Wanna Bet?

Lord knows why we keep some people in our lives and kick others to the curb. I'm still close with my ex, one of the reasons being that it's financially advantageous for me to keep him around.

Why?

Well, when we wager bets, I win. Not all of the bets mind you, but most of them. We'll bet on anything but rarely sports. Trivia of all kinds, this and that. It goes like this. We'll have a conversation about something, and if we quickly disagree the betting begins. Usually with me sticking my hand out to shake with a "Wanna bet? Ten bucks."

Here's how the latest bet I won went down. It's all very high brow, so put on airs for the story.

We were watching the movie Sleepaway Camp which I Netflixed and had seen the evening prior. For those of you who aren't familiar with the flick, it's a 1983 campy (literally) cult classic horror movie with a bizarre ending. Two or three people had already been killed off (in highly entertaining ways, of course), so I suppose we were about half way through. Another poor soul was about to kick the bucket. Billy was a mean kid. He had it coming.

The scene begins with Billy running across camp to his bunk, where the other guys ask him if he's going to join them in the softball game against the counselors that afternoon. "Yeah, be right there," he replies, "I've gotta take a _____ dump first." He ends up dying on the bowl with his pants down because someone (or something) shakes a bees nest through the window and into the john with him after having barricaded the stall shut with a broom. Ten thousand bees and no Epi-pen in sight. Tragic.

After the movie was over, we discussed our favorite lines.

"I've gotta take a wicked dump," I say.
"He doesn't say wicked."
"Yes he does."
"No he doesn't."
"Yes, he does! Ten bucks."
"He doesn't say 'wicked.' That's too Masshole."
"I don't care what it is, he says 'wicked' dump. Ten bucks."
"I really don't think he does. He doesn't say wicked."
"Alright, then, what does he say?"
"I don't know, but I don't think it's wicked."
"I don't care whether you do or don't think he does. Are you gonna bet me or not?"
"Fine. Ten bucks."
"You seem pretty confident, are you sure you don't want to bet twenty?"
"Ten."
"Excellent. I need the money. Let's rewind, shall we?"

~
~ (rewind)
~

Billy: Yeah, be right there. I've gotta take a wicked dump first.

Me: "Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh....yeah" (touchdown dance ensues...)

Hey, betting on whether a guy takes a wicked dump or just a dump might not be classy, but ten bucks is ten bucks.

I've got to take a wicked dump.