Wow, What a Bad Job!

The year was 1992, and my future was so bright--that's right--shades, bitch! I had just graduated from Hamilton College and banged out an A++ on my 70 page History thesis even though I handed it in wearing my cap and gown.

Kids, you don't get A plus plusses on your papers if you smoke grass in college--so just say no. Until senior week, that is. Then, feel free to go crazy.

Over the summer, I went to Katharine Gibbs Secretarial School (the finest in the land, I might add), at my mother's suggestion, because I didn't know how to type. It'd be easier to find a job once I got to the Big Apple, and all. My mother had gone there in the day when hats and gloves were required. The dress code had relaxed a bit since then, but I still had to go dressed corporately, in a suit, with the pantyhose and the heels and all that horribleness. Classes were from about 9-5, 5 days a week. I learned how to type, how to write business letters, how to take shorthand, how to DOS my ass off. I hated it. But I quickly realized Katharine Gibbs' main purpose--giving you the heads up on the rest of your life.

"Hey, if you hate this shit, you're really going to hate your job! Welcome to your future, sucker!"

I got my first job through a friend of a friend of a friend's mother, who was good friends with the manager of a post-production video house that did all most of the editing for MTV. Shows like Yo, MTV Raps and the first Real World. I was to the receptionist, for a salary something like $19,000 a year. The place was kind of a dump, but it was a job.

It was a bad job.

I found my job description going through some old paperwork. Typed by Robin, that manager friend of a friend of a friend. It was typed in all caps on a word processor--remember those pieces of shit? This was back before the internet, back before cell phones--say what grandma? --back before I thought I deserved any dignity in the work place. I will type it for you, exactly as it reads.

And thank your bloody stars this isn't your job. Enjoy!

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INTEROFFICE MEMO

DATE: 10/27/92

TO: ANNE

FROM: ROBIN

SUBJECT: RESPONSIBILITIES

THE FOLLOWING OUTLINES YOUR DAILY ROUTINE. IF THERE IS EVER A PROBLEM COMPLETING ANY OF THESE TASKS, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

ANSWER THE PHONES AND TAKE APPRORPIATE MESSAGES. THIS INCLUDES MESSAGES FOR THE OTHER OFFICE. IT IS YOUR JOB TO MAKE SURE THAT THESE MESSAGES GET TO THE OTHER OFFICE. MARC HAS HIS OWN MESSAGE PAD. NEVER THROW THESE AWAY.

COFFEE AND MORNING BREAKFAST. PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT THERE IS ALWAYS FRESH COFFEE. THE FOOD AREA MUST BE KEPT CLEAN. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE INVENTORY FOR COFFEE, WATER, SODA, FILTERS, SUGAR, SWEET AND LOW, PAPER PLATES, TEA, SOUP, PAPER TOWELS, STIRRERS, UTENSILS AND HOT CHOCOLATE. BEFORE YOU LEAVE AT NIGHT AND IF THERE ARE NO LATE NIGHT EDITS, THE COFFEE BURNERS MUST BE TURNED OFF AND THE COFFEE POTS EMPTIED. IF THERE IS BREAKFAST FOOD LEFT PAST 2:00 PM, PLEASE THROW IT AWAY.

LUNCH ORDERS. PLEASE PUT THE MENU BOOKS IN THE ROOMS BY 11:30 AM. YOU WILL TAKE DOWN THE ORDERS FROM THE CLIETNS, ORDER THE FOOD FROM THE VENDORS, POST THE ORDERS ON THE BULLETIN BOARD, BRING THE LUNCHES INTO THE CLIENTS, OFFER THEM SODA AND GET IT*, AND MAKE SURE THE TRAYS ARE CLEANED OUT OF THE ROOMS WITHIN AN HOUR OF RECEIVING THE ORDER. ALL LUNCH RECIEPTS SHOULD BE STAMPED AND INCLUDE THE DAY, DATE, JOB NUMBER, NAME OF THE CLIETNS AND AMOUNT WITH TIP INCLUDED. A COPY OF THE RECIEPPT MUST BE INCLUDED IN THE CLIENT'S JOB JACKET. THE ORIGINAL MUST GO TO GEORGIANNA AT THE OTHER OFFICE.

WHEN SENDING ANYTHING INTEROFFICE, PLEASE USE USED ENVELOPES. GET A SUPPLY FROM KATHY. MARYANNE ORDERS ALL OFFICE SUPPLIES. IF WE ARE LOW, PLEASE LET HER KNOW.

ON ALL HOUSE LUNCH RECIEPTS, PLEASE LIST THE PEOPLE WHO ATE.

THE SCHEDULE. PLEASE TYPE THE SCHEDULE EVERY NIGHT. IT SHOULD BE DISTRIBUTED TO GEORGE, KATHY, ROBIN, DUB ROOM AND A COPY GOES IN THE BOX TO THE OTHER OFFICE. JOB CARDS AND JOB CARD FOLDERS MUST BE DONE AT NIGHT. ALL JOB CARD FOLDERS MUST BE PUT IN THE APPROPRIATE ROOMS PRIOR TO THE EDIT.

PLEASE CHECK EVERY DAY THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FILLED OUT JOB CARDS FROM THE DAY BEFORE. I SHOULD RECEIVE COMPLETE JOB CARDS WITHOIN 8 HOURS OF COMPLETION OF THE JOB. PLEASE COORDINATE WITH KATHY TO SEE THAT YOU HAVE ALL OF THE PPAER WORK. THE END OF THE MONTH IS AN ESPECIALLY CRITICAL TIME FOR BILLING.

PLEASE MAKE SURE THT THE CRECEPTION ARE IS KEPT CLEAN. THIS INCLUDES THROING AWAY OLD MAGAZINES ON A REGULAR BASIS.

OUTSIDE MESSENGERS DON'T USE OUR PHONES.

YOU WILL HAVE TO PLACE LONG DISTANCE CALLS FOR CLIENTS AND KEEP A RECORDS. ASK KATHY TO SHOW YOU THE RECORD SHEET. IF SOMEONE MAKES A LOT OF LONG DISTANCE ALLS, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

YOU MAY BE ASKED TO ASSIST WITH TYPING LABELS, LOGGING TAPES FOR SHIPPING, AND LIBRARY WORK.

PLEASE SET THE ANSWERING MACHINE AND THE NIGHT LINE BEFORE YOU LEAVE AT NIGHT. PLEASE CHECK THE ANSWERING MACHINE EVERY MORNING.

WE THOUGHT TIHS WOULD HELP YOU GET STARTED. IF YOU HAVE NY QUESTIONS, PLEASE ASK. WE WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK AND WELCOME TO VIDEO PLANNING.

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Robin was a crazy bitch, Marc was an asshole, and I was fired for dating their senior editor, a great guy who remained my boyfriend for 3 years. It was also at this job that the phenom producer Rob Fox gave me my nickname, The Happy Bitter Girl, and I realized my future didn't require those sunglasses anymore. Sigh.

*My favorite part of the whole memo. Hitting it home for me, just in case there was any confusion for me on this one, in case I might think that I'd offer the soda, and then not get it, thinking that the getting it part was someone else's job. My assistant's, perhaps.