Speak Softly and Scare the Shit Out Of Them

Many of you know that I hate people. Not good people, mind you, but bad people. Bad people include murderers and public space cell phone blabbers. They also include the hypocritical, the phony, the martyrs, and last but not least, the Earth Parents.

What are Earth Parents?

Earth Parents are those parents who think that their child is God's Gift--To You. Earth parents begin way before the birth of their Christ child, but during the pregnancy. No other woman on earth has ever had their husband bang them and render them in such a condition--their pregnancy is the first ever recorded in history. The mother-to-be can't be near a microwave, the expectant parents can only listen to classical music, and the Baby Einstein crap piles up for the big day, the first day that a woman in the history of the world has ever shot a kid out of her cooch.

That's how it begins.

How it ends is even more terrific for us. These Baby Einsteins grow up to be mobile. They make noise. They dine with their Earth Parents at a public restaurant. But since they're God's Gift To Us, they don't have to sit in their seats, nor speak in "Indoor Voices". In fact, they get to run around and squeal because it produces so much joy. For us.

Last night I went on a date to a restaurant. We sat outside to enjoy the weather. What we didn't know is that there was a party of 10 (6 parents and 4 kids) also outside to enjoy the weather. Since it was techincally outside, apparently the Earth Parents thought that "Indoor Voices" were out and "Outdoor Voices" were in, and we, the other diners, would enjoy watching their Christ Children play a game of raucous Capture the Flag while we drank our margaritas.

Not so much.

Why? Well, for one, the Earth Parents weren't watching, and they were missing all the good screaming and tackling. You know, all the best plays were lost on them. Especially the ones played at the post right behind my table. There was a lot of athletic prowess and totally not annoying action going on right there. I felt sorry that the Earth Parents were missing it. Of course, they were blessing me with the show, and the right to enjoy their children while they socialized.

But then I remembered, "Wow. I just got fired. I don't have a job. Yet this lovely dinner feels like work. Like babysitting. Yet I'm working for free. I don't like this." After an hour of seething and steaming about it, I got my shit together. When the gaggle of Christ Kids attacked the pole next to my table again I swooped in like a Navy Seal, parted the plant in the planter like the guy from Laugh In, got down on their 3 foot levels and barked in my firmest "Indoor Voice",

HEY! SETTLE. DOWN. NOW.

The look of fear in their eyes was all it took for me to know they wouldn't be running by my table anymore, and they didn't. The parents didn't notice shit, of course, still enjoying letting the rest of the patio enjoy their kids. I wonder how much they'd enjoy it if one of their children disappeared?

We finished our margaritas and actually stayed for a beer as well. See, life can be nice if people treat other people with respect. I don't hate kids. I actually plan on breeding myself one day. What I do hate are people who don't take responsibility for their kids and believe that their kids are blessings to us, the rest of the world. WTF? What is so difficult about not being an a-hole? Remember, Earth Parents--a-holes beget a-holes beget a-holes, and the cycle continues. Don't contribute to the a-hole population, please? Stop the buck with yourself.

Good grief, I need a drink. Just repeating that story has given me the shakes.