Dick in a Green Track Jacket

Anne in a bar fight? You bet. It happens.

Who: Anne & Bumpkyn vs Hipster Dick in a Green Track Jacket
What: Bar Fight
Where: Corner Bistro, NYC
When: Last Night
Why: Guy in Green Track Jacket Was an Unbelievable Dick
How: Respectably

Ok. So, I'm really a lover not a fighter. But since I hate people, and people make it easy for me to hate them, sometimes they do the wrong thing, and words need to be exhanged. Bumpkyn's husband, Ladies Man, prefers to eat rather than to drink, and he sat in back for a few burgers while we had a few beers at the bar. Some hipster thought we were using Ladies Man's stool as a hat rack and asked if he could sit down. We explained that Ladies Man would be returning at some point but of course hipster could use the stool in the meantime.

In that process, beer (not blood) was spilled. Ladies Man's beer was tipped over, and the hipster apologized. Bumpkyn made a joke that it was precious liquid, a sarcastic but jovial remark about how the beer was non-alchoholic. Which it was.

Enter the Hipster Dick in Green Track Jacket.

Picture him: Slight build, 5'8", ironic tee under green track jacket, stupid hat, cocky attitude, early/mid twenties, no respect for women.

HDIGTJ: (semi audibly to us) Get over it.
Anne: Excuse me?
HDIGTJ: (no eye contact, semi mumbling to his crowd) It's the holidays, get over it.
Bumpkyn: What?
HDIGTJ: Get over it.
Anne: That's not nice.
HDIGTJ: Whatever. Hey. (to bartender). Lemme have a Sapphire and Tonic.
Bartender: That's 7 dollars.
HDIGTJ: Great price.
Bartender: Make that 8.
Bumpkyn: You don't have to be such a dick.
HDIGTJ: (not audible. )
Anne: Your friend spilled the beer and apologized. Why are you mouthing off?
HDIGTJ: (comes over) Where are you guys from?
Anne: Here. What does that matter?
HDIGTJ: I was born in Brooklyn. Lived in LA for 7 years. Glad to be back.
Anne: So that explains why you're such a dick.
HDIGTJ: (tries to put his arm on Bumpkyn's shoulder, and she shakes him violently off)
Anne: You haven't even apologized.
HDIGTJ: Apologized?
Anne and Bumpkyn: Yes.
HDIGTJ: For what?
Anne: For being a dick.
HDIGTJ: (to me) Well, I'll apologize to you because you have a pretty face.
Anne: What? Unbelievable.
---now is where a beer should have been poured on this guy's head but we were out of beer--
HDIGTJ: (tries to recover) And to her, for having a strong arm (regarding the punch.)
Anne: Lame.
HDIGTJ: What are your names?
Anne: Anne and Bumpkyn. What's yours?
HDIGTJ: (don't remember what he said). Ok, I'm sorry, ok? (like a dick)
Anne: Uh-huh.
HDIGTJ: (says more dickish things I can't recall)
Anne and Bumpkyn: (fuming, wishing we had a beer to pour on his head, a beer that he should have purchased for us when he apologized)

While HDIGTJ's back was turned to have a dickish conversation with his fellow hipsters, his friend again apologized, "I'm sorry about my friend."

Anne and Bumpkyn: Uh huh. (still fuming)

At this point, not knowing where to channel our anger or how to "win" this fight, Ladies Man approached from the back of the restaurant. I'd say, to save the day, but he didn't know his wife was in the middle of a nasty bar brawl.

Anne and Bumpkyn to Ladies Man: This guy is a huge dick. He's mean! You need to meet him!
Bumpkyn: Yeah! He's being mean to your wife!
Anne: Yeah!

We were leaving, putting on our coats, unsatisfied with the brawl's outcome. Though it was dignified, this kid was begging for violence to be waged on his face. If we couldn't have violence, it was imperative that Ladies Man, at least be introduced to HDIGTJ.

I tap HDIGTJ on the shoulder, "I want you to meet someone." HDIGTJ swings around to meet a Ladies Man.

All 300 lbs and 6' 8" of him.

HDIGTJ extends his hand. Upwards. Hi. I'm (whatever his name is). (face reveals pants shitting expression)
Ladies Man: You're ugly.
HDIGTJ: (speechless)

We leave. Sure, I would have loved it for Ladies Man to have had to pull me off of HDIGTJ as I was pummeling him so that Ladies Man could have delivered the final fatal blow, but the look on HDIGTJ's was worth every penny of dignity we retained.

'Tis good to have a big guy around.