rachel Ray meals with an audience.

Two refrigerators? Can we afford it?

A window seat in the Anderson bay window and a fire in the fireplace! What's sweeter than that. Though, if I lived here I'd consider rearranging the furniture, perhaps moving the t.v. away from the flames (wicked big fire hazard) and the chair away from the front door (wicked big safety hazard)? I'd think that the simple act of shutting the front door might cut down on heating costs too.

The second floor doesn't appear to be load bearing, but

Washer / Dryer? Sold.

Douche of Last Week

Subtitled: "How to Win Friends, Influence People, and Kick a Temp in the Teeth"

Our biggest client came in for a meeting last week. He is quite fond of himself and thinks himself to be quite an unusually attractive man (not), an accomplished man (depends on your definition of accomplished), and a powerful presence (depends on your definition of powerful). I'd say most people would describe him as an "egomaniac", "difficult" and "stinking rich." At any rate, even though we've been introduced, there's no reason for this guy (I'll call him El Diablo) to know that I exist, other than that I work for the boss as his assistant. He probably knows me as "the chick that sits outside the conference room." And that's if he looks twice.

After the meeting, those involved congregated around my desk. Involuntarily, of course, as my desk sits right next to the conference room. They were discussing our company's holiday luncheon, something I had sent invitations via email to these particular folks a week and a half prior.

"What party?" said El Diablo. "I didn't get an invitation to a party."

"Our annual luncheon," I heard my boss say, reassuring him. "Invites went out last week."

"I didn't get an invite."

"I didn't either," said his colleague.

"Nope," continued El Diablo, "No invite."

"It was an email," said my boss.

El Diablo fumbled with his Blackberry. "I didn't get an email. Nope."

My boss leaned into me, "Anne, you sent out the invitation, right?"

"Yep, they went out Wednesday of last week."

"Nope. I didn't get an email," insisted El Diablo.

Incredulous, I asked, "Really? Because your assistant called me on Monday to RSVP for you...so...unless she has ESP, I..."

"THE ONLY REASON YOU HAVE THIS JOB IS BECAUSE I GIVE YOU BUSINESS!" said El Diablo.

(beat)

"No," I countered, "the only reason I have this job is because I'm a Red Sox fan." (true)

Sunset Village Motel, Denver, Colorado

I Put Bacon Bits on My Salad Today at Lunch

After a multi-year hiatus.

And you know what? I think it was a good decision.

Decent fake smoky flavorful surprise in every bite.

The Good Old Days

When you could have your baby photographed atop a live turkey.

HAPPY PRE-THANKSGIVING, PEOPLE!

Is everyone gettin' jazzed?

If You're Not Crazy

Clap your hands.

(I expect total silence from you, or you're lying.)

Buffalo Bills v. New England Patriots Tonight

Will Brady go 10 and 0 in Buffalo? I certainly don't hope so. Wouldn't it be swell if Buffalo wins this game and Tom asks for my number?

IT CAN HAPPEN!

I want some McDonald's french fries right now. I won't go get some, I'm just saying I want them. Tom might call and all.

Grandma Says it's Good

I don't know how else to explain it to you kids, but the only thing ridiculous about this video when it came out is just how ridiculously awesome it was.

True story.

Goodbye Gin & Tonic, Hello, Jameson's Irish Whiskey

Sure, large, icy Bombay Sapphire and tonics with lime got through me the sweatyhot summer of '07. But these cocktails can be dangerous. And they could have been a factor in The Biggest Black Hole of Judgement Ever Exemplified By Dude After a Second Date:

She's a Great Girl. I Had a Great Time. I Think I'll Send Her an Unsolicited Picture Phone Shot of My Aroused Man Stuff.

(YES, it was the first time I had seen it. YES, it was small. NO, I haven't deleted it. YES, it's been seen by the entire office and more)

Oh, well. I never saw that coming! Literally. Phew! Dodged a bullet. And here I thought he had potential! He graduated from a NESCAC school for crying out loud!



Sigh. What an asshole.

But I digress. There's a refreshing November chill in the air, yo. Finally. And that means it's time for some Jameson's. So, bring it. Bring. It. On.

And enjoy.

Cheers! Rather, Sláinte!

And if under the influence of this delicious caramel nectar of the gods should you ever decide to send me a dirty picture via your cellphone, decide again, won't you? Keep your junk to yourselves, yo. That is, unless I ask for it*. Thanks.





*I won't ask.

Who Doesn't Love an Email Forward?

Normally I don't like email forwards unless they're chain mail threats or jokes about Bill Clinton and his insatiable sexual appetite (man, those are funny), but I thought this one was appropriate to share:


The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1988.



They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.



Their lifetime has always included AIDS.



The CD was introduced the year they were born.



They have always had an answering machine.



They have always had cable.



Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.



Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.



They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.



They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.



They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".



McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.



They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.



Do you feel old yet?

For the record, I felt old before I read this, but that's the way I roll, all glass half-empty style.

Where's the Beef?

I don't know, but I can tell you where the Meat and Potatoes are. Hosted by my peep, Carolyn Castiglia. She's married to a Dutchman. Isn't that weird?

Meat and Potatoes

Monday, November 26 at 8 pm
The Green Room
45 Bleecker Street

NYC

A show about growing up in "middle class" 'Merica, featuring stand-up and stories that examine a blue collar youth from the other side.

With:

Paul Case (Here TV)
Pat Candaras (Nick-at-Nite)
Kambri Crews (Comix)
Shawn Hollenbach (The Back Room)
Elon James White (Shades of Black)

Hosted by Carolyn Castiglia (VH1) and Baron Vaughn (Aspen Comedy Festival).

$12, with 50% off using discount code 8T2FOR1. Admission includes passes to see ukelele rapper Jon Braman! BYOB!

AA: It Just Means I'm Better Than You Is All

Initials can have an impact on people, so say some other people.

So, there you have it. AA. Actual proof I've only made it to the top because of my given name and surname. And stunning physical beauty. None of which I had any control over.

Boo.

Get Mortified in NYC on December 13, Yo!

That's right, we're less than a month out from another tremendous NYC edition of Mortified! I'd tell you to "save the date" but, it's probably in your best interest for me to encourage you to go a step further and order tickets NOW, as the show sells out.

Did I mention that the show sells out?

The show always sells out.

Not to brag or name drop or anything like a wicked jerk, but the Patron Saint of Angst, Ms. Judy Blume herself, came to--and fell in love with--the last Mortified show at Mo Pitkin's (RIP Mo Pitkin's).

Here's a photo of me with Judy where I look like a crazed lunatic who is madly in love with her (which I am, so I suppose it makes sense but it's borderline creepy, clearly) and the usually stunning Brandy Brandy Barber on the right, looking like a larger-than-life Mrs. Beasley, and the only one in the photo who looks amazing and remotely sane is Judy in the middle, and that's how it should be.


In short, what I'm saying is, if you want to see this show, get off your fat can and make it happen!

The Tank

presents

Mortified

Thursday, December 13, 2007 ~8 p.m.

Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers.

Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, The Onion AV Club, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Candy, and more, Mortified is a comic excavation of teen angst artifacts (journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories, and more) as shared by their original authors before total strangers. As the largest and longest-running project of its kind, our grassroots comedy collective has spent years sifting through hundreds of otherwise forgotten notebooks on a mission to celebrate the extraordinary lives of ordinary people. Mortified is co-produced in New York by Brandy Barber & Anne Altman.


Presale tickets: $10 (Day of show $12) Buy tickets here!

www.getmortified.com

The Tank

279 Church Street

New York, NY 10013

(Btn Franklin and White)

Two Girls One Cup

I'm in the dark about scatological pornography, but apparently there's a video flying around the internet featuring two chicks and a cup of poo. I haven't seen it, but from the way Greenberg just described it, the poo doesn't stay in the cup.

Before you run out and watch Two Girls One Cup, be forewarned: Greenberg claims that viewing this feel good flick has ruined his life.

Have a great morning!

Douche of the Week: A New Series

The title of this post is lame, and I apologize for that. Admittedly it's a little bit of a cop out. Is it really specific enough to garner any interest? It's also a tad misleading, as Douche of the Week could mean a huge couple of douches from last week (including but not limited to the Director of Catered Events at City Crab)I mean, which week are we talking about? And there were like 5 major douchebags just today, so, what does that mean other than making the Douche of the Week a tough call. I simply don't know.

Anyway, when I have my wits about me, I'll explain my week and the stuff that happened to me. It's full of so many douches you're going to roll your eyes right out of your heads. So, so many douches.

Peace.

Ready? Oh-Kay!

Ok, ladies! I'm talking to you out of the side of my face because this side of my face is my best side and all Sea Gals show their best sides, don't we gals? Now listen up! I'm going to do roll call! So everybody cheer if you're here! Bananahead?

Here!

Ol' Crazy Eyes?

Here!

Pissy Chick?


Here. Geez.

Toofy?

Here-ff!

Great! Now let's really cheer! Ready? Oh-Kay! Repeat after me! I said a Boom Chicka Boom!

I said a Boom chicka boom. Geez.

Um, Pissy Chick? Ok. Maybe you didn't get the memo? But cheerleaders are supposed to, like, cheer? Okay? And honestly, the only reason we've kept you around so long is because you do the best smoky eye of all the Sea Gals, but honestly? Seriously? You're fired. So, totally pack your tits and go. Leave the smoky eyeliner.

Did you just fart? Geez.