What are You Doing, New Year's, New Year's Eve?

This question always bites.

I'll be totally potted and potted face first in a potted plant at the Waldorf when the clock strikes midnight. A fitting way to wind up the year 2006. That When Harry Met Sally bullshit ending is really bullshit, isn't it?

How about a short list of awkward shit I've said to people in 2006 called


A Short List of Awkward Shit I've Said to People in 2006?

• I commented on a school photo of this friend of mine and said that he had a huge head and thankfully he grew into it. He was like, "What are you talking about?" And I assumed that a melonhead like that must know to some degree how large his head is, but I guess he doesn't, so that was awkward.

• At Katie's Bakery (a local bakery run out of Katie's kitchen) to pick up some Christmas dinner pie orders, I said, "Wow, Katie, your kitchen smells wonderful! If I lived here, I'd weigh 400 lbs." Which I meant as a nice cheerful compliment, but as I said it, Katie's 400 lb husband walked in the room. So, you know, awkward.

• I blamed a fart on my sister at the dinner table in front of guests in Vermont. I totally called her out and she protested and I made her open up all the windows. But it actually wasn't her. It was one of our guests. He totally owned up to it. Yes, hilarious and awkward on all levels. I could have sworn it was one of my sister's rips.

• I had a shouting match with the night manager of this dinky neighborhood drugstore. He was being a huge dick to me about the stupid ghetto photocopier machine in the back. On my way out I said shit like, "I'm one of your best customers! I'm never shopping here again! You can kiss my business goodbye and my ass while you're at it, you fucking prick!" A proud exit like that and I stayed away about a week. I just pull my hat down over my eyes a bit now. I don't think he recognizes me. Do you think he recognizes me?

Happy New Year, kids. Here's to shutting my pie hole a bit in 2007.