Anne's New Part Time Job

I almost forgot to tell everyone about this sweet part time gig I just scored. You are looking at midtown Manhattan's new undercover Snack Cake Squeezer. Sure, it sounds strange, but let me explain.

I'm basically paid to go into local delis and supermarkets to squeeze the merchandise. Like the old broads in the old commericals used to do before the "Don't Squeeze the Charmin" guy came around screaming at them. Except I'm doing this clandestinely. If the merchandise that I squoze is still there a week or so later, all squished up and smushed, then the store gets busted, by me, for not changing their inventory in a timely fashion, and I get to keep the defective snacks all to myself.

So, I'm not actually paid in money, but with something far more valuable: tasty deliciousness. Do I care that my hands have been all over a Snowball or that my fingers have poked a Twinkie in half? Please. Ever punch a box of donuts right in the box? Donuts never see it comin'. Throttle Little Debbie with both hands? Elbow Dolly Madison in the pie? It's a great way to blow off some steam, I tell you. The worst part about the job is I have to say and see the word "snacks" a lot, and that's hard for me because it's one of my least favorite words.

But other than that, pretty sweet gig, huh? It doesn't get much sweeter.