Monday, April 17, 2006


My mother is quite brilliant and knows everything. But it's really all in a good way, not like "Wow, what a bitch" kind of way. She knows everything because she reads everything, and we all know that reading is FUNdamental. The woman does nothing half-assed. When she wanted to learn about football a few years ago, she got every book on the subject for Christmas. A month later, she was watching her Patriots in the Superbowl, sketching offensive plays on a napkin and trying to explain them to my Dad.

When she read that The Lord of the Rings trilogy was going to be made, she went back and re-read the whole series including the Hobbit before she saw the movie. Hard core. She probably knows that crazy Hobbit language but won't admit it. My sister and I are in complete awe of her. In fact, most people are, but we more so, because we're her spawn and utterly retarded in comparison. For example, the first thing I do when I purchase a new electronic is plug it in. Then I throw out the instructions, then the box, then the receipt. Conversely, my mother recently self-wired her car for Bluetooth talk technology.

Since she knows everything, it was not a surprise that it was she who enlightened me years ago to the fact that the term "to gyp" (as in "to cheat") is actually a racial slur directed towards the Gypsy race and culture. Who knew? Mom did. Who didn't know? The Director of Human Resources I interviewed with recently. He reassured me, "This place doesn't gyp you out of vacation days."

"Well, that's a relief," I replied. "Good to know you're not acting like a faggot, trying to jew me down on benefits around here. I want to be able to drink like a mick and act like a polack, and I'll need some time off to do that."

1 comment:

newbluebaby said...

You should have told him that your relatives were gypsies. Then asked if you could repave his driveway for $100.