Why Am I So Psyched?

Well, partly (if not entirely) because Mel Gibson is an a-hole and there's proof. Sure, in time he'll make a comeback; a-holes like this never seem to go away like they should. But for now, I'm enjoying his pain.

I don't feel sorry for you because you're an alcoholic Mel, I feel sorry for your wife and kids. You're not sorry that you did it, you're an entitled asshole who's sorry he got caught--and caught in the worst way you can imagine for an anti-semitic, hypocritical, mysogonistic, filthy rich ,egomaniac type of a-hole--in the pocketbook --and you won't be able to buy another island for awhile.

No doubt all that money and fame will twist a person, but one of your only responsibilities when you hit it big is to keep your perspective and follow the rules to the best of your ability. I mean, you're not doing your own laundry or picking up your own drycleaning anymore at that point, it doesn't seem like a lot to ask.

All I know is that if I can't drive up and down the Pacific Coast Highway in my Lexus, drinking tequila and screaming about the Jews all night and not get arrested, than you can't either, Mel. It seems to me you're an a-hole deep down, though--that "I own Malibu" line? Of course, then again, Lizzie Grubman called a Hamptons bouncer a piece of white trash, and 9/11 saved her ass by getting her face off of the front pages every day. These days she's back to the Hamptons skankin' it up like it never happened.

Anyway, Mel, I hope this scandal sucks bank and reputation away and that your wife leaves you, ties her tubes, and spends the rest of her days enjoying sex with a nice Jew.

The end.

What Else Is Happening?

newbluebaby's in the bloghouse, peeps. Check it. Or, be a douche. You know, whatever. It's your call.

It's your cawl, Joanne. I want my fifty bucks.

I Want Candy

I do. Do I need a trip to the vending machine? Or the elliptical machine?

There's someone in my office right now saying the world "clock" a lot and whenever he says it I hear a different word.

I may be tired.

Have I Told You Lately How Much I Love Oscar Wilde?

Oscar Wilde is another one of my dead bestest friends whom I've never met. Do yourself a favor and get to know him if you don't. I read this biography a few summers ago, and even though it weighs 52 pounds, I couldn't put it down. Don't have time for book learnin'? Here's my quick synopsis of his life in three sentences: Oscar Wilde was a brilliant, talented, and funny Dublin-born man who was larger than life and ahead of his time. A-holes were intimidated by his genius so he was arrested for the crime of being gay and sentenced to two years hard labor in prison. He died three years after he got out, at the untimely age of 54, from an ear infection exacerbated in prison; thanks a lot, a-holes.

1. A true friend stabs you in the front.
2. Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
3. Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
4. She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.
5. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
6. The moment you think you understand a great work of art, it's dead for you.
7. The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
8. There is no sin except stupidity.
9. To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
10. Only the shallow know themselves.

And finally, Oscar was hilarious even when he lay dying in a Paris hotel room:

"Either this wallpaper goes, or I do."

Chopped Off

The next time you ask a restaurant to chop a salad for you so you don't have to put an entire tomato on your fork, do specify that you're under 86 years old and have your real teeth. If you don't, they'll blend it for you. I have what amounts to a pile of wet oregano on this plate and frankly, it'd be easier to eat with a straw.

Disappointed! Annoyed! Whatevs!

Hers & Hers Personal Cooling Systems

Is this thing gay? You bet your ass it is! Whatevs. What's that, oh you can't stop laughing because I went to Sharper Image to buy myself and Doodle a few Personal Cooling Systems?

Still laughing? Please, like Doodle and I care. Be our guest--you'll work up a sweat laughing whilst we're cooling away the hours with these bad boys on our necks. Bad boys which, I might add, contain a patented, miniature evaporative-cooling system that our entire bodies enjoy for up to four hours of relief? HAHAHAHAHAHA Suck it.

All Of My Loving

Hi, kids. I know I was telling you all about myspace and how much more I want to submerge myself in virtual reality. I'm decidedly more popular there than in the regular reality. Not really, though you will notice, Eminem is my friend and stuff.

Anyway, my man Dave Hill is totally talented at everything he does, but especially singing falsetto-type backup and just generally jamming his ass off on guitar in his sweet band, Valley Lodge. If you hit me at myspace, their inf*cktious song, "All Of My Loving" starts playing immediately. And it's good. And by the end of the day, after you've been humming it for hours, you'll say, "Wow, Anne, you know some talented people. Why aren't they on the O.C. yet?" And I'll say, "Beats me. Hey, you have something in your teeth."

The Voice Of Bang

Is it wrong of me to find the intercommed voice of our high-rise building's Fire Safety Director hot? He just told me that Con Edison has asked him to cooperate with energy saving and will put half of the building on generator power and he just wanted to let me know that there'll be a brief interruption in lighting for 5 seconds.

I guess he told everyone else too, and not just me, but I felt like he was speaking to me. Maybe during that interruption in lighting is when I meet him in the stairwell?

Rigged

The Lotto numbers for Saturday?

5, 10, 15, 25, 30, 35

I'm suspicious. Look at the almost continuity of it all. Plus, 6 fuckers won. That's right. I'm not accusing anyone of anything, I'm just saying that...

Well, I'm just saying that if I knew that a combination like that would win, then you know, I would have picked it, is all.

So, I'm going to sulk here for awhile if you don't mind. The good news is that nobody won the Mega Millions, but it just doesn't seem like good news right now. I need a little time to get my head around this loss.

With Friends Like These

I've decided to inflate my bloated self-esteem via the dedication to the collection of new "friends" via myspace. Having thousands of friends I can count on--if it turns out I did not win the Lotto over the weekend-- gives me solace. After all, there is a slight possibility that I did not win. I know, I'm just playing devil's advocate.

Will advise.

Monday, Monday

Happy Monday! Incongruous terms? You bet your ass! In my world, anyway. Let's see. Today I woke up late, because I did. I forgot my brush so I looked homeless for the first hour I was in the office. I took a plastic fork to the bathroom with me so I could attend to it, and the broads in there gave me funny looks. What, a woman can't comb her hair with a fork? What else? Well, I'm about to check my Lottery numbers, and if you're looking for a fun time this afternoon, why don't you check out your office's online facebook photgraphs? People have ballooned up and down in weight, had some shitty hairdos, gone through some miserable fashions--I'm telling you, it's truly underrated free entertainment.

Sink Or Swim

Doodle, 7-31-06

Another Way Doodle Beats the Heat

It's cooler out on the terrazzo floors. But one has to be vigiliant. The sounds of the enemy are everywhere; one could be ambushed at any moment.

Isn't that right, Ol' Crazy Ears? Nice pants.

Bad Breath. Alizer.

How's everyone's Sunday treating them?

Anyone hungover?

Anyone have to spend the night in the clink like this guy?

What, he only had two beers!

Get the aspirin.

OUCH.

Come On Baby, Come On Over

Sure, I could be high, but even if I was not, and I never said that I was, this would still be outrageously excellent for a limitless number of reasons so confusing that.

What?

What was I saying?

I forgot what I was saying.

Ahem.

Is it hot in here?

Cough.

Way to go, Sara and Lang on this bizarre pants pisser. I expected nothing less!

Sweating Your Balls Off?

Of course you are!

I'm too frail for this heat. My hands are up, I'm totally admitting defeat:

I

can't

deal.

Do I have a problem with looking like shit? No. I like camping, I use a hair dryer sparingly in the dead of winter only, I go out "without my face on" on a daily basis. But I can't deal with feeling like shit. If it's cold out, you can always bundle up, wear more layers, run around and get the heart pumping to create some heat. When it's hot like this, and you're wearing nothing or next to nothing, the only thing that could possibly make you cooler would be to remove your skin, muscle tissue and fat so you get down to the skeleton. And apparently this causes death. Or so I'm told.

In short: THIS BITES. Especially so, because the heat will only continue to rise considering that the earth is on fire and the end is near. I'll be checking out on the early side. Too bad I'm going to leave this world for a hotter one. What do they call that place again? I can't remember the name, but it's a terribly hot place where they play Hootie & the Blowfish 24/7---> Eternity and the only thing to do for fun is punch George W. Bush repeatedy in the face. That should pass some time; I can't see that ever getting old.

See? Positive spin.

Tee Many Martoonies

I like to have a martini, two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.

~ Dorothy Parker


Thankfully, only three were consumed.

Passion of the "Christ, My Life Is Fucked!"

Mel, Mel, Mel. Why didn't you stick to being that Mad Max fellow and grow old and quiet instead of having 60 kids because you don't believe in birth control because you're so "religious" and stop buying islands and towns and making shitty creepy movies about Jesus? Maybe now is the time to stop pretending you're Australian when you were actually born in the States and stop acting like such a bigot?

Oh, that's right, you can't do any of these things because you were arrested for drunk driving tonight, got belligerent, sassed some cops, slighted the Jews, and it's all on tape.

Fucked indeed, I hope.

Oh, and I never saw Braveheart either, Mel, so suck it.

Read all about the Mel Gibson "My life is fucked" incident here, and love every minute of it. I know I did.

WTF Photo for Friday

You Love the 80's

My dear friend sent a few of us this trashy link to 80's videos, with a note raving:

I LOVE me some Flock of Seagulls...

(Remember after their show at Rockitz when I gave them a ride to their hotel in my mom's Chrysler because their limo broke down & then I ate pizza in their room with that dude with the hair?!?!?!?)

I don't remember, because I wasn't there unfortunately, but indeed I wish I had been! Anyway, not a huge F.O.S. fan myself, I went straight to Andy Gibb's 1980 Desire video. Terrible song, terrible outfit, it's all totally awesome.

The best part: The video must have been poached from some Scando 'Pop Up Video" show, because the only word I recognized other than Victoria Principal was cocaineverslaving. Oh, and the phrase 30 jaard oud. Sad.

RIP, Andy! We hardly knew ye.

http://www.cocaineverslaving.info/

Phone Phun

My friend Jim, whom I hadn't spoken to in a long time, called me on my cellphone this afternoon. I don't get good reception in my office, so I told him to call me back on my office telephone. Since I'm a temp, nobody in my life outside of the office ever knows my office number. And since nobody in my life outside of the office ever knows my office number, nobody outside of the office ever calls me on it.

So, I gave him the office number.

One second later the phone rang. I picked up with a:

"What's up, ASSWIPE?"

And I heard in response:

"Why am I an asswipe?"

It wasn't Jim.

Luckily for me, it was a fellow temp. But it sooooooo soooooooo soooooooo could have easily been my last day today.

Admittedly, it would have been a funny way to go. I'd be giggling as I packed up my office.

Ha! What's up, asswipe indeed!

Happy Places

Here's a map of the happiest places in the world. Clearly happiness is tied to cash.

I need to get me some cash. Then I promise I'll spread it around to those less fortunate.

Unlike some other people I'm familiar with who don't.

Today's Friday, and you know what that means: Two Tickets for Lotto, Please!

Ebony and Ivory

Are you ever out and you see a really odd couple walking together, like a young skinny white broad dressed in tacky clothes with a big fat tall old black guy in fine duds? And think to yourself, Wow, that couple doesn't have a whole lot in common on the outside, yet, there they are, strolling down the street together...I wonder what their relationship is, how they met, where they're going...and then suddenly one half of the couple pulls ahead of the other half of the couple and then...

You realize that they weren't walking together at all.

Ah, well.

Who Doesn't Love Mosquitoes?

Mosquitoes are great! Man, I love me a mosquito. Can't think of one reason why I don't like them. It's all love when it comes to the lil' fellas. Or should I say, ladies. Sure, they killed a bunch of people in Philly in 1793, but whatevs. Talk to the hand. (I'm bringing that phrase back it was so damn good) Or, talk the bats. Bats also love mosquitoes. Or is it mojitos they like? Tough to say, they're both awesome.

If You Hate the Administration Like I Hate the Administration

Then you'll find solace in this bizarre site featuring your favorite White House a-holes with blow- up doll bodies.

It soothes me. I guess things are just that bad in the world.

Ahhhhhh.

I Saw You Giving Me the Gut Glance, Bitch

Ok, so I'm walking home from work tonight, and for the purposes of this story, I feel it important to tell you that I was wearing a white tank top and a white skirt. White is unforgiving when it comes to hiding figure flaws but it's friggin' hot out here like 99 degrees of humid terribleness and I really don't care. Until I do.

Anyway, so this broad is on her cell phone and is blabbing away walking toward me and she looks at me. Not at my face, but at my gut. My abdomen, if you will, and then she looks at her own and adjusts some shit slightly. Now this all happened very fast but if you're a woman you know exactly what the Up Down is (that's when a broad checks you out quite obviously from head to toe to head again --or--toe to head to toe. Then quickly averts the eyes, taking mental note of it all) but this was a variation on the Up Down as it was just a Gut Glance.

What is the Gut Glance, the term I just created, you ask? It's when some broad checks out your gut and then adjusts her own, meaning only one thing: I have a fat gut and she wants to make sure that hers doesn't look like whatever mine looked like.

Is she saying I'm fat? Only I can say that I'm fat!

I"ll cut that bitch!

I did mention I was wearing all white, correct?

You Can Recline Like a Celebrity

Sure, this joint looks like it sells just a regular old recliner. But is it a regular joint selling a regular old recliner? Please. This is Celebrity Furniture, ok? For celebrities who want to recline. Or people who just want to be celebrities who want to recline. Oh, and they're not called recliners just because you're reclining in them, ok? That is so 70's. They are pieces of Motion Furniture. Because they move.

Look how much fun this couple is having. They are literally floating on air it's so comfortable. He's not even sitting in the motion recliner, but it's so infectiously comfortable that he's getting a contact high just by touching the back of it. And the funnies they're reading? Even funnier, because they're being read whilst reclining in a Celebrity Motion Recliner.

Don't be a nobody, ayite? Get yourself a damn chair.

Hack

Plus, this guy doesn't even look like a murderer. Please.

Pitch In

This throwing things out thing is becoming addictive. Last night I was tossing paperwork out and then a crayon or a pen or a sock or magazine here and there and then <boop> next thing I know I've got Doodlecat in hand and half in the bag -literally- and she's like, "Whoa, like what are you doing, meow?" And I was like, "Oh, sorry."

Attention Men:

How do you know when you're old? It's confusing, right? Because age is just a number. You might have some high digits, but you feel good! How do you know? Well, it's pretty simple math:

When you find yourself in a pair of these.

At this juncture it's more than likely you're also pulling your pants up to your tits and have acquired that old man smell. Might want to look into some ear hair clippers soon. Like, yesterday. Thanks.

PS: Please note, black size 8 medium width is sold out, as is the brown medium and wide widths in size 13. Sorry. Snooze=lose.




Men's Wrangler® Hero® Lace-Up Shoes

Superbly crafted in soft, rich pebble-grain leather, these classic lace-up shoes from Wrangler® Hero® are designed for total comfort. They feature padded collars, cushioned insoles, nylon-foam linings and sure-grip flexible soles. Available in black or brown. Men's whole and half sizes 8-10 1/2, 11, 12, 13; medium or wide widths.

Item 69823 SALE! $19.99.... $12.99
Choose color & size:
Color BLK Size 08 M (Sold Out)
Color BRN Size 13 M (Sold Out)
Color BRN Size 13 W (Sold Out)

What's Better?

What's better than pouring Hydrogen Peroxide on a cut and watching it foam up?

Answer: Nothing!

Too slow, people! Beat you to the punch.

Baby Toe Update

I've been getting thousands of emails wishing me well after my baby toe accident, and I just wanted to say THANK YOU! Progress is being made on the healing front. It's hard to describe the wound, so I've made a little sketch here to help you all visualize so as to properly sympathize:

Baby toe: macerated. Second toe, lightly wounded. Now we've got bandaids goin' on. Unsightly, but on the mend!

To Be Or Not To Be?

My dad's people hail from a part of Pennsylvania fondly known as Pennsyltucky. Technically it's the northern PA that borders New York State, the awesome part. Pennsyltucky goes as far south as State College. A trip to "the big city" for a Pennsyltuckian is either to Buffalo or Pittsburgh. Dig?

Here's a map:

Anyway, my point: Pennsyltuckians do not use the verb "to be" because..because..well, they don't. For example, I'll use some phrases frequently used by my grandparents. Here goes:

1. The rug needs sweeped
2. The engine needs greased
3. The table needs set
4. The raspberries need picked

Try it! It'll save you hours in conversation time! No unnecessary verbs! Also, try substituting "warsh" when you say washing machine or Washington. It's fun!

Popular Searches

Whilst tossing junk last night, I found a printout for some information from Hotmail that I needed for some reason or another. In the bottom right corner, there's a box called Popular Searches. Split into Top 5 Searches and Suggested (by MSN) Searches.

Because you're curious, the Top 5 Searches on 12/6/06 were:

World's Ugliest Dog

Christmas Candy

Ziyi Zhang

Michelle Yeoh

John Lennon

Because you're even curious-er, the Top 5 SUGGESTED Searches on 12/6/06 were:

News: Junk food ads

Images: Scrooge

Heavy backpacks

Unhappy marriage

Mayan women

Um...

Heavy backpacks? Who is suggesting this and why?

Thanks a Lot, Rain

I was thinking about hosting an intimate cocktail soiree this weekend on the roof deck. And by intimate, I mean, people aren't naked, but just it's a tiny group of people. Moot now, it's all moot now, because there's a 50% chance of thunder n' lightning. Not good. Fine for me, but I'm sure there'd be someone worrying about their hair, and someone else who has stuff to live for would be worried about being struck by lightning. Whatevs.

Last time I had the roof deck party, there was a storm, and someone ate some lightning. Here's a photo: (follow the lightning to see my apartment roof deck)


So embarrassing as a host! Never again.

Today's Heat Index

Sweaty bologna.

Joanne, Do the Right Thing

You ate the food, you drank the wine, now send me a check for 50 bucks.

Sorry, people, I'm still dumbfounded by this. I love how he starts each message, "Hi Joanne, it's Darren cawlling..." like that's necessary after fifty friggin' messages.

Darren L. Sherman. Seriously unbelievable tool. The guy is the CEO of a company supposedly. Come on, Darren, don't they teach you in business school that you gotta spend money to make money you cheap fuckin' bastard?

Good grief, do I hate cheap.

Arrogance, rudeness, cheapness. My top three least favorite characteristics in a person, I think. Oh, and cruelty. I'm not a fan of cruelty. That's probably number one. But cheap is second.

Let's Discuss Why You're Annoying

A majority of my day is spent pondering peoples' oddities and why they're fuckin' weirdos.

You Can Tell a Lot About a Person

Once when my sister and I were walking down the street we saw a banana peel on the sidewalk. Without discussing it first, we simultaneously threw our legs out and did a fake slip/fall combined with a "WWWHHOOOOAAAAAA!"

I happen to think that people can be broken down into two types:

1) The person who sees a banana peel on the sidewalk and does the "WHHOOOOOAAAAA!"
2) The person who sees the banana peel on the sidewalk and keeps walking

What a Great Gift Idea!

Apple Sitter Set - #45066

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, this set of 8 characters will keep you feeling well for a long time. Add personality to the kitchen counter or window sill. Hand-painted polyresin with dangling legs and posable arms. Each approx. 4 3/4"H.

Price: $14.99

Availability: In Stock.

You mean I can get a set of crap (with dangling legs and posable arms) to dust and clutter up my kitchen for only $14.99? Surely I've died and gone to heaven? If not, I hope there are hand-painted polyresin characters with dangling legs and posable arms waiting for me when I get there.

It's Summer and That Means:

IT'S SHOPRITE'S SUMMERTIME CAN CAN SALE!

So that in turn means:

Now's the time to stock up while the values last!

Hi-C Blast Drinks 4 for $6 Must buy 6
Tuttorosso Tomatoes 12 for $5.99 Must buy 12
Starkist Solid White Tuna 6 oz. 3 for $2 Must buy 2
Friskies Cat Food 24 for $6.99 Must buy 24

Get in there and do some damage to them there cans why don'tcha?

OH MY GOOD GOD

And I thought my date was cheap. I am beside myself.

Literally beside myself. Hi, Anne, what are you doing on that side of me? Oh, nothing, just hanging out beside you. Oh, ok.

It's yuah cawl. Do the right thing. It's yuah cawl. Mail me the fifty dowlahs you owe me.

Holy shit!!!

Bump

I asked my pregnant coworker:

"Aren't you a little embarrassed about being pregnant, because everyone knows you like, did it."

"No."

"Oh."

"You're weird."

"Whatevs. Everyone knows you did it."

Our Office Cafeteria Has Everything But a Booger Bar

1. Ice Cream bar
2. Hot Dog bar
3. Salad bar
4. Pasta bar

Oh, and a real bar, of course. By real, I mean booze, obviously.

#5096 Why I Could Never Be a Doctor

I cut my foot opening the hallway door this afternoon. Came close to taking the pinky off (who needs it anyway?). I was in the middle of conversation with someone so that stifled the profanities I would have shouted had I been alone. Anyway, I learned a few things.

1. Closed toe shoes help when you do something fucking stupid like open a door on your foot. And here I was ragging on a twat I saw this morning with slouchy black boots.
2. Don't open a door without first looking down on your feet
3. My own cut is so gross I almost barf just looking at it through the bandaid so "Be a doctor" is off the "What Should I Do When I Grow Up" list once again.

Tales From a Restaurant #1

The Altman family has eaten at so many restaurants over the years that the stories are endless. One particular time when I was a little kid we went to the Ground Round. For those of you who have never been treated to a meal there, let me tell you about it. It's claim to fame was not the menu nor the service, but the peanut shells that covered the floor. That about covers the Ground Round.

My dad saw "Homemade Apple Pie" on the menu. The man cannot resist homemade apple pie. But being that we were at the Ground Round, he was understandably suspicious.

"The apple pie is homemade?" he asked.
"Uh huh," she replied.
"It's not Table Talk."
"Nope."

When the pie arrived, it had that perfect machine-made lattice-top crust. It was a perfect triangle slice. My father eyeballed it with a sigh. The man was pissed. I was scared for the waitress. Very scared. He summoned her.

"This is Table Talk."
"No, it isn't."
"You're telling me this isn't Table Talk."
"Right."
"Look at this pie. You're telling me this is homemade?"
"Well, it was made in somebody's home."

Some Great Advice For Christie Brinkley

Dear Christie,
I know this is a tough time for you right now, with your 4th husband fooling around on you and whatnot. He wants to reconcile, but you know it's quite possibly over. You know what this means: It's time that pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get married again. Nothing takes the sting out of a failed relationship than another failed relationship! Go for it! What have you got to lose?
Love,
Anne


P.S. You're wicked good at weddings (especially the one on the ski slopes, remember that one?)

What Is the Best Fruit In the World?

If you said Plums, you'd be wrong. There's a guy in my office who says his favorite fruit is the plumb. ABSURD! That's like, quite possibly the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.

If We Could Rid the World of B.O.

What a wonderful world it would be...

Anne's Thoughts On: My Laminating Machine

I never bought you. I did aquire you. Did I steal you? No. Steal isn't the correct word. Forgot to return you is more like it. I'm considering adding you to the list, you know the list, the list of the doomed, part of the 9 things that will be tossed.
Why? Well, honestly, when was the last time I used you? When was the last time I laminated something, anything? I know, I know, what if I need to laminate something and I already tossed you? 'Tis a pickle. A tormenting pickle. A pickle that torments. I'm eating a pretzel right now, should I laminate that?

This Is My 700th Post

Wow. I'm...I'm...fecund. And in honor of my 700th post, I'm going to reveal to you the first thing I realized I needed but threw away as part of the 9 Things a Day Project: watering can. I bought a silly plant today, and how do we water silly plants? With silly watering cans. But not anymore! A silly glass will suffice. No need to keep a silly watering can around for one silly plant. That's just silly.

And so is this, my 700th post. Congratulations, me!

Oh, me, you shouldn't have!

Well, someone had to.

Yeah, you're right. Yay me!

And you!

Office Space By Bunnies

See the bunnies do it Office Space style! Poached from that Casual Slack (see sidebar, blogger's being a booger)

Things My Mother Hates Part 2

Oh, Oprah

"When I was 22 years old and working as a TV anchor in Baltimore, there was a young production assistant in the newsroom, Gayle King. One night there was a snowstorm and she couldn't get home. I said, 'Hey, you can spend the night at my house.' She said, 'I don't have any panties.' I said, 'Well, I do. I have clean panties, and once I give 'em to you, you don't have to give 'em back.'"

- Oprah Winfrey

Oh, Oprah. 4 things:

1. I think you're great.
2. I think your friend Gayle has teeth made for radio.
3. I think despite rumors you're not lesbians with each other.
4. Why did you have to go and use the p word? And twice?

Good Grief.

If You Throw a Piece Of Cheese In Your Back Yard Something Will Eat It

We threw a funny-shaped piece of parmesan in the backyard. The next day, it had bite marks all on the inside, hollowed out by something with hamster-y hands. So when cleaning out the fridge, I figured the chicken sandwich that needed to be pitched would be put to better use out in the back yard as well.

The next day, the chicken was gone, but the black olives and artichokes remained. Racoons aren't so keen on black olives and artichokes, apparently, and I went on believing this and everyone I told the story to went on believing this.

But the next day, olives and artichokes were gone.

Gotta love recycling.

Bye Bye, Bags

Hey, people! Did you all have a lovely weekend? I did. I am 60 pounds lighter. No, I didn't lose my fat ass, but I did donate 3 bags o' stuff to Goodwill, and I feel good about it. The way I look at it, that's like at least 45 things, making me caught up on my 9 Things A Day Project which I blew off last week.

Though I did feel sad to donate Bear. He was looking at me through the clear plastic bag like, "I got you through the tough times. This is where I end up?" Now I say he was looking at me that way, but he and I both know that he was given to me in college and and kept in spectacular condition so as to be adoptable. It's going to take almost every fiber of my being not to swing by Goodwill and see how long it takes before he's snatched up. Oh, I hope it's not long!

I know, I'm sick. It's not like he was having fun in that plastic bag in the storage unit.

Hilary Swank is on the cover of Vanity Fair. She bugs me.

Battle of the Species

Puppy vs. Kitty : The best part about this flick is how the kitten surpise attacks ninja style
Cat vs. Puppy : The worst part about this flick is the pets' owner

Please Tell Me He Doesn't Belong To Us

bush and koizumi

I poached this photo from the Official Site of Grant Miller. Though I needed to see it, something inside me wishes I never did.

He Wasn't GoingTo Sit There and Listen To This

So pissed, you'd someone was trying to tell him the word potato isn't spelled with an "e".

I don't care what anybody says about John Cougar, John Cougar Mellencamp, or John Mellencamp,I love him. I always have.

Just ask Jack and Diane.

And You Thought I Was Skinny?

Please. I just read.

A Cure

I wasn't feeling so hot tonight, and something inside me was telling me to barf but I just couldn't. One look at this, however, and the barf came on like a mudslide. Thank you, Natural Nauseator!

If it didn't work, go here.

Fantastic Photo For Friday

Denim Poisoning

My Pet Fish Was a Crappy Soccer Player

So I beat him to death.

What? It was an accident.

Maybe you'll have better luck. Learn him something at Fish School.

I Love This Guy

I can see myself and this guy getting along very well. It sold my pops on the Winnebago we rented in 1980. Sound up, people. Warning to those in a workplace where words like f*ck, sh*t, godda*nit, and f*ck are frowned upon.

Blood Drive Today

But I'm sitting this one out, as I failed Blood Drive 101. Remember last time? The two hours to produce the pathetic half bag, the collapsed vein, the pamphlet on bruising? Ah, well. Bite me, I can't be good at everything.

A Little Vermont For Lunch

Only a leprechaun could make this shot more unbelievable.

Out for a little Night Kite

If you can't sit on a porch, you're not going to be able to hang.

The linen closet: Exemplification of my mother's supreme excellence

War on "Terror"

This phrase annoys me to no end. It's terrorism. We are trying to wage a war on terrorism. It's impossible to wage a war on terror, an emotion, let alone terrorism. I'm waging a War on Annoyance. Bush created this ignorant phrase, and now everybody else has to say it too because it's like an Emperor's New Clothes kind of thing. He says "sammiches" so now everybody else has to say "sammiches" so he doesn't get mad and pout. But I didn't run for President and therefore wasn't elected so, I have no say in all this even though I just said some stuff.

Since nobody gives a shit about Bin Laden, can we finally get this terrorist behind bars? Bitch is easy to catch, she's all over the place. Talk about terrifying. I suspect she's got a forked snake tongue.

Elephant Dreams

I had a dream last night that I found two elephants in some old guy's apartment way out in Queens somewhere. It was a fifth story walkup, and a real dump. I found them lifeless and listless in the bedroom near the closet, near death. One was a baby, the other was a young adult. So, then I panic about how I'm going to get them out of there before the guy comes home. Suddenly there was a key in the door, and I'm freaking out, trying to think of a story about why I was in his house. "Oh, is this your apartment? Wow, I must be lost." Then I awoke in a cold sweat.

I can still remember all the junk he had on his kitchen table.

Um, Hello, I Thought This Was a Free Country

What, now the government has the right to say what we can and can't keep in our own refrigerators in the privacy of our own homes? I mean, honestly! It's pretty ridiculous.

Seriously, where's the crime?

I'm serious.

Wicked Fun Blog Quiz

That "Next Blog" button can really take you places. Terrible places.


Huey Lewis totally cancelled on me for Game Night at Anne's. He said the News would swing by, but they never showed either. Rude, right? I know. Lame. Pretty pathetic considering it isn't news that they weren't even the news when they were the News. Pretty shitty way to treat such a generous hostess such as myself, one who invites celebrities into my home on a regular basis to play board games, but what can I say other than they just weren't raised right. Right? I'm putting the Port Wine Cheese and the grapes back into the refrigerator. In Game Night at Anne's stead, I've created little game to involve you, my loyal readers. It's a wicked fun blog quiz I'd like to call, Wicked Fun Blog Quiz.

Your instructions are to first read the blog, learn as much as you can, and then resume reading this post. Remember, I understand that this is a wicked fun blog quiz, but take it seriously, as there'll be a quiz. Slacker.


Read This Blog Now.

.
.
.
. Almost done?
.
.
.
.
.
.How about now?




Time's up.




Ok.





Here goes.





Quiz:

Train A, traveling 70 miles per hour (mph), leaves Westford heading toward Eastford, 260 miles away. At the same time Train B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Eastford heading toward Westford. How many times does this woman need to be punched in the face?


Answer will be revealed at close of business tomorrow. Good luck!

Humor? Not really.

HAHAHAHAHA working late means some things are funnier than they really are. I just came across the name Andrew Wigfall.

HAHAHHAHA! Wigfall! Absurd! The only thing that could possibly make that name funnier would be if his name was Harry. Harry Wigfall.

What's wrong, Wigfall? What'd your wigfall?

Ha. Ahem. Ok, maybe not funny, but the funniest thing that's happened to me in the last couple of hours. Right, styrofoam cup?

Right, Anne!

Thanks, styrofoam cup. It's good to know you're keeping me company here now that everyone's gone home.

Heh, heh. Wigfall.

What Kind Of Ice Cream Did Grama Altman Have in the Freezer?

If you guessed "Whatever's On Sale" Flavor, then you'd be right!

Oh, Gram. She's not around anymore, but I'm going to visit the old stomping grounds in a few weeks, so I've got her on my mind. Olean (home of the Altman stronghold and...and....well, St. Bonaventure University is there) here I come! There will be beef, beer and me, the queer...

so get used to it.

There's the Rub

Ok, I can't say that celebrity chef Mario Batali is a bloated alcoholic because I've not met him yet and can't prove it. I also can't say that his buddy Michael Stipe from R.E.M. is a wicked bad tipper, because he's never personally tipped me. That unsaid, I'd like to share with you what looks like a great Batali dry rub recipe for grilling meat (or vegetables) from one of the pages I stole from one of the magazines at the doctor's office.

Bloated Batali Dry Rub Mix

This can be made in advance: salt, sugar, black pepper, thyme, ancho chiles and rosemary. Grind it up in a coffee grinder. Rub it on the meat to be grilled four hours in advance, and the seasoning and tenderizing effect is amazing; it acts almost like curing. That, and remember why your grill comes with a lid--to get the smoke effect and let you cook things slower.

Owner of a Lonely Heart

One of my friends went to see YES at Madison Square Garden a few years ago. Like I am, he's kind of weird. I asked him, "How was the YES show?" And he said, "It was weird." So, that's pretty fuckin' weird. YES is weird, YES fans are weird. I happen to think YES is awesome. Anyone else love YES? No?

ELO Fun Fact

ELO did not record the song "Love is Like Oxygen" like you thought. That song is by the band The Sweet.

So, the next time you're humming it and lovin' it like you do, keep that mind so that the props are properly appropriated.

I do realize that this post is by me for me, but whatevs, you learned something didn't you? Ok, maybe you learned that I'm old, but whatevs x 2. I'm proud. Or is it loud? Whatevs x 3.

"Let" Her Cry?

Oh, don't worry Hootie. Tell your Blowfish not to worry either. I'm sobbing my eyes out all on my own because your song "Let Her Cry" just came on the radio and it sucks so much, it's so unbelievably bad that I...

I...

I...

I need to excuse myself.

Excuse me.

A Couple of Post Lunch Observations About Myself

1. I chose a little of the three bean salad.
2. I chose the tomato soup.
3. I took a few bites/sips of each and put them into the refrigerator to live with all the other lunches I've tossed in there to die since Monday.
4. I have a little garlic breath.
5. The three bean isn't as good as my Grama Altman's
6. Because of 1, 2, and 3, I am becoming my grandmother*.

*When I was in college and she was in her eighties and stubbornly still living alone at home, she'd ask me what I wanted for dinner as she struggled to open the refrigerator door. Inside there'd be a tiny crumpled up piece of tin foil with what looked like half a sole of a leather shoe in it. "Well, we could have this."

When y'all come over to my place in 50 years, that's what's for dinner.

Love Me, Love My Pirate Bikini

Jones Beach last weekend was made only slightly more wonderful because of my new $12 black bikini. How do you get dudes who like dudes to pay attention to you at the beach? Throw some white skull n' crossbones on your left jug and on the right side of your can. It's the most tasteful of skull & crossbones bikinis that I've ever come across, and let me tell you something I rocked it, mateys. What can I say? Death becomes me.

This link about the town in which I was raised might explain a little about my salty personality, pirate blood and love for the sea. Arrrrggggh.

My Good Deed For Yesterday

"Blurred Memories", by Phong

Phong is an Asian elephant who was rescued as a baby from the streets of Bangkok and now lives in Northern Thailand at the Thai Elephant Conservatory. He began painting a few years ago at the Lampang Elephant Art Academy. He's also an accomplished xylophonist! Hello? Xylophonist! PHONG RULES! I purchased one of his paintings yesterday called "Blue Fields" here and it's gorgeous. Proceeds go to the Conservatory. They need all the help they can get to save more of these beautiful, amazing animals from poachers and their rapidly disappearing natural habitats. People suck, people. Good grief, do I hate people. But I love people who save elephants because I love elephants.

Elephant dung makes great paper, apparently, as it's all grass and good for the enviroment and stuff. This is a cool video that shows you an elephant painting a bouquet of flowers.

Wanpen, Flowers, #68

It's so cool! Then it shows you elephants taking dumps and how they make the paper. See art for sale at wonderful prices the gallery here. Proceeds support the elephants themselves and also to children to educate them and build awareness.

Elephants don't (and won't) forget your kindness...

Reason #739 Why I Could Never Be a Doctor

In the elevator this morning, before I had had my coffee, the elevator stopped at 5. A man got in with a taped gauze pad in a really awkward spot between his eye and his nose.

As disgusting as it was, I must say it was a friendlier sight than the two twats already on the elevator when I got on at 7. I've got a lot of bitchy broads in my building who make you feel like an asshole for acknowledging them with a hello. So, I quit years ago. Sometimes I do it just to fuck with them. But not in the morning. I'm not a morning person.

One of the women standing behind me must have known Mr. Bandage Face.

She: What happened?
He: Oh, I had a blocked tear duct.

Now I'm choking back a little puke...blocked tear duct? How does it get blocked and blocked with what? Bleeechhhhhh!

She: Oh.
He: Yeah, the doctor tried to free it up a little bit...

Now I might not be able to choke it back...free it up a little bit? Good god.

She: Well, feel better.
He: Thanks.

What about me? ? ?

The Latest Finger-In-the-Chili Trick, Or the Real Deal?

I learned it from watching you, Dad, I learned it from watching you!

I Told You He Was a Bug-Eyed Jug-Headed Idiot

Even the dude in the plaid is thinking, "Sure, I'm an idiot. And quite possibly a jug head. But I'm not bug-eyed, eleven pounds, or wearing a yellow rubber bracelet like that fag! Heh heh. Fag."

Things To Do Before You Die #2

My friend Jimmie swears by buying a pack of tightie whities and a bottle of brown shoe polish, combining the two in a creative way, and dropping the result in the Blockbuster return vault along with your movie. Apparently the hiding time behind the obstruction of your choice while waiting for the reaction is well worth it.

And I believe him.

I Didn't Need To See That

What: A dork dad and a can't-help-but-be a-dork-kid, razor-ing their way to places they needed to be this morning.


In helmets.


Oh, god.

Game Night at Anne's With Paris Hilton

When Paris comes over to my place to play Memory, she always asks why we play it standing up, and I always tell her because it's more fun that way. But it's really because I don't let her sit on my upholstery.

Something to Celebrate

The heatwave has broken!

Something not so cool: I shouldn't have had the vegetable soup. Now I feel like I'm going to barf. Vegetable soup. How's that for a visual? Hope you've eaten already, kids!

I'm Not a Hypocrite All the Time

If you walk down the hall or street and your shoes are exceptionally noisy, I will give you a dirty look.








I just walked down the hall to the cafetorium, and my shoes were exceptionally noisy. I gave myself a dirty look.

Pop Goes the Button

I just popped a button. Cheap dress or fat ass?



Hmmmmm....



I'm going with cheap dress*.



*It is in fact, quite cheap. Cheap in a bad way, but whatevs, the people seem to like it. I bought it because it was the next best thing to naked in this heat. Now if only it can remain in tact the rest of the day...

One of My Favorites

Let's Talk Nerf

At the lake a few weeks ago, we re-discovered the joy of Nerf with a fake Nerf.

I'm lying at the end of the dock, just having snapped a picture of the fake Nerf flying mid-air as the nerf was tossed back and forth in the water.

What we learned:

1. Nerfs (or at least fake Nerfs) aren't waterproof. They get soggy and heavy and pieces start to fall out of their spongy constitution.
2. It's fun while it lasts.

Nerf was most likely created as an answer to the dangerous toys from the 70s like Jarts. Part of the fun of Jarts in addition to managing to get the lawn dart to land inside the ring, was the risk that it would land in one's thigh, or better yet, someone else's thigh. That is, of course, if you didn't consider a trip to the emergency room a buzzkill on a family reunion.

But, Nerf still does spell summer.

You can get a decent spiral going with a Nerf, but not as good as a traditional football I find (a smaller version of a traditional football, for smaller meathooks like mine). Nonetheless, the Nerf brings back memories. Nerf was there when I had my first crush on a boy. Nerf was there when I drank my first beer. Nerf was there when I was arrested for the first time. And in the big house? Nerf was there.

Now kids are obese and don't know what a Nerf is. Makes me wonder if they're admitted to the emergency room these days because they think it's edible.

The End is Near

A mentally lame fundamentalist as President of the United States, World War III, tsunamis, hurricanes, melting ice caps, a boiling ocean, the removal of Charleston Chews from the office cafeteria, and now fire ants are on the rise??? The world is indeed blazing like a Duraflame. I'd say bring on the locusts, but I think we skipped a chapter. It wouldn't make a difference anyway. The more the merrier.

Anneurysm #1

On office dress code:

You don't have to look your personal best provided Susan shows up; she always looks more like shit than you do.

That's Not Cool

"Con Edison has asked the Building's management to reduce the electrical load between the hours of 1:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m. today. The Building will be cutting back their electrical load and running their emergency generator. The Property Manager is asking all of the tenants to reduce their electrical load wherever possible. Please turn your lights off when you leave your office, and when you leave this evening, please turn off your computer in addition to logging off. This will go a long way in helping us comply with Con Edison's request."

Lame. But it hasn't been too bad. Hour two has approached, and still seems relatively cool... in...here....THUD

His and Hers Celebrity Outfits For Sale

Dear Lover,
Let's go out on the town tonight, shall we? I will wear this and you will wear this.
Love,
Lover

Ready For Freddy

(picture here a Red Sox bikini on a mannequin. It has since disappeared. Blogger genies or police or whatevs have removed it)

I'm goin' back to the lake and the beach in fine style! But I've got to say, I look better in it than this broad does ecause I have a better tan and a head and stuff.

I'm So Fetus

Scientists believe that the position in which you sleep says a lot about your personality.

Me? I'm textbook Fetus, with a dash of The Yearner.

To see a diagrams of the six positions studied by Professor Idzikowski
click here.


The Foetus (41%): Those who curl up in the foetus position are described as tough on the outside but sensitive at heart. They may be shy when they first meet somebody, but soon relax. This is the most common sleeping position, adopted by 41% of the 1,000 people who took part in the survey. More than twice as many women as men tend to adopt this position.


Log (15%): Lying on your side with both arms down by your side. These sleepers are easy going, social people who like being part of the in-crowd, and who are trusting of strangers. However, they may be gullible.

The Yearner (13%): People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it.

Soldier (8%): Lying on your back with both arms pinned to your sides. People who sleep in this position are generally quiet and reserved. They don't like a fuss, but set themselves and others high standards.

Freefall (7%): Lying on your front with your hands around the pillow, and your head turned to one side. Often gregarious and brash people, but can be nervy and thin-skinned underneath, and don't like criticism, or extreme situations.

Starfish (5%): Lying on your back with both arms up around the pillow. These sleepers make good friends because they are always ready to listen to others, and offer help when needed. They generally don't like to be the centre of attention.
The remainder of those in the poll said the position they fell asleep varied or did not know.

I've Got To Stop Working Out So Little

I was just leaving the ladies' room and pulled the handle off the door. Here are the five stages of emotions I encountered:

1. Surprise (regarding my super human strength)
2. Fear (that I'd be locked inside)
3. Relief (when I realized I could use the handle as a tool to open the door)
4. Pride (regarding my super-human strength)
5. Resignation (that I had to go back to my desk)

The mind and body are fascinating, no?

What If?

What if your name was Norbert Eggebert. Your parents could be considered mean, right?

Where My Boob At?

Love What?

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure

(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah

Two by two and side by side
Love's gonna find you yes it is
You just can't hide
You'll hear it call
Your heart will fall
Then love will fly
It's gonna soar
I don't care for any casanova thing
All I can say is
Love stinks

(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah

I've been through diamonds
I've been through minks
I've been through it all
Love stinks

(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah

~

LOVE STINKS

J. Geils Band

__________

Love Stinks: The second reason why the J. Geils Band is tremendous.

The first reason? Duh, they're from Boston, so suck it. Do you remember the hullabaloo surrounding Stephen Bladd's appearance at Amy Somers's bat mitzvah? Of course you do! That is naturally, if you were invited. Oh, I'm sorry, were you not invited? Yikes. Wow, awkward.

Go Sox!

Calgon, Take Me Away! Back There From Whence I Came

Me, my peeps, and a beach.

Jones Beach, 7/16/06



~

Dave, Jones Beach, NY, 7/16/06

Nice Box

For all the high society bashing I've been doing of late (and my entire life), I will admit that in this blazing humidity, it was great being better than everyone else tonight at Yankee Stadium. Sure, I had to ride the subway and stand in line at Gate 4 with the sweaty plebes, but I knew once I reached the Mickey Mantle Suite, Loge 13, things were going to change: Some of us were to remain sweaty, and some of us weren't. I knew which one I was.

And when I arrived, the air conditioner was blasting, the food and booze were out, I got a seat in the front row, and the game (and several television sets) was just about to start.

Though to be completely honest with you, it could have been a tiny bit colder, and I'm not one to complain about that kind of stuff, but I'm just saying.

Anyway, the Yanks beat the Mariners, but the Sox beat the Royals, so nah nah nah nah nah nahhhh. We're still a half game ahead, and I got to get out of my sweltering apartment for the evening. Lord knows I can't afford to crank the AC like the stadium did.

Or should have, rather. The Yanks have the biggest payroll in all the land. They couldn't have helped a sister out? Why is the coldest place I can get is the lobby of my office building? I'm only there twice a day, and that's when I least likely have time (or want) to hang around in there and enjoy it. Life = not fair.

The point of this story: Once in a great while, people like me and give me stuff and I take it.


GO RED SOX

Anne's Plan To Beat the Summer Heat

Scoring a free ticket in the air conditioned luxury box at Yankee Stadium for tonight's game vs. the Seattle Mariners... and rooting for the Mariners!

Wooo hooo! I'm cooling off already. I'm not even wearing any blue today. Fantastic. I'm wearing a snappy dress, it's black. The color of my heart.






GO RED SOX!

Song In My Head at the Moment

One life Im gonna live it up
Im takin flight I said Ill never get enough
Stand tall Im young and kinda proud
Im on top as long as the musics loud

If you think Ill sit around as the world goes by
Youre thinkin like a fool cause its a case of do or die
Out there is a fortune waitin to be had
You think Ill let it go youre mad
Youve got another thing comin

Thats right heres where the talkin ends
Well listen this night therell be some action spent
Drive hard Im callin all the shots
I got an ace card comin down on the rocks

If you think Ill sit around while you chip away my brain
Listen I aint foolin and youd better think again
Out there is a fortune waitin to be had
You think Ill let it go youre mad
You got another thing comin

In this world were livin in we have our share of sorrow
Answer now is dont give in aim for a new tomorrow

Oh so hot no time to take a rest yeah
Act tough aint room for second best
Real strong got me some security
Hey Im a big smash Im goin for infinity yeah

If you think Ill sit around as the world goes by
Youre thinkin like a fool cause its a case of do or die
Out there is a fortune waitin to be had
You think Ill let it go youre mad
Youve got another thing comin

-Judas Priest (duh)

Ah the good old days. I want to go back. Ok, they weren't really good then, but there was hope for good things in the future, a fortune waiting to be had!

Where the hell's my fortune?

Forgive Me, I'm a Little Sick

I just perused the New York Social Diary's Weekend in the Hamptons Part I, and I don't recommend it. Weekend in the Hamptons II is coming up, and, well, with the barf on the keyboard and all, it's looking unlikely that I can stomach it. Help desk? Oh, Help Desk!

Some highlights from the Bastille Day Party at Mr and Mrs. YouWeren'tInvited's house:

Dressed to ill.

This seat is saved for an old bag.

The wealthy can't keep their balls out of the pool (yet the French don't do it enough)

I Feel So Good If I Just Say the Word

Su Sussudio...






No I don't. That shit doesn't work. Screw you, Phil Collins.

Let's Put Our Heads In the Sand Awhile, Shall We?

Since the world is burning and there is no end in sight, why don't we have a little fun? With our remaining moments, let's take a look at none other than The New York Social Diary, "Your link to society."

Your link to society! How clever! What they're saying is, The only way you'll penetrate this society is via computer to look at pictures of us, society people, who are better than you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Get it? oh we society folk are so funny! HAHAHAHAHAHA Ouch, oh, dear, I think my face ripped.

Ok. There are so many party pictures this time of year, so many benefits in the city and in the Hamptons, it's so hard to choose.

Here's a nice appetizer:



Clearly the wide pasted white smiles of the two forgettable twats in the front are supposed to be the focus of this picture. They think they are, anyway, and that's funny. Miss Tan With Designer Dress is thinking, "I've planned this outfit/tan/jewelry combination for months and all eyes better be on ME!"The one on the right is smiling in a way that says, "Hi! What's UP?I just barfed up my lunch!"

What's funnier, are the three pissed off wicked step sisters in the background, the ones passed over for the photo opp. Debutante on the far left is having another bad day, just having been berated that morning by Mummy for being a fatso. Chick in the red and white on the right is pretty happy to have made it so close to the camera, that she's going to put on a smile just in case she makes it into the frame. Lucky bitch. But who is peering out above her right shoulder? Or should I say, sneering out? Seconds after this photo was taken, Ms. Sneer ripped the hair right out of someone's head and had to be dragged out screaming.

For the main course, we're having:








That's right, sausage legs! Flanked with split ends in assorted colors.


Enjoy!


Make sure to stick around for dessert, ok?

Three Reasons Why This Humid Weather Is Fantastic!

1. _______
2. _______
3. _______

I've got nothing.

Oh, Yeah, Annoying Boy Name!

41) Brody

Bush on Global Warming

A very, very, very special announcement. If you know what I mean.

Will Ferrell - Bush on Global Warming on Transbuddha

Maude Monday!

And then there's Maude! And then there's Maude!

For those of you not familiar with Maude, it was a sitcom ahead of it's time. A spinoff of All in the Family, Maude stars Bea Arthur as a Maude Findlay, feminist Democrat and cousin of Edith Bunker. There are several reasons to love this show. In addition to the several stars in the cast, Maude's 70's fashions are reason enough.

I miss Maude. I enjoyed the show in syndication (even though I was really too young to understand it) because Bea Arthur is a rip. I've got to 'on demand' these episodes somewhere or buy the DVDs.

Have a happy Maude Monday, everybody.