That's Entertainment, and This is Sheer Torture

you are hypnotized into watching my piece of crap show because of my powerful bug eyes

I watched a lot of fantastic entertainment this weekend. Starting from tonight and moving backwards, I saw HBO's Big Love, preceeded by The Sopranos. Both great. Next week looks even better. Outstanding examples of quality cable television*.

Last night I had the pleasure of watching the amazing Honi Harlow's burlesque show Alice in Fuderland for ten beans, complete with attitude and magic tricks by Scotty the Blue Bunny, singer Jenn Wehrung who sang Janis Joplin so well she was accused of lip synching, and most importantly, tastefully showcased tits and ass of all sizes, pasties a flyin'. A outstanding example of quality theater.

Friday night, Conan O'Brien did his show--his last of the week in Chicago--at the Chicago Theater. Guests were Illinois Senator Barack Obama and Wilco, Andy Richter made a cameo to take the desk out for a ride with Conan, and George Wendt made an appearance and gave Chewbacca a sexual massage. An outstanding example of quality network television.

Following Conan, in comes Last Call with Carson Daly.

WHAT AN OUTSTANDING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!


It is so terrible, that I feel words fail me when I attempt to describe it. It is so utterly horrible, that when I try to share the horrors of his monologue, his show bits, his claim to have taste in music, his hair, his toolish yellow rubber bracelet, and finally his eyeballs, which are constantly popped out of his vacuous mailbox sized head--I, I, I cannot.

It reminds me of a very bad thing Doodle cat did one morning a few years ago. She was semi-entitled to her transgression, as I had been working 75 hour weeks, and she was hoppin' mad about the lack of attention. One morning, I heard her scratching at the carpet in the middle of the bedroom. She had been trying to wake me up since 5:30, but I kept shooing her out and turning over. She was relentless. More relentless than an alarm clock and you can't hit it or throw it across the room.

And then there was the digging. "What are you doing?!?" I finally shout, standing up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes to see what the hell Doodle was fussing with. At first I thought it was a pile of her toys, and then after a closer look, I realized that was only a little bit true.

"What the fuck?"

It was a huge pile of shit. At least five or six craps, reaching for the sky. She was "burying" them with fuzz from the carpet she that was "digging" up, and to finish off the poop sundae was a the multi colored feather tail of a white toy mouse, like the cherry on the tippy top. Fresh and lying in wait for my bare foot. A shit trap.

Just like Last Call with Carson Daly.

Do you know that he has a segment called "Garbage Time" where he goes over odd /strange news or web stories (like MTV's webjunk) and makes fun of "stupid" people, yet his own fucking show isn't on there? What a smug idiot. He had some schmutz on the arm of his suit, when he came out for his monologue, and his director was trying to tell him, "Hey, you have something on your lapel..." and Carson kept rubbing it and talking about the neat invention of the lint roller and being all snitty with him like, "What? It's gone, right? What are you talking about? Take it easy" trying to make him look like an asshole, nervous and eager to rush through his shiiiiiittty monologue...But it wasn't lint, the director was right, and it was distracting, because it looked like cum. Which it probably was.

The End

*Same for Real Time with Bill Maher, his last show of the season was Friday, and it was funny as hell. He said that the President's approval ratings are so low they're even getting to artists like Toby Keith, who previously was a supporter but has now recently put out an album, "What the Fuck Was I Thinking?" and he went through the song titles including "Like a Rhinestone Asshole" --I laughed out loud at that one.