Thanks a Lot, Rain

I was thinking about hosting an intimate cocktail soiree this weekend on the roof deck. And by intimate, I mean, people aren't naked, but just it's a tiny group of people. Moot now, it's all moot now, because there's a 50% chance of thunder n' lightning. Not good. Fine for me, but I'm sure there'd be someone worrying about their hair, and someone else who has stuff to live for would be worried about being struck by lightning. Whatevs.

Last time I had the roof deck party, there was a storm, and someone ate some lightning. Here's a photo: (follow the lightning to see my apartment roof deck)


So embarrassing as a host! Never again.

Today's Heat Index

Sweaty bologna.

Joanne, Do the Right Thing

You ate the food, you drank the wine, now send me a check for 50 bucks.

Sorry, people, I'm still dumbfounded by this. I love how he starts each message, "Hi Joanne, it's Darren cawlling..." like that's necessary after fifty friggin' messages.

Darren L. Sherman. Seriously unbelievable tool. The guy is the CEO of a company supposedly. Come on, Darren, don't they teach you in business school that you gotta spend money to make money you cheap fuckin' bastard?

Good grief, do I hate cheap.

Arrogance, rudeness, cheapness. My top three least favorite characteristics in a person, I think. Oh, and cruelty. I'm not a fan of cruelty. That's probably number one. But cheap is second.

Let's Discuss Why You're Annoying

A majority of my day is spent pondering peoples' oddities and why they're fuckin' weirdos.

You Can Tell a Lot About a Person

Once when my sister and I were walking down the street we saw a banana peel on the sidewalk. Without discussing it first, we simultaneously threw our legs out and did a fake slip/fall combined with a "WWWHHOOOOAAAAAA!"

I happen to think that people can be broken down into two types:

1) The person who sees a banana peel on the sidewalk and does the "WHHOOOOOAAAAA!"
2) The person who sees the banana peel on the sidewalk and keeps walking

What a Great Gift Idea!

Apple Sitter Set - #45066

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, this set of 8 characters will keep you feeling well for a long time. Add personality to the kitchen counter or window sill. Hand-painted polyresin with dangling legs and posable arms. Each approx. 4 3/4"H.

Price: $14.99

Availability: In Stock.

You mean I can get a set of crap (with dangling legs and posable arms) to dust and clutter up my kitchen for only $14.99? Surely I've died and gone to heaven? If not, I hope there are hand-painted polyresin characters with dangling legs and posable arms waiting for me when I get there.

It's Summer and That Means:

IT'S SHOPRITE'S SUMMERTIME CAN CAN SALE!

So that in turn means:

Now's the time to stock up while the values last!

Hi-C Blast Drinks 4 for $6 Must buy 6
Tuttorosso Tomatoes 12 for $5.99 Must buy 12
Starkist Solid White Tuna 6 oz. 3 for $2 Must buy 2
Friskies Cat Food 24 for $6.99 Must buy 24

Get in there and do some damage to them there cans why don'tcha?

OH MY GOOD GOD

And I thought my date was cheap. I am beside myself.

Literally beside myself. Hi, Anne, what are you doing on that side of me? Oh, nothing, just hanging out beside you. Oh, ok.

It's yuah cawl. Do the right thing. It's yuah cawl. Mail me the fifty dowlahs you owe me.

Holy shit!!!

Bump

I asked my pregnant coworker:

"Aren't you a little embarrassed about being pregnant, because everyone knows you like, did it."

"No."

"Oh."

"You're weird."

"Whatevs. Everyone knows you did it."

Our Office Cafeteria Has Everything But a Booger Bar

1. Ice Cream bar
2. Hot Dog bar
3. Salad bar
4. Pasta bar

Oh, and a real bar, of course. By real, I mean booze, obviously.

#5096 Why I Could Never Be a Doctor

I cut my foot opening the hallway door this afternoon. Came close to taking the pinky off (who needs it anyway?). I was in the middle of conversation with someone so that stifled the profanities I would have shouted had I been alone. Anyway, I learned a few things.

1. Closed toe shoes help when you do something fucking stupid like open a door on your foot. And here I was ragging on a twat I saw this morning with slouchy black boots.
2. Don't open a door without first looking down on your feet
3. My own cut is so gross I almost barf just looking at it through the bandaid so "Be a doctor" is off the "What Should I Do When I Grow Up" list once again.

Tales From a Restaurant #1

The Altman family has eaten at so many restaurants over the years that the stories are endless. One particular time when I was a little kid we went to the Ground Round. For those of you who have never been treated to a meal there, let me tell you about it. It's claim to fame was not the menu nor the service, but the peanut shells that covered the floor. That about covers the Ground Round.

My dad saw "Homemade Apple Pie" on the menu. The man cannot resist homemade apple pie. But being that we were at the Ground Round, he was understandably suspicious.

"The apple pie is homemade?" he asked.
"Uh huh," she replied.
"It's not Table Talk."
"Nope."

When the pie arrived, it had that perfect machine-made lattice-top crust. It was a perfect triangle slice. My father eyeballed it with a sigh. The man was pissed. I was scared for the waitress. Very scared. He summoned her.

"This is Table Talk."
"No, it isn't."
"You're telling me this isn't Table Talk."
"Right."
"Look at this pie. You're telling me this is homemade?"
"Well, it was made in somebody's home."

Some Great Advice For Christie Brinkley

Dear Christie,
I know this is a tough time for you right now, with your 4th husband fooling around on you and whatnot. He wants to reconcile, but you know it's quite possibly over. You know what this means: It's time that pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get married again. Nothing takes the sting out of a failed relationship than another failed relationship! Go for it! What have you got to lose?
Love,
Anne


P.S. You're wicked good at weddings (especially the one on the ski slopes, remember that one?)

What Is the Best Fruit In the World?

If you said Plums, you'd be wrong. There's a guy in my office who says his favorite fruit is the plumb. ABSURD! That's like, quite possibly the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.

If We Could Rid the World of B.O.

What a wonderful world it would be...

Anne's Thoughts On: My Laminating Machine

I never bought you. I did aquire you. Did I steal you? No. Steal isn't the correct word. Forgot to return you is more like it. I'm considering adding you to the list, you know the list, the list of the doomed, part of the 9 things that will be tossed.
Why? Well, honestly, when was the last time I used you? When was the last time I laminated something, anything? I know, I know, what if I need to laminate something and I already tossed you? 'Tis a pickle. A tormenting pickle. A pickle that torments. I'm eating a pretzel right now, should I laminate that?

This Is My 700th Post

Wow. I'm...I'm...fecund. And in honor of my 700th post, I'm going to reveal to you the first thing I realized I needed but threw away as part of the 9 Things a Day Project: watering can. I bought a silly plant today, and how do we water silly plants? With silly watering cans. But not anymore! A silly glass will suffice. No need to keep a silly watering can around for one silly plant. That's just silly.

And so is this, my 700th post. Congratulations, me!

Oh, me, you shouldn't have!

Well, someone had to.

Yeah, you're right. Yay me!

And you!

Office Space By Bunnies

See the bunnies do it Office Space style! Poached from that Casual Slack (see sidebar, blogger's being a booger)

Things My Mother Hates Part 2

Oh, Oprah

"When I was 22 years old and working as a TV anchor in Baltimore, there was a young production assistant in the newsroom, Gayle King. One night there was a snowstorm and she couldn't get home. I said, 'Hey, you can spend the night at my house.' She said, 'I don't have any panties.' I said, 'Well, I do. I have clean panties, and once I give 'em to you, you don't have to give 'em back.'"

- Oprah Winfrey

Oh, Oprah. 4 things:

1. I think you're great.
2. I think your friend Gayle has teeth made for radio.
3. I think despite rumors you're not lesbians with each other.
4. Why did you have to go and use the p word? And twice?

Good Grief.

If You Throw a Piece Of Cheese In Your Back Yard Something Will Eat It

We threw a funny-shaped piece of parmesan in the backyard. The next day, it had bite marks all on the inside, hollowed out by something with hamster-y hands. So when cleaning out the fridge, I figured the chicken sandwich that needed to be pitched would be put to better use out in the back yard as well.

The next day, the chicken was gone, but the black olives and artichokes remained. Racoons aren't so keen on black olives and artichokes, apparently, and I went on believing this and everyone I told the story to went on believing this.

But the next day, olives and artichokes were gone.

Gotta love recycling.

Bye Bye, Bags

Hey, people! Did you all have a lovely weekend? I did. I am 60 pounds lighter. No, I didn't lose my fat ass, but I did donate 3 bags o' stuff to Goodwill, and I feel good about it. The way I look at it, that's like at least 45 things, making me caught up on my 9 Things A Day Project which I blew off last week.

Though I did feel sad to donate Bear. He was looking at me through the clear plastic bag like, "I got you through the tough times. This is where I end up?" Now I say he was looking at me that way, but he and I both know that he was given to me in college and and kept in spectacular condition so as to be adoptable. It's going to take almost every fiber of my being not to swing by Goodwill and see how long it takes before he's snatched up. Oh, I hope it's not long!

I know, I'm sick. It's not like he was having fun in that plastic bag in the storage unit.

Hilary Swank is on the cover of Vanity Fair. She bugs me.

Battle of the Species

Puppy vs. Kitty : The best part about this flick is how the kitten surpise attacks ninja style
Cat vs. Puppy : The worst part about this flick is the pets' owner

Please Tell Me He Doesn't Belong To Us

bush and koizumi

I poached this photo from the Official Site of Grant Miller. Though I needed to see it, something inside me wishes I never did.

He Wasn't GoingTo Sit There and Listen To This

So pissed, you'd someone was trying to tell him the word potato isn't spelled with an "e".

I don't care what anybody says about John Cougar, John Cougar Mellencamp, or John Mellencamp,I love him. I always have.

Just ask Jack and Diane.

And You Thought I Was Skinny?

Please. I just read.

A Cure

I wasn't feeling so hot tonight, and something inside me was telling me to barf but I just couldn't. One look at this, however, and the barf came on like a mudslide. Thank you, Natural Nauseator!

If it didn't work, go here.

Fantastic Photo For Friday

Denim Poisoning

My Pet Fish Was a Crappy Soccer Player

So I beat him to death.

What? It was an accident.

Maybe you'll have better luck. Learn him something at Fish School.

I Love This Guy

I can see myself and this guy getting along very well. It sold my pops on the Winnebago we rented in 1980. Sound up, people. Warning to those in a workplace where words like f*ck, sh*t, godda*nit, and f*ck are frowned upon.

Blood Drive Today

But I'm sitting this one out, as I failed Blood Drive 101. Remember last time? The two hours to produce the pathetic half bag, the collapsed vein, the pamphlet on bruising? Ah, well. Bite me, I can't be good at everything.

A Little Vermont For Lunch

Only a leprechaun could make this shot more unbelievable.

Out for a little Night Kite

If you can't sit on a porch, you're not going to be able to hang.

The linen closet: Exemplification of my mother's supreme excellence

War on "Terror"

This phrase annoys me to no end. It's terrorism. We are trying to wage a war on terrorism. It's impossible to wage a war on terror, an emotion, let alone terrorism. I'm waging a War on Annoyance. Bush created this ignorant phrase, and now everybody else has to say it too because it's like an Emperor's New Clothes kind of thing. He says "sammiches" so now everybody else has to say "sammiches" so he doesn't get mad and pout. But I didn't run for President and therefore wasn't elected so, I have no say in all this even though I just said some stuff.

Since nobody gives a shit about Bin Laden, can we finally get this terrorist behind bars? Bitch is easy to catch, she's all over the place. Talk about terrifying. I suspect she's got a forked snake tongue.

Elephant Dreams

I had a dream last night that I found two elephants in some old guy's apartment way out in Queens somewhere. It was a fifth story walkup, and a real dump. I found them lifeless and listless in the bedroom near the closet, near death. One was a baby, the other was a young adult. So, then I panic about how I'm going to get them out of there before the guy comes home. Suddenly there was a key in the door, and I'm freaking out, trying to think of a story about why I was in his house. "Oh, is this your apartment? Wow, I must be lost." Then I awoke in a cold sweat.

I can still remember all the junk he had on his kitchen table.

Um, Hello, I Thought This Was a Free Country

What, now the government has the right to say what we can and can't keep in our own refrigerators in the privacy of our own homes? I mean, honestly! It's pretty ridiculous.

Seriously, where's the crime?

I'm serious.

Wicked Fun Blog Quiz

That "Next Blog" button can really take you places. Terrible places.


Huey Lewis totally cancelled on me for Game Night at Anne's. He said the News would swing by, but they never showed either. Rude, right? I know. Lame. Pretty pathetic considering it isn't news that they weren't even the news when they were the News. Pretty shitty way to treat such a generous hostess such as myself, one who invites celebrities into my home on a regular basis to play board games, but what can I say other than they just weren't raised right. Right? I'm putting the Port Wine Cheese and the grapes back into the refrigerator. In Game Night at Anne's stead, I've created little game to involve you, my loyal readers. It's a wicked fun blog quiz I'd like to call, Wicked Fun Blog Quiz.

Your instructions are to first read the blog, learn as much as you can, and then resume reading this post. Remember, I understand that this is a wicked fun blog quiz, but take it seriously, as there'll be a quiz. Slacker.


Read This Blog Now.

.
.
.
. Almost done?
.
.
.
.
.
.How about now?




Time's up.




Ok.





Here goes.





Quiz:

Train A, traveling 70 miles per hour (mph), leaves Westford heading toward Eastford, 260 miles away. At the same time Train B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Eastford heading toward Westford. How many times does this woman need to be punched in the face?


Answer will be revealed at close of business tomorrow. Good luck!

Humor? Not really.

HAHAHAHAHA working late means some things are funnier than they really are. I just came across the name Andrew Wigfall.

HAHAHHAHA! Wigfall! Absurd! The only thing that could possibly make that name funnier would be if his name was Harry. Harry Wigfall.

What's wrong, Wigfall? What'd your wigfall?

Ha. Ahem. Ok, maybe not funny, but the funniest thing that's happened to me in the last couple of hours. Right, styrofoam cup?

Right, Anne!

Thanks, styrofoam cup. It's good to know you're keeping me company here now that everyone's gone home.

Heh, heh. Wigfall.

What Kind Of Ice Cream Did Grama Altman Have in the Freezer?

If you guessed "Whatever's On Sale" Flavor, then you'd be right!

Oh, Gram. She's not around anymore, but I'm going to visit the old stomping grounds in a few weeks, so I've got her on my mind. Olean (home of the Altman stronghold and...and....well, St. Bonaventure University is there) here I come! There will be beef, beer and me, the queer...

so get used to it.

There's the Rub

Ok, I can't say that celebrity chef Mario Batali is a bloated alcoholic because I've not met him yet and can't prove it. I also can't say that his buddy Michael Stipe from R.E.M. is a wicked bad tipper, because he's never personally tipped me. That unsaid, I'd like to share with you what looks like a great Batali dry rub recipe for grilling meat (or vegetables) from one of the pages I stole from one of the magazines at the doctor's office.

Bloated Batali Dry Rub Mix

This can be made in advance: salt, sugar, black pepper, thyme, ancho chiles and rosemary. Grind it up in a coffee grinder. Rub it on the meat to be grilled four hours in advance, and the seasoning and tenderizing effect is amazing; it acts almost like curing. That, and remember why your grill comes with a lid--to get the smoke effect and let you cook things slower.

Owner of a Lonely Heart

One of my friends went to see YES at Madison Square Garden a few years ago. Like I am, he's kind of weird. I asked him, "How was the YES show?" And he said, "It was weird." So, that's pretty fuckin' weird. YES is weird, YES fans are weird. I happen to think YES is awesome. Anyone else love YES? No?

ELO Fun Fact

ELO did not record the song "Love is Like Oxygen" like you thought. That song is by the band The Sweet.

So, the next time you're humming it and lovin' it like you do, keep that mind so that the props are properly appropriated.

I do realize that this post is by me for me, but whatevs, you learned something didn't you? Ok, maybe you learned that I'm old, but whatevs x 2. I'm proud. Or is it loud? Whatevs x 3.

"Let" Her Cry?

Oh, don't worry Hootie. Tell your Blowfish not to worry either. I'm sobbing my eyes out all on my own because your song "Let Her Cry" just came on the radio and it sucks so much, it's so unbelievably bad that I...

I...

I...

I need to excuse myself.

Excuse me.

A Couple of Post Lunch Observations About Myself

1. I chose a little of the three bean salad.
2. I chose the tomato soup.
3. I took a few bites/sips of each and put them into the refrigerator to live with all the other lunches I've tossed in there to die since Monday.
4. I have a little garlic breath.
5. The three bean isn't as good as my Grama Altman's
6. Because of 1, 2, and 3, I am becoming my grandmother*.

*When I was in college and she was in her eighties and stubbornly still living alone at home, she'd ask me what I wanted for dinner as she struggled to open the refrigerator door. Inside there'd be a tiny crumpled up piece of tin foil with what looked like half a sole of a leather shoe in it. "Well, we could have this."

When y'all come over to my place in 50 years, that's what's for dinner.

Love Me, Love My Pirate Bikini

Jones Beach last weekend was made only slightly more wonderful because of my new $12 black bikini. How do you get dudes who like dudes to pay attention to you at the beach? Throw some white skull n' crossbones on your left jug and on the right side of your can. It's the most tasteful of skull & crossbones bikinis that I've ever come across, and let me tell you something I rocked it, mateys. What can I say? Death becomes me.

This link about the town in which I was raised might explain a little about my salty personality, pirate blood and love for the sea. Arrrrggggh.

My Good Deed For Yesterday

"Blurred Memories", by Phong

Phong is an Asian elephant who was rescued as a baby from the streets of Bangkok and now lives in Northern Thailand at the Thai Elephant Conservatory. He began painting a few years ago at the Lampang Elephant Art Academy. He's also an accomplished xylophonist! Hello? Xylophonist! PHONG RULES! I purchased one of his paintings yesterday called "Blue Fields" here and it's gorgeous. Proceeds go to the Conservatory. They need all the help they can get to save more of these beautiful, amazing animals from poachers and their rapidly disappearing natural habitats. People suck, people. Good grief, do I hate people. But I love people who save elephants because I love elephants.

Elephant dung makes great paper, apparently, as it's all grass and good for the enviroment and stuff. This is a cool video that shows you an elephant painting a bouquet of flowers.

Wanpen, Flowers, #68

It's so cool! Then it shows you elephants taking dumps and how they make the paper. See art for sale at wonderful prices the gallery here. Proceeds support the elephants themselves and also to children to educate them and build awareness.

Elephants don't (and won't) forget your kindness...

Reason #739 Why I Could Never Be a Doctor

In the elevator this morning, before I had had my coffee, the elevator stopped at 5. A man got in with a taped gauze pad in a really awkward spot between his eye and his nose.

As disgusting as it was, I must say it was a friendlier sight than the two twats already on the elevator when I got on at 7. I've got a lot of bitchy broads in my building who make you feel like an asshole for acknowledging them with a hello. So, I quit years ago. Sometimes I do it just to fuck with them. But not in the morning. I'm not a morning person.

One of the women standing behind me must have known Mr. Bandage Face.

She: What happened?
He: Oh, I had a blocked tear duct.

Now I'm choking back a little puke...blocked tear duct? How does it get blocked and blocked with what? Bleeechhhhhh!

She: Oh.
He: Yeah, the doctor tried to free it up a little bit...

Now I might not be able to choke it back...free it up a little bit? Good god.

She: Well, feel better.
He: Thanks.

What about me? ? ?

The Latest Finger-In-the-Chili Trick, Or the Real Deal?

I learned it from watching you, Dad, I learned it from watching you!

I Told You He Was a Bug-Eyed Jug-Headed Idiot

Even the dude in the plaid is thinking, "Sure, I'm an idiot. And quite possibly a jug head. But I'm not bug-eyed, eleven pounds, or wearing a yellow rubber bracelet like that fag! Heh heh. Fag."

Things To Do Before You Die #2

My friend Jimmie swears by buying a pack of tightie whities and a bottle of brown shoe polish, combining the two in a creative way, and dropping the result in the Blockbuster return vault along with your movie. Apparently the hiding time behind the obstruction of your choice while waiting for the reaction is well worth it.

And I believe him.

I Didn't Need To See That

What: A dork dad and a can't-help-but-be a-dork-kid, razor-ing their way to places they needed to be this morning.


In helmets.


Oh, god.

Game Night at Anne's With Paris Hilton

When Paris comes over to my place to play Memory, she always asks why we play it standing up, and I always tell her because it's more fun that way. But it's really because I don't let her sit on my upholstery.

Something to Celebrate

The heatwave has broken!

Something not so cool: I shouldn't have had the vegetable soup. Now I feel like I'm going to barf. Vegetable soup. How's that for a visual? Hope you've eaten already, kids!

I'm Not a Hypocrite All the Time

If you walk down the hall or street and your shoes are exceptionally noisy, I will give you a dirty look.








I just walked down the hall to the cafetorium, and my shoes were exceptionally noisy. I gave myself a dirty look.

Pop Goes the Button

I just popped a button. Cheap dress or fat ass?



Hmmmmm....



I'm going with cheap dress*.



*It is in fact, quite cheap. Cheap in a bad way, but whatevs, the people seem to like it. I bought it because it was the next best thing to naked in this heat. Now if only it can remain in tact the rest of the day...

One of My Favorites

Let's Talk Nerf

At the lake a few weeks ago, we re-discovered the joy of Nerf with a fake Nerf.

I'm lying at the end of the dock, just having snapped a picture of the fake Nerf flying mid-air as the nerf was tossed back and forth in the water.

What we learned:

1. Nerfs (or at least fake Nerfs) aren't waterproof. They get soggy and heavy and pieces start to fall out of their spongy constitution.
2. It's fun while it lasts.

Nerf was most likely created as an answer to the dangerous toys from the 70s like Jarts. Part of the fun of Jarts in addition to managing to get the lawn dart to land inside the ring, was the risk that it would land in one's thigh, or better yet, someone else's thigh. That is, of course, if you didn't consider a trip to the emergency room a buzzkill on a family reunion.

But, Nerf still does spell summer.

You can get a decent spiral going with a Nerf, but not as good as a traditional football I find (a smaller version of a traditional football, for smaller meathooks like mine). Nonetheless, the Nerf brings back memories. Nerf was there when I had my first crush on a boy. Nerf was there when I drank my first beer. Nerf was there when I was arrested for the first time. And in the big house? Nerf was there.

Now kids are obese and don't know what a Nerf is. Makes me wonder if they're admitted to the emergency room these days because they think it's edible.

The End is Near

A mentally lame fundamentalist as President of the United States, World War III, tsunamis, hurricanes, melting ice caps, a boiling ocean, the removal of Charleston Chews from the office cafeteria, and now fire ants are on the rise??? The world is indeed blazing like a Duraflame. I'd say bring on the locusts, but I think we skipped a chapter. It wouldn't make a difference anyway. The more the merrier.

Anneurysm #1

On office dress code:

You don't have to look your personal best provided Susan shows up; she always looks more like shit than you do.

That's Not Cool

"Con Edison has asked the Building's management to reduce the electrical load between the hours of 1:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m. today. The Building will be cutting back their electrical load and running their emergency generator. The Property Manager is asking all of the tenants to reduce their electrical load wherever possible. Please turn your lights off when you leave your office, and when you leave this evening, please turn off your computer in addition to logging off. This will go a long way in helping us comply with Con Edison's request."

Lame. But it hasn't been too bad. Hour two has approached, and still seems relatively cool... in...here....THUD

His and Hers Celebrity Outfits For Sale

Dear Lover,
Let's go out on the town tonight, shall we? I will wear this and you will wear this.
Love,
Lover

Ready For Freddy

(picture here a Red Sox bikini on a mannequin. It has since disappeared. Blogger genies or police or whatevs have removed it)

I'm goin' back to the lake and the beach in fine style! But I've got to say, I look better in it than this broad does ecause I have a better tan and a head and stuff.

I'm So Fetus

Scientists believe that the position in which you sleep says a lot about your personality.

Me? I'm textbook Fetus, with a dash of The Yearner.

To see a diagrams of the six positions studied by Professor Idzikowski
click here.


The Foetus (41%): Those who curl up in the foetus position are described as tough on the outside but sensitive at heart. They may be shy when they first meet somebody, but soon relax. This is the most common sleeping position, adopted by 41% of the 1,000 people who took part in the survey. More than twice as many women as men tend to adopt this position.


Log (15%): Lying on your side with both arms down by your side. These sleepers are easy going, social people who like being part of the in-crowd, and who are trusting of strangers. However, they may be gullible.

The Yearner (13%): People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it.

Soldier (8%): Lying on your back with both arms pinned to your sides. People who sleep in this position are generally quiet and reserved. They don't like a fuss, but set themselves and others high standards.

Freefall (7%): Lying on your front with your hands around the pillow, and your head turned to one side. Often gregarious and brash people, but can be nervy and thin-skinned underneath, and don't like criticism, or extreme situations.

Starfish (5%): Lying on your back with both arms up around the pillow. These sleepers make good friends because they are always ready to listen to others, and offer help when needed. They generally don't like to be the centre of attention.
The remainder of those in the poll said the position they fell asleep varied or did not know.

I've Got To Stop Working Out So Little

I was just leaving the ladies' room and pulled the handle off the door. Here are the five stages of emotions I encountered:

1. Surprise (regarding my super human strength)
2. Fear (that I'd be locked inside)
3. Relief (when I realized I could use the handle as a tool to open the door)
4. Pride (regarding my super-human strength)
5. Resignation (that I had to go back to my desk)

The mind and body are fascinating, no?

What If?

What if your name was Norbert Eggebert. Your parents could be considered mean, right?

Where My Boob At?

Love What?

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure

(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah

Two by two and side by side
Love's gonna find you yes it is
You just can't hide
You'll hear it call
Your heart will fall
Then love will fly
It's gonna soar
I don't care for any casanova thing
All I can say is
Love stinks

(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah

I've been through diamonds
I've been through minks
I've been through it all
Love stinks

(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah

~

LOVE STINKS

J. Geils Band

__________

Love Stinks: The second reason why the J. Geils Band is tremendous.

The first reason? Duh, they're from Boston, so suck it. Do you remember the hullabaloo surrounding Stephen Bladd's appearance at Amy Somers's bat mitzvah? Of course you do! That is naturally, if you were invited. Oh, I'm sorry, were you not invited? Yikes. Wow, awkward.

Go Sox!

Calgon, Take Me Away! Back There From Whence I Came

Me, my peeps, and a beach.

Jones Beach, 7/16/06



~

Dave, Jones Beach, NY, 7/16/06

Nice Box

For all the high society bashing I've been doing of late (and my entire life), I will admit that in this blazing humidity, it was great being better than everyone else tonight at Yankee Stadium. Sure, I had to ride the subway and stand in line at Gate 4 with the sweaty plebes, but I knew once I reached the Mickey Mantle Suite, Loge 13, things were going to change: Some of us were to remain sweaty, and some of us weren't. I knew which one I was.

And when I arrived, the air conditioner was blasting, the food and booze were out, I got a seat in the front row, and the game (and several television sets) was just about to start.

Though to be completely honest with you, it could have been a tiny bit colder, and I'm not one to complain about that kind of stuff, but I'm just saying.

Anyway, the Yanks beat the Mariners, but the Sox beat the Royals, so nah nah nah nah nah nahhhh. We're still a half game ahead, and I got to get out of my sweltering apartment for the evening. Lord knows I can't afford to crank the AC like the stadium did.

Or should have, rather. The Yanks have the biggest payroll in all the land. They couldn't have helped a sister out? Why is the coldest place I can get is the lobby of my office building? I'm only there twice a day, and that's when I least likely have time (or want) to hang around in there and enjoy it. Life = not fair.

The point of this story: Once in a great while, people like me and give me stuff and I take it.


GO RED SOX

Anne's Plan To Beat the Summer Heat

Scoring a free ticket in the air conditioned luxury box at Yankee Stadium for tonight's game vs. the Seattle Mariners... and rooting for the Mariners!

Wooo hooo! I'm cooling off already. I'm not even wearing any blue today. Fantastic. I'm wearing a snappy dress, it's black. The color of my heart.






GO RED SOX!

Song In My Head at the Moment

One life Im gonna live it up
Im takin flight I said Ill never get enough
Stand tall Im young and kinda proud
Im on top as long as the musics loud

If you think Ill sit around as the world goes by
Youre thinkin like a fool cause its a case of do or die
Out there is a fortune waitin to be had
You think Ill let it go youre mad
Youve got another thing comin

Thats right heres where the talkin ends
Well listen this night therell be some action spent
Drive hard Im callin all the shots
I got an ace card comin down on the rocks

If you think Ill sit around while you chip away my brain
Listen I aint foolin and youd better think again
Out there is a fortune waitin to be had
You think Ill let it go youre mad
You got another thing comin

In this world were livin in we have our share of sorrow
Answer now is dont give in aim for a new tomorrow

Oh so hot no time to take a rest yeah
Act tough aint room for second best
Real strong got me some security
Hey Im a big smash Im goin for infinity yeah

If you think Ill sit around as the world goes by
Youre thinkin like a fool cause its a case of do or die
Out there is a fortune waitin to be had
You think Ill let it go youre mad
Youve got another thing comin

-Judas Priest (duh)

Ah the good old days. I want to go back. Ok, they weren't really good then, but there was hope for good things in the future, a fortune waiting to be had!

Where the hell's my fortune?

Forgive Me, I'm a Little Sick

I just perused the New York Social Diary's Weekend in the Hamptons Part I, and I don't recommend it. Weekend in the Hamptons II is coming up, and, well, with the barf on the keyboard and all, it's looking unlikely that I can stomach it. Help desk? Oh, Help Desk!

Some highlights from the Bastille Day Party at Mr and Mrs. YouWeren'tInvited's house:

Dressed to ill.

This seat is saved for an old bag.

The wealthy can't keep their balls out of the pool (yet the French don't do it enough)

I Feel So Good If I Just Say the Word

Su Sussudio...






No I don't. That shit doesn't work. Screw you, Phil Collins.

Let's Put Our Heads In the Sand Awhile, Shall We?

Since the world is burning and there is no end in sight, why don't we have a little fun? With our remaining moments, let's take a look at none other than The New York Social Diary, "Your link to society."

Your link to society! How clever! What they're saying is, The only way you'll penetrate this society is via computer to look at pictures of us, society people, who are better than you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Get it? oh we society folk are so funny! HAHAHAHAHAHA Ouch, oh, dear, I think my face ripped.

Ok. There are so many party pictures this time of year, so many benefits in the city and in the Hamptons, it's so hard to choose.

Here's a nice appetizer:



Clearly the wide pasted white smiles of the two forgettable twats in the front are supposed to be the focus of this picture. They think they are, anyway, and that's funny. Miss Tan With Designer Dress is thinking, "I've planned this outfit/tan/jewelry combination for months and all eyes better be on ME!"The one on the right is smiling in a way that says, "Hi! What's UP?I just barfed up my lunch!"

What's funnier, are the three pissed off wicked step sisters in the background, the ones passed over for the photo opp. Debutante on the far left is having another bad day, just having been berated that morning by Mummy for being a fatso. Chick in the red and white on the right is pretty happy to have made it so close to the camera, that she's going to put on a smile just in case she makes it into the frame. Lucky bitch. But who is peering out above her right shoulder? Or should I say, sneering out? Seconds after this photo was taken, Ms. Sneer ripped the hair right out of someone's head and had to be dragged out screaming.

For the main course, we're having:








That's right, sausage legs! Flanked with split ends in assorted colors.


Enjoy!


Make sure to stick around for dessert, ok?

Three Reasons Why This Humid Weather Is Fantastic!

1. _______
2. _______
3. _______

I've got nothing.

Oh, Yeah, Annoying Boy Name!

41) Brody

Bush on Global Warming

A very, very, very special announcement. If you know what I mean.

Will Ferrell - Bush on Global Warming on Transbuddha

Maude Monday!

And then there's Maude! And then there's Maude!

For those of you not familiar with Maude, it was a sitcom ahead of it's time. A spinoff of All in the Family, Maude stars Bea Arthur as a Maude Findlay, feminist Democrat and cousin of Edith Bunker. There are several reasons to love this show. In addition to the several stars in the cast, Maude's 70's fashions are reason enough.

I miss Maude. I enjoyed the show in syndication (even though I was really too young to understand it) because Bea Arthur is a rip. I've got to 'on demand' these episodes somewhere or buy the DVDs.

Have a happy Maude Monday, everybody.

Smooches!

I went to see sharp-as-scissors sisters Brandy Barber and Sara Allocco's variety show, The Kissing Booth: America is COOL! at the D-Lounge last night. Was it hot? I'll say! Hot enough to be called The Makin' Out Tough Booth, people, and I'm a prude!

Let's see, in addition to the two hot twats who host the thing, guests included Sean Crespo, Matt McCarthy, Jack Kukoda, and the lovely Brooke Van Poppelen. Special appearances by The Royal We's Jerry Miller (who mooned the audience) and blogosphere's very own Matt Sears! (he worked a fine door). See sidebar for more details on these peeps as blogger is ANNOYING!

So I wore a pretty pink frock, had a few drinks, enjoyed the ha-has and then pestered Brian Van Nieuwenhoven to take my picture. TAKE MY PICTURE! TAKE MY PICTURE! He didn't seem too interested in taking my picture, in fact, he seemed averse to taking my picture. Yet he seemed quite interested in taking everyone else's picture. Except when I might be in the picture.

Why would he discriminate? What you think you're better than me (I), Brian Van Niewenhoven? What, you think all these other people are better than me (I)? I looked pretty in pink, for cryin' out loud!

Doesn't he know who I am?

I mean, was?

I mean, whatever, man. So what, I got the dress at Target. You didn't know that.

If you've got to beg a photographer to take your picture, I mean, well...

Finally I kicked him in the balls a few times and here's one of me with the King of the Fire Bushes, Matt McCarthy:

Another with me and Jerry Miller, who looks like one of Jerry's Kids or Jerry's Fund in this picture. He hails from Buffalo but happens to be a Red Sox fan, and people need to know this because it might be his greatest quality. I appear also a little retarded:

View the rest of the photos here, and see the one of me, Sara and Matt Sears. It may explain a little about why the photographer was avoiding me. Why can't I just take a nice picture?

Bloodbath & Beyond: 20 Years Of GWAR

From the deep annals of Antartica, my dear friends GWAR are having a great year: 'Tis their 20th anniversary, and they're celebrating with a new album and Fall tour. Sadly I missed their appearance at Sounds of the Underground in NJ yesterday! I went last year and it was a bloody nightmare, not a clean t-shirt in the crowd when it was all said and done, thanks in part to the magical and relentless failure Bobby Gorman! Get to know him at www.bobgorman.com. Fun fact? This cat has a sister, who happens to be a dear friend (I'm dropping names faster than you can catch 'em, jerkoffs), and this lovely lady is none other than songstress and poet DeeAnne Gorman. Did you know such grace had a connection to such terribleness? You did not! Yet they coexist in peace and harmony! Fun fact! Fun fact!

A sweet excerpt of a GWAR interview in The Manitobian Online: “We can’t wait to get back to Canada because it is rock fucking city!” yelled Urungus. “Can’t wait to see you and dine on your filthy flesh! Toodles!” The whole article here.

See Dave Brockie (Oderus Urungus, overlord of Toilet Earth and lead singer of GWAR) unmasked in an exclusive back-of-a-van interview here. Check out the other videos on SLAVEPiTV of Gorgor and The Best Of GWAR: pretty much a lot of green blood abounds. Buy a CD, belt buckle, t-shirt, "neck"less or other sweet trinket on www.gwar.net. and support Dave's drug habit, will you? If you won't, who will?

Listen to their new single "School's Out For Summer" here! And last but not least, don't forget to join GWAR's Total Slavery Fan Club. Members are rewarded with instant death!

You're Telling Me

Why does Direct Deposit have to be so mean and comment on my salary with it's big emblazoned "THIS IS NOT A CHECK" across the front?

Hey, Thanks For the Crappy Sandwich

Sometimes you're just in the mood for a little sandwich. A couple slices of bread, lettuce, tomato, cheese, perhaps a few slices of turkey. But no, it's got to be complicated and annoying.

I just got a sandwich from a deli with 3 1/2 pounds of turkey on it, and it cost about 60 dollars. The bread has already slid off in a mustardy/mayonnaisey worthless pile, and it's impossible to eat. I've had to stick it in a bowl for cryin' out loud. A sandwich you have to eat in a bowl? Ridiculous.

Sometimes bigger isn't better. If you can't fit your mouth around something, is it really working out? No, it isn't.

Anne's New Part Time Job

I almost forgot to tell everyone about this sweet part time gig I just scored. You are looking at midtown Manhattan's new undercover Snack Cake Squeezer. Sure, it sounds strange, but let me explain.

I'm basically paid to go into local delis and supermarkets to squeeze the merchandise. Like the old broads in the old commericals used to do before the "Don't Squeeze the Charmin" guy came around screaming at them. Except I'm doing this clandestinely. If the merchandise that I squoze is still there a week or so later, all squished up and smushed, then the store gets busted, by me, for not changing their inventory in a timely fashion, and I get to keep the defective snacks all to myself.

So, I'm not actually paid in money, but with something far more valuable: tasty deliciousness. Do I care that my hands have been all over a Snowball or that my fingers have poked a Twinkie in half? Please. Ever punch a box of donuts right in the box? Donuts never see it comin'. Throttle Little Debbie with both hands? Elbow Dolly Madison in the pie? It's a great way to blow off some steam, I tell you. The worst part about the job is I have to say and see the word "snacks" a lot, and that's hard for me because it's one of my least favorite words.

But other than that, pretty sweet gig, huh? It doesn't get much sweeter.

People Say I'm Crazy

And that I remind them of Amy Sedaris. Clearly I'm flattered and not worthy. It's usually the gays that tell me so. I guess they're not trying to get into my pants. Anyhoodle, here's a clip of Amy on the Colbert Report promoting the new Strangers With Candy movie. There's tumbling!

Some Friday Afternoon Observations

1. If you are referred to a cardiologist because you've been plagued of late with abnormal heart palpitations that make you feel like you're about to have a stroke, don't expect them to schedule you right in. Expect them to put you on hold, and then transfer you to voicemail where you will leave a message and they won't call you back. When you call them back, they will be gone for the day, and the entire weekend, as a matter of fact, which is when you'll have your stroke. Convenient for all.
2. The low fat donuts my local bagelry (that's right, I said bagelry) were not moving. Now the case is empty. I think that the low-fat donut fad has ended before it started to take off.
3. I don't recommend eating an entire roll of Tropical Fruit Life Savers (save for the two you managed give away) because the payoff is pretty lame. Lame as in, there is no payoff.

Headiquette

Let's say you know someone who has a terrible hairdo that looks like a big curly pile of pubes on her head. Let's say also that she happens to be a huge bitch. Is it appropriate for you to say to her, "Hey, your hairdo looks like a big curly pile of pubes on your head."?

I mean, granted you're never going to see her again and all.

He's Perfect! But I Really Prefer Green Eyes

Have I Told You Lately How Much I Love Abraham Lincoln?

Well I do. I just finished reading another biography on him last night and actually got seriously sad at the end when he dies, and I knew it was coming. There were only three pages left, of course I knew it was coming!

I love him for so many reasons that I won't get into now because I need to get some lunch, but to say that he was a remarkable individual is a huge understatement. The dude simply can't be described in one word and he's misunderstood. I got pissed all over again at stupid John Wilkes Booth for taking him out! Sigh. Why didn't he take out somebody average?

The more I learn about Abraham the more I love him, and he'll always hold a special place in my heart because for as much as we differ (he was wicked tall, I'm wicked short, etc.) we have a lot in common. And with that, I will share my favorite Abraham Lincoln quote for you:

"Laughter is the joyous universal evergreen of life....Were it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office...With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die." —Abraham Lincoln

Say it again, Mr. Lincoln! Nothing to me is sweeter than the sound of laughter. A guy could have a head like a stomped possum, but if he makes me laugh*, I'm smitten.

*He's got to think I'm funny too. Oh, and not have terrible breath.

#1 Reason Why My Blog Rules

I know you're all probably guessing:

-The remarkable writing?

-It's fair, balanced, objective reporting?

-It asks the hard-hitting questions?

-It's a go-to source for up-to-the-minute news?

-It's interesting and funny?

-It's worldwide popularity gives it an international flair?

No, no, no, no, no, and sadly, no.

Ok, the #1 Reason Why My Blog Rules:

1. It has replaced my eBay addiction.

Last year I was "Intervention" status. But this year it's been so long since I've purchased worthless crap, I don't even remember my password.

Hallelujah!

Today Is Chuck Mangione Friday

I don't know what Chuck Mangione Friday is, but I decided that it is today. So, enjoy your Chuck Mangione Friday! What are you going to do? I suggest that maybe you sit back and relax to some of his greatest hits. Like:

Dooo dooo dooooo
Dooo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo do
doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo do
doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo

etc...

Ok, I'm tired. You know the rest, right? If not, thee shall get thyself to a music store and experience the magic that is Chuck Mangione!

Dear Broad Letter

Dear Broad With The Manolo Blahnik Shopping Bag,

I just wanted to let you know that I saw you and your Manolo Blahnik shopping bag on my walk to work this morning (even though it has seen better days and in all probability did not contain a pair of Manolo Blahniks but instead a pile of assorted catalogues or bills you need to go through, a trashy summer novel, and some other junk that didn't fit into your purse) I was totally impressed by you. Which I do believe is what you were going for.

Sincerely,

Anne

Would You Give Your Baby To This Man?

Bush in Germany workin' the crowd.

Tell me about it, kid. He makes me cry too.

Magazines

Magazines I took from the dentist's office yesterday: 1

Pages I ripped out of magazines I didn't take: 3

Magazines I wanted to take but didn't: 3



What? What are you looking at?

Rub n' Play With Michael Jackson

Can't talk about Liz these days and not mention Michael Jackson.



I found this set of Colorforms while searching for vintage Sesame Street Colorforms on eBay:

Why was I searching for Sesame Street Colorforms? Because I used to really dig Colorforms. Oh, and I'm a freak. Not important.

What is important:

If Colorforms ever decide that they want to renew their endorsement deal with Michael Jackson for a Rub n' Play Transfer Set, they might want to consider making it an Ages 24 and Up kind of thing.

Beat it!

Game Night At Anne's With Elizabeth Taylor

When I'm in the middle of a heated best-out-of-three match of Guess Who with Liz Taylor and she excuses herself to go to the bathroom, I pretend that I didn't hear any funny noises, and upon her return, I have a straight face and we get right back to the game.

That's the Way It's Gotta Be If You're Gonna Be With Me

Dear Future Boyfriend,

If you ever find that you require surgery on your face that renders it swollen and in need of a large bandaid, I wanted to let you know that there is no chance in hell that I will walk down the street with you holding your hand unless I am so blinded by my love for you that I don't notice the large bandaid on your swollen face.

This unfortunately applies even if I'm the one who made you get the surgery in the first place because you were sporting something heinous on your face that was offensive. To me.

So, I leave you with that, the way it's got to be. This is of course in addition to the requirement that you have a J-O-B.

Any questions? Ok, great!

See you soon,

Anne

And Now Something Entirely Different Smelling, I Mean Smiling

#1 Reason Why I'm a Terrible Person

I make fun of the handicapped. Specifically the lactose intolerant. Their disability makes me laugh. I find it ridiculous.



"You can't have ice cream?"

"No."

"What about milk?"

"Oh, no. I have to drink Lactaid."

"You can't have milk? (uproarious laughter) What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I'm lactose intolerant. I just told you that."

"Right. Well, why don't you just take some Beano?"

"Beano doesn't work for lactose intolerance."

"Well why not? If it works for ass blow, it works for ass blow, right? Why would it discriminate? Doesn't Beano work for everything?"

"I don't think so."

"If I were a doctor, I'd prescribe Beano for everything."

"If I have too much cheese, forget about it."

"Get out of my office, please."

"You call this an office?"

"I'm shutting my imaginary door now. [boop!]"

"Boop? That's the sound your door makes when you shut it?"

"Fuck off."

Game Night At Anne's With O.J.

When O.J. Simpson comes over to play Scattergories, I always let him win.

God Loves a Defensive Insecure Steroidal Smug Gay Bashing Dick With One Nut

But only because He has to. It's His bag.

But it ain't mine!

I assure you Lance will read this. He monitors all the blogs about himself. Hi, Lance!

In All Probability: My Future

Oh, I'll make it big in show business, alright; it's just going to take awhile. Check it.