I Love Beaver

My aunt and uncle opened a shoe store in the early sixties in Olean, New York. In the early seventies, they morphed it into a shoe store / leather goods store / head shop. They sold cool classy stuff like sterling silver lighter holders with turquoise and mother-of-pearl inlay, feather roach clips and cowboy hats, leather vests and belts, and of course, every iron-on t-shirt you could imagine---real opportunists cashing in on the craze. Oh, and some shoes. I spent almost every summer with my family in western New York State, and to an 8 year-old, that place was heaven-- like being a kid in an iron-on t-shirt store. Nothing completed the requisite ensemble of poker-straight hair, short shorts with piping on the trim, and striped tube socks pulled up to the knees than a snug fitting iron-on T that said stupid shit like "I'm With Stupid".

The hundreds of design demos were plastered all over the walls. From "Touch of Class" to a glitter Playboy symbol to holograms and scratch n' sniff--there wasn't a design you could think of that they didn't have. And if they didn't have it, they'd custom design it for you. Full service, people, full service. All of my cousins worked at the store, and I'd do some light chores and help out as well. My perks being things like making my own leather belt and hand tooling it by spelling out my name with lady bugs and butterflies. I still have the belt, but I don't have an 18 inch waist anymore.

The best perk of all, however, was being able to pick out a new t-shirt made from one of the new designs that season. I had several in my collection including a light green A-N-N-E in glitter letters on the back, and a basket of Scratch n' Sniff strawberries on the front--most of them were made from odds n' ends and scraps from stuff that didn't sell. I also I had the I'm With Stupid design on a yellow shirt and to complete the hilarity, I gave the I'm Stupid to my best friend Andrea, and could not understand for the life of me why she'd never wear it out. With me. Though I'd not be caught dead in the I'm Stupid shirt myself. But the new designs? WOW. They had the latest shit from bands like Yes and Boston and Fleetwood Mac to Crumb's Keep on Truckin'--I've been terrible with decisions my whole life and this was no exception.

One design, what to pick, what to pick?!?!???!?!!!!??!?!?

I labored over the choice all morning. One design caught my eye in particular and stood out amongst all the rest. It was a bright red shirt, with an adorable cartoon of a big fat beaver on the front with two huge big front teeth, biting into a log. (Much like the image pictured above. And this one likes baseball, I do) He was an adorable glossy, glittery decal. When they were brand new, before the washer and dryer did their cracking and dulling damage, the decal was pliable and shiny and nothing smelled better to me than the smell of plastic rubber decal. Hot off the press. Below the beaver was emblazoned "I Love Beaver".

"I want the 'I Want Beaver!' " I said. But my cousins, in their late teens, wouldn't make it the shirt for me. Pick another, they said. I whined and bitched and moaned, but they weren't having it. "Why not? What's wrong with the beaver? Why can't I have the beaver shirt?" I cried.

They replied, "We'll tell you in ten years."*


*For the record, they never ended up telling me. It should also be noted that my cousins' plan worked, and I didn't end up a lesbian because of bad advice on a new t-shirt. Though I did go to basketball camp for ten years and do feel like I look like a dyke most of the time.

P.S. I also wound up with a pale yellow hoodie which said "Slippery When Wet" --but it was a hand-me-down from the complete other side of the family. What are the odds? I remember wearing that number on the day we had to read our 6th Grade Reports to the entire class. Mine was on The Pyramids of Giza. Some of the teachers snickered; I just thought it was a clever road sign.